Your Friday Smile!

Two young people get married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting – juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

***

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

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(Wait for it)

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*

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(It's coming)

*

*



(Ya ready?)

*

*

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(Don't hate me)

*

*

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(Ya gonna hate me)

*

*

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(Take a deep breath)

*

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*


"He should've quit while he was a head!"

Have a great weekend everyone!
And please don't forget to tell me your birth date (here)!

Open letter re. Stop the Abuse

Dear Stinkypaw,

I've decided to write to you today, since it is "BloggerUnite Blog Against Abuse" day.

I've been wanting to let you know for so long how you've made me feel, despite my hints here and there, I thought you weren't really getting my message. Maybe by addressing you this way, will trigger something.

I've lived with you for over 40 years and it saddens me to say that you've been somewhat abusive with me for all those years. You robed me of a pain free existence.

I know that you were the daughter of a man who had an easier time hitting than explaining things, which could explain why the aggressions occurred from a very young age. You involved me in numerous accidents, nothing life threatening as such, but lots of pain. Then when you reached your teen years, I had to endure bone fractures, not one but two at the time. You always had to do things to the max. Then you started to do full contact karate. That lasted for over 20 years. The way you treated me during those years was such, that it pains me still today to even think about it. I do remember how you would try to justify your actions by saying that it was to better me, to protect me in some strange twisted way but despite your best efforts to hide it, I know that you knew, deep down, you were seriously hurting me.

It got to a point where I had no other choice but to let you know how much your behavior was hurting me. I had reached my threshold. I started to slowly show you that something had to give. You, once again, fought me on this. You denied everything. How could that be? You only meant well. You never did anything to hurt me intentionally, but nonetheless, I was in pain. You loved me and wanted me around for a long time.

Obviously it didn't work, thus me writing you today. I'm asking you, for the next years we will be spending together to show a little more consideration for my well-being. I know that you are aware and well intended. You need to stop abusing me, we're not getting any younger and you should be listening to my signals, or at least pay some attention to them. I do want you around and if you are willing to take better care of me, I will let you continue to "abuse" me, as long as you do it with moderation. We can cooperate and it will be the greatest "win-win" situation for both of us.

Sincerely,

Your body

Vegas, baby!

After a long day of travel, almost 5 hours from Montreal to Vancouver, and then another 2 until Vegas, we made it! We flew business, so let's just say the flight was enjoyable. The part I liked best was the roomy seats. We're both tall so we both enjoyed the space and extra leg room!

We picked up our rental car and made our way to our condo, small but acceptable.

The first thing I've noticed is how big everything is. I'm not really sure I'm liking it yet... Hubby kept telling me before we came: "Everything is over the top".

The weather is nice and warm, so can't complain about that. Walked on the Strip today. The hotels are so big that walking 2 or 3 blocks is a lot. Oh yeah, I saw my first Elvis impersonator today - he was big (as in tall ), and the hair on that guy...wow... Did NOT take a picture with or of him... nah, not that one! But a took a few other shots of the Paris Hotel, some at the Bellagio and some along the Strip.

The one thing that I'm not too fond of so far, beside the discarded cards of naked girls all over the sidewalks, is the fact that a lot of people walk around with their drinks (bottles or glasses) - I find it so... well, you know... That's something I could do without seeing on the street!

We will go pick up our Hawaiian friend at the airport soon; can't wait to see her. It's been over 3 years since we last saw each other. We often talked about doing this and to actually be here with her, will be a blast I'm sure! She keeps telling me "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"... wonder what she means by that! I'll find out soon enough I guess. Hee.

Your Friday Smile!

During a commercial airline flight a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby... and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed:

"And all these years I've been chewing gum."

***

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

Dave ....

Dave ... ...

Dave ... ... ...

You're a Veterinarian!!

Have a great weekend everyone!
And please don't forget to tell me your birth date (here)!

Tic Toc, Tic Toc...

Do you ever feel like time is running away from you? That no matter how well you plan or schedule your life, there’s never enough time for you to do everything you want to? I’ve been feeling like that a bit these past few days, and I have this strange sensation that I’m running out of breath or something.

In the past, (read in our previous house) whenever we were going away, we always used the guest bedroom as a staging area. We thought of something to bring, we would put it on the bed. When came time to do the suitcase, easy, most things were out already.

In the present (read in our little condo) we don’t have a guest bedroom (well, we do but we use it as a storage area/litter room), so we haven’t been putting aside things that we will need or want for our trip to Vegas. Yes I could have made a list or stack stuff somewhere, but I’m so fed up of our constant look of “just moved in” or “something else needs fixing” that I didn’t want to have, on top of everything else, a suit case with a bunch of things thrown in. It is just starting to feel clean or unpacked; I wasn’t about to add something to the equation to make it look messy again. Nope! Can’t do that! Sorry! Yeah we might forget some things! Oh well!

I can’t believe that we are leaving in two freakin’ days and that nothing is ready! We have errands to run (Tobi is staying behind, so he needs food!), laundry to do AND to add to the fun of it all, our front door is being sanded and painted today! The door has to remain open, thus me staying home! Argh!

Big deep breath, inhale…exhale… A week away from all the banging, mechanic saw and nail guns… that will be good… Oh wait! … but… those noises will then be replace by slot machines noises… the lesser of two evils? ...or is it?

Songs that fit the products

Woohoo! This is my very first video post!

If it works I truly hope you'll find it as funny as I did!

Noise party

Because of all the noise surrounding me, I will do this post bullet form, since I don’t think I can gather my thoughts much.

• They’re doing the floor next door, between the sawing and the hammering… going mental here! Weare REALLY living on a construction site today!
  
  
• Kitchen update: the fridge is in place, just need to connect the water.
  
  
• All our doors and drawers will be changed to Shaeker, the cabinet maker got the approval from the builder to do it! Yippee!
  
  
• We have 1 light fixture installed and 2 are ordered. We only need like 7 more…
  
  
• All “Thank You” cards for my MIL are done & sent.
  
  
• A friend from Melbourne was in town visiting his daughter here for an exchange program between Melbourne University and McGill. Had not seen him in a few years. Went for dinner last night with them. That man can drink, and my husband could not follow him. Hee.
  
  
• Happy to see Hubby met his match!
  
  
• Did I tell you we were going to Vegas?! No? Well, we are! So if you want me to send you a postcard, let me know before Friday!

OK I"m off shopping, need to find a few things before our trip to Vegas, baby!

Plus my head is about to pop...

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Image: Noise

Yet another thing that needs to be fixed!

I don't know what I did or what, but my blog looks like crap...

I'll be trying to fix it and come up with a new template, so please stay with me, if you don't mind the banging, dust and swearing...

After all, we are on a construction site!

Your Friday Smile!

Today it's all about body humor!

5 reasons not to be a penis:

1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an asshole.
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

***

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach , "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The ass hole is usually in charge!

Have a great weekend everyone!
**Please, don't forget to tell me your birthday (here)

Quick question for you...

Here's a question that kind of relates to my post on Monday, and that I often wonder about:

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?, as Mr. Lipton ask so eloquently on "Inside The Actors' Studio".

Last summer I actually did a post with his "Profile Questionnaire", actually I'm going to re-post it:

These 10 questions originally came from a French series, "Bouillon de Culture" hosted by Bernard Pivot. James Lipton asks his guests at the end of each show, and I think this is my favorite part of the whole thing.

I think this will be a quick way to get a "pretty good picture" of who I am, so here goes:

1: What is your favorite word? "wifecat"

2: What is your least favorite word? "I can't"

3: What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? "a good laught"

4: What turns you off? "stupidity"

5: What sound or noise do you love? "sound of rain on a roof or/and my cat's purr"

6: What sound or noise do you hate? "nails on a chalkboard"

7: What is your favorite curse word? "Fuck"

8: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? "Chef"

9: What profession would you not like to do? "Politician"

10: If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? "You took the long way, didn't you?"

Please let me know your answers... I'm curious.

P.S. I didn't link anything, since I had in the "original" post. Call me lazy!

How weird is that?

Church aerobics anyone?

Some time ago (more like last year) I told Hasarder I was not a religious person, even if I was born and raised as a catholic. I;m more spiritual than religious, that's for sure. I went to church on a weekly basis until I turned 18 or so. I had no choice about it – it was “house rules”. My father was an elite member of the “C & E Club” (meaning he would go to church at Christmas and Easter).
My mother on the other hand always went and still does. She would go to the Sunday service or if she couldn’t the Saturday one. And that’s without mentioning the weekly visits she does for funerals or simply because she wants to.

So, since I had to attend mass at least once a week, I decided to serve mass. Might as well keep busy while I was there. I spoke to the nun who ran the “altar activities” (who was also my 3rd grade teacher) and started out as an altar girl. I would basically simply attend mass sitting in my soutane. As time went by I became more involved. And began to serve mass, helping the priest preparing the host, his wine, etc. Used to love to ring those bells when he presented the host before communion. And then I was in charge of the incense! I loved that; I got to leave the service to go “being the scene”, prepare everything and lit it. I didn’t mind the smell either. I liked being up there and seeing everybody, some paying careful attention, others snoozing with the wife elbowing the husband at times, or others simply “not there”, lost in their thoughts or picking their noses. I saw it all!

I soon became so involved, that I would be called out of school on certain days to serve at funerals. At some point I had to train my mother to do all that. The giggles we had kneeling next to each other when one of us would goof up…

I remember, during a service, sitting there looking at the paintings around the altar, asking myself why was I there, since I wasn’t really sure I believed in what the priest was saying…so I stop going. I was old enough, i.e. over 18+ to be “allowed” to make that decision. That decision wasn’t welcomed with open arms at home.

For the longest time I chose to believe that my loved ones (like my grand father or a favourite aunt) were out there taking care of me, helping me. In my second year of college I had a philosophy teacher who declared at the beginning of the term “This year I will prove to you that God exists and that God doesn’t exists. You will have to decide on your own.” I was so confused that year. I would come home absolutely convinced that I believed in God and then a few weeks later I thought that it was all man-made. During that time I had some pretty heated conversations with my folks.

My mother has always been, and still is, the type of person who doesn’t question much. I, on the other hand, question everything! When I would ask questions about my parents’ faith it would disturb them, naturally. Not many people are really willing to openly talk about their faith. My mother would get upset. She had faith and believed. And that was that. That was totally unacceptable to me. And still is. But at the same time, as I get older, I understand a little more… (let’s say).

I remember one conversation where I asked her why did she believe. Her answer was always “because”. I would then proceed with the “because why? That’s not an answer”
Because was her answer. She believed because she had been told. She believed because her parents believed before her and told her to. She believed because there had to be something else out there; because she had faith, and wanted to believe in something bigger than us. She didn’t (and still doesn’t) like that I questioned her that way. I disturbed her beliefs system. I on the other hand, don’t have blind faith like that. There were times I wish I did. I kind of envy my mom, with her “knowing” that she was taken care of; that no matter what she was protected in a way.

All this to say the church thing wasn’t for me. And it still isn’t. I like to walk in a church and I love the calmness you feel as you enter it. But the preaching part… that is too man made for me. Maybe things will change and a time will come where I’ll want to go. Last time we attended a service was for Hubby’s mother funeral. At some point he leaned over and said, as we were asked to raise and/or sit; “Here we go with the church aerobics…”

How about you, are you a religious person?
___

Image: Personal Photo Igreja Santo Cristo, Acores '99

Let's give it a go!

I've mentioned before that I have ALL my birthday cards since I was born. I love to send and receive cards, any cards. I always did. Lately, due to everything going on in our lives, I've been sending e-cards or making a simple phone call to let the birthday person know that I thought of them. It may not be important to some, but to me it is.

I received an email that I thought was so cool. Instead of forwarding it, I'm posting about it.

We are going to try to accomplish the task of seeing if we can fill the calendar up with a birthday on every day of the year. Out of all of the billions of people who live in the world, there has to be somebody born on each date of the year.

So, if you are reading this you MUST leave me a comment with your birthday so that I can update the list. Let's see how long it gets. This will be our big 2007-2008 post.

Simply add a comment (no anonymous, please) with your birth date, name (NO LAST names) and your city / province (or state) and country. You can do it here as an Opiniated lurker or here.

I will then add it to the list here.

Please, tell all your friends! The more people we tell about this, the more dates we will fill.

Don't be shy, even if you're not a regular or just got here by hitting "next blog".

I will "remind" you about this every Friday, with my "Friday Smile", so what do you say, want to give this a go?

Your Friday Smile!

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

***

Have a great weekend everyone!

Attention!

ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE SUPER-SMART , GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.


YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST POSTING TO SAY GOODBYE.

A little effort

Because of my years of training in karate, I had to do some visualization prior to tournaments, to prepare for the big fights, or for belt tests. I did it often. I trained my brain as I did my body. And most of the time it worked. I say “most” because at times I failed to believe in what I was trying to visualise. I do believe in this. Call me stupid if you want, maybe it’s projecting, or wishful thinking, but I say it’s simply “doing”.

I truly believe that if you want something, and do something about it besides simply thinking about it and saying that you want it, that you will get it. Yes it does involve efforts on our part. But hey, we get nothing for nothing right?

Remember that old expression: “You reap what you sow”? Even back then the old farmers knew that is the way things work. Someone you never buys a lottery ticket will never win anything, and it won’t be because he or she is unlucky. In order to get a chance, an effort has to be made, i.e. go to the store and get a ticket. And that’s where a lot of us give up. We give up even before starting. Just by the way we think. A lot of old Quebecers had this mentality that French people were meant for less than the English people (“Si t’es né pour un p’tit pain…”). Maybe it was because English people owned most factories or businesses of the time and French people were the “little workers”? Whatever the reason, some people still think that way, and it infuriates me. I think it has to do with how bad you want it; how much you are willing to sacrifice to achieve that goal.

Are our fears keeping us for becoming more successful? I think so. It may not be conscious, but I think we have all we need somewhere inside of us, but are too afraid to let it out or don’t want to make the extra effort. We want it all with as little effort as possible… isn't it sad when you think about it?

Everything comes back to the same thing: if you do something, you start a motion that will set other things in motion, the “domino effect” if you will, or the “butterfly effect”, whichever it may be, for a little effort lots of ripples can be generated. We just have to see that pebble and be willing to make the effort of bending down, despite a sore back, and throw that rock in the lake… and then it will begin.

A few years back, a good offer was made to me; I could teach karate full time, train and have a place to stay, in Australia. I thought about it, talked about it with Hubby and in the end I declined. I had always said it was a dream of mine to be able to teach karate full time. But I refused it. I wasn’t ready to leave Hubby behind, and I was afraid that doing karate full time would kill the fun out of it. I still think about it. I realise now that it wasn’t really something I wanted because when the opportunity presented itself I didn’t take it. How many opportunities like that did I miss? I wonder at times if I just don’t see or take advantage of what life is offering me… because I'm not willing to do something...

How about you, do you think you’re “holding yourself back”? What would you be willing to give up and for what?

"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure. "
Bill Cosby
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Image: Effort