Sunday, January 17, 2021

Happy New Fucking Year!

 Yep! I wrote that!  Same shit different digit, that is it!  I'm not pretending to be positive and to believe that everyone is nice and kind, that is bullshit.  People are fucking stupid and we are proving this daily.  You don't believe me?  Just watch the news for 15 minutes, you'll see.  

Many people were all : it's a new year, things will get better!  Come on, all that changed was the 0 for a 1, that is all.  Our shitty behaviors and stupidity did not vanish because the zero became a one.  We don't want to put in the effort it takes to change, to address our issues, to face the truth, so we play the positive people, who believe in rainbows and unicorns and hope for the best.  The pandemic is here, it's a fact, and (I believe) it will be here as long as we keep acting like the selfish people we are.  After almost a year of this being "our normal" why is it that we still have to remind people to wash their hands, to wear a mask and keep a social distance?  Are we that dense?  Really?  Obviously.  It is sad really.  But then, why would someone try hard to respect all that when our, yes OUR government paid them $1,000 in compensation after they've travelled down South during a pandemic?  It was ridiculous and Trudeau did amend that stupid decision.   What I still can get over is why oh why are we still allowed to travel.  If it is that dangerous and that easy to spread, why are we not confining and restricting movements of the population?  We've had a curfew established last week, in Québec, woohoo, it was about fucking time!

Everyone bitches and complains about all this, and even if it could be/is a conspiracy, manmade or natural, who gives a fuck, it's real and people are sick.  That should be enough to convince us all to be careful.  We are so selfish that we just have to get together, to celebrate, because "it was Christmas".  I love Christmas, I love to get together with friends and all that, but I haven't really done so in a long while.  I've been using Messenger, Zoom, Google, etc. to catch up with some people.  I've managed to teach my mother to use Facebook and video chat, since she wanted to see me so bad.  She was sad that I didn't visit her during the Holidays - last time I saw her was in June - she was sad that her Christmas gift was mail delivered.  She was sad that she didn't get to feed me and give me the goodies she had prepared for us.  I rather stay home and away that teasing myself at a distance, with a mask on, not able to give a hug, etc.  Yes, I am that way: all or nothing.  These half-ass measures we've been playing with for the past ten months are just that, a little tease.  I rather be told no than maybe and not know if it will happen or not.  With a firm no (or yes), I know where I stand and can deal.  I can decide what to do knowing what I can and cannot do.

Ok I think I got my venting out of the way. For now. Hubby's dad is now settled in his new apartment.  It was a lot of work, but it is done.  The rest of his life is still a big mess, and we're addressing that as we go.  Not always easy, lots to deal with and at times quite frustrating, especially in a pandemic situation, it just adds to the fun of it all!  Not!

My mom is doing well, considering her beau is basically sitting at home and waiting for death to come.  Sad situation, he was diagnosed with cancer and was told they couldn't operate nor treat.  They could give him meds to alleviate the pain.  So, for the past few months, he's been stone and/or sleeping.  On New Year's day my mom asked me to talk to him while we were video chatting... what do you say to someone who's waiting to die?  Hang in there, it will be over soon?  I can only wish him that.  Let's just say it was a short little chat.  But mom is hanging in, after all this will be her third man she will burry!

 Hubby is super busy, too busy it seems at times.  But he said, last week he actually had fun (learning!) so that's good.  If ever I had any doubt (which I never did!) that my husband is a true geek, hearing him talk about what he does, proves it to me, almost daily. 

He is not only wired to be a geek, he's like the Sheldon of my life, really!  At times it can be interesting, for lack of a better word, but one thing for sure it not boring!

On that note, I will close this post, hoping I did not offend you more than usual with my foul language and direct approach on life.  Life is short, stop bitching about what you can't do and address the things you can.  

Monday, November 30, 2020

It might be time...

 It's been a while since my last post, and even if I've often felt the need to write, I decided against it for various reasons like I didn't want to aggravate a situation, didn't want to share what I was really feeling, didn't know how to word it all, but today feels like it is the day for me to empty my thought bucket... it might be due to the fact that last night Hubbly and I had a good conversation, or the fact that it is a dreary day, or simply because deep down I am fed up of putting up with people's bullshit on a personal and professional level.  

According to Hubbly I put myself in situations where I will get criticized, and will be an easy target - he's right. (
Shit!  Did I just admit this on the web for the world to see?  Oh well, shit does happen, right?) I do tend to join things like the condo committee or even better, me creating this Bacefook group for this postcards hobby of mine.  In doing so, I have to deal with people, many people.  And, I don't feel like it is my strong suit to deal with people.  I'm not anti-social I just have a VERY low tolerance to stupidity.  And having to deal with people it triggers that side of me a lot.  There comes a time when one has to ask themselves, is it time to call it quits, to walk away from it all?  

I think I'm reaching that point.  I've tried to be detached, to not take things personally, but after six years of managing a growing group (over 400 members), it is taxing on my mental, add to that this freaking pandemic and life throwing us some curve balls, and I see that little open door to leave as an invite, almost... 

The control freak in me doesn't want to let go, doesn't want to relinquish control, I see that clearly.  It was/is my baby, and I've put many, many hours into it for it to be an organized group.  I was told it was too structured, and yet I know that many like that aspect.  I know I can't please everyone, and somewhere I'm not trying to too much.  I try to make it easy for all and for me as well, and organization just comes naturally.  The idea of closing shop has been simmering for a while now, because having to deal with the drama and childish ways of many and their sense of entitlement and even many Dunning-Kruger Effect makes it all a heavy load to support. 

Plus to add to it all, we have to deal with Hubby's father situation.  The old man, he's 84, found himself in a real big mess from which we are working hard to get him out of.  All of his life he's had someone taking care of him (from his siblings, to his wife, to his girlfriend and now us) because on his own he is completely useless.  It is sad, really.  Yes he is old, but being old doesn't excuse being stupid and making bad decisions. Repeatedly. No, being old excuses him only so far.  I've had to use a lot of patience in my dealings with him, patience which is already running on low supplies.  Yesterday I had to spent part of the day dealing with the Airbnb host from whom we've rented an apartment for the past nine weeks, who wanted to basically kick my father-in-law out because he had not received the payment for the two weeks extension we had asked for in November. We had originally booked the apartment until November 30th, but because FIL's new place was to be ready in December, we asked the host to extend for the first two weeks of December, which he accepted.  I sent him a partial payment on November 19th to confirm the extension and didn't hear anything back until yesterday.  He sent me an email simply saying "I've received a reservation from Dec. 2nd to January 11th, and can't extent your stay.  Your reservation ends Nov. 30th."  I was surprised and wrote him back, asking for an explanation, etc.  It went on for over four hours, with me sending him proof after proof of the payments (made through PayPal/Visa), etc. for him to say that he never got any email from PayPal and that he couldn't access his account at the moment.  Let's just say, it is fixed for now, but man oh man, Airbnb might not be for me!

So, maybe it is the time of year, the cumulative of this past shitty year or whatever, but I really feel like I need a vacation, far away, where it will be sunny and warm and where nobody expect anything from me.  Having to deal with morons asking where they should put their garbage while standing in a garbage room is just too much for me.  I don't want to be patient anymore, or even try to be nice, I just feel like looking at them and say: 

“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.”
—Mother Teresa

Tuesday, October 06, 2020

You don't have to be nice to be good!

There are times in life where I'm looking for that sign that says: "Bang Head Here", because when the shit starts to rise, the smell gets to be too fucking much.  Things are coasting, generally speaking, and then one day we get a call informing us of a "family situation". Oh, it's nothing dramatic, just a fucking ridiculous matter that is taking over the little free time we had in our lives.  FYI, this is going to be a very selfish post.  We are selfish, both of us, of our time.  We chose not to have kids because we wanted time for ourselves, we didn't want to explain things over and over until it would be understood.  We are both independent, we like being together but we also enjoy our time alone. 
Does that mean we are antisocial? It does not.  Does this mean we are bad people?  I don't think so.  Does it mean we are not nice?  It does at times!

As we all know, I have no fuse.  I have a really hard time supporting stupidity, especially from grown ass adults.  I've been trying to shut the hell up, to be politically correct because we can't say shit anymore without offending someone, it's ridiculous.

For example, why is it wrong for me to say that I'm pissed off when I am?  Why is it frown upon when I mention I don't like something?  Why do I have to act as if everyone is good, competent and meaning well when the reality is not that?  Why can't we tell someone they are not doing a job correctly?  Is it because we wouldn't want to offend or demotivate that person?  What about the effect that has on me having to deal with a fucking moron who doesn't give a rat's ass about their job, or me having to pick up after them, or me having to do it again (whatever it may be) because it wasn't done correctly in the first place? 

I don't consider myself a hypocrite, I tend to say (too often!) what I mean.  I have the finesse of a 2 x 4, I know that, so when my mother's beau was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago, I didn't feel much. Sure, I feel bad for my mother.  The type of cancer he has is not operable nor curable.  He's getting treatments (radiation and chemo) to prolong him, that is all.  So they have to deal with that.  I say they, because I would be lying to say I'm affected by this. 

Covid's second wave seems to be hitting Montréal.  People are really not acting like they care.  We can see teens playing basketball together, fuck social distancing, same thing in stores, etc.  I haven't been out much.  I've been avoiding people.  Might be paranoia, might (most likely) only be me not wanting to deal with people, but I'm tired of it all. 

I'm tired of reading people complaining about wearing or not a fucking mask.  I've stop following friends on Bacefook. I'm tired of people feeling "they deserve" whatever it may be.  I'm tired of having to think for others, because they are too fucking stupid to do so themselves.  

I wish I could just reboot, unplug and recharge... this is promising for the winter months ahead of us, huh?

Tuesday, August 11, 2020

Twenty Freaking Years Already!


This is my favorite picture from our wedding reception...

Twenty years ago we were barefoot,
somewhat sweaty on the beach,
at sunset,
surrounded by friends and loved ones.

Twenty years ago we exchanged vows, 
in front of everyone,
we promised to be there for one another.

Twenty years ago we were in love, 
we wanted to do the deed, 
and we did it our way.

Twenty years ago I married my best friend, 
the man with whom I laugh daily, 
mostly at him, 
but that's another story.

Twenty years ago we were happy, 
excited to celebrate it all, 
to pursue our dreams together.

Twenty years ago I had no idea, 
my love for you would keep on growing, 
and we'd have so much fun.

Thank you for being here for me,
freely and willingly, 
(if need be)
for your patience, 
your tenderness and care.

Cheers to us for another twenty years!
Luvu my cute husband!

Sunday, July 19, 2020

Another Month Zoomed By...

I thought it wasn't that long ago that I last wrote on here, and yet, it has been well over a month.  Geez time flies even in confinement!

As I'm writing this I feel like crap, not because I am sick, but because I feel bad, for more than one reasons actually...  You see, I've been working on that husband on mine for a while now, chirping in his ears that we should think about changing our car.  We were the (proud) owner of a Honda Civic that we bought in 2010 a recup from an end of lease that was already five years old.  When we got it, purchased following a car accident I had (while stopped at a red light some truck rammed into me, while he was on his phone planning his vacation).  We were going away on vacation, and decided to get a car, not a new one, temporarily, until we decided what we wanted.  That "for now" car became our car for the past ten years.  It served us very well.  Honda were/are good reliable cars, but like any car of ten+ years, rust was starting to show, it had a hole (made from a hitch of a pickup who backed into it one winter) right in the center of the front bumper, the doors would not stay open, the rear passenger left side window did not go down anymore, the speedometer wasn't indicating our speed at times (and according to the husband, more and more often), the AC wasn't as cold as it used to be, plus last January, while driving on Ste-Catherine downtown, some guy slowly "scraped" our car while he was changing lane.  Since it was night, and darn cold, it looked like he had peeled off some dirt.  When we looked at the car in daylight there was a little more damage, but since it was an old car, we didn't care too much.  Following that though, it had loosen the left part of the front bumper and one day while Hubby was going in to work, a piece of plastic flew off the car, exposing the window washing container completely.  Something had to be done, so I did a tape job on it!

It didn't look that bad, right?  Granted we did not fit in our neighborhood where most people are driving Audi, Mercedes, BMW, etc, so our tape job was clashing to say the least, but it still got us from point A to point B.  Hubby had been researching some models, asking friends, etc. and we agreed that the Kia Forte pleased us both.  It was in our price range (cheap! not really) and offered good warranty.  We made our way to our dealer, in Laval, and after four (long) hours, we had signed for a brand new car.  They (offensively, almost!) offered us $350 for our old Civic. Yes we could have tried to sell it ourselves for more, but didn't want the hassle.

We picked it up Wednesday evening.  Hubby drove it home.  Thursday he drove me to the eye doctor, because I have another lids (eye lashes) infection, and Saturday we decided to go for a little drive, and visit some friends in the Waste Island.  (On a side note, I will say that it was really the first people we've visited since this Covid nightmare started and it felt somewhat strange at first, but also nice to catch up with friends, and talk with someone other than my husband.  I also realized that I'm far from ready to go back to malls or even restaurants, call my pussy, I don't care.  I haven't been "secluding" for months to go into a group or a crowd, just to be social.  Nope.  Not yet. Side note closed.)
We visited our friends, and actually stayed over for dinner.  A pleasant afternoon was had by all.  Since Hubby had been drinking I was to drive home, my first time driving our new car.  I put it in drive, and I started pulling out of the driveway when I heard my girlfriend yelling "Stop, Stop!"  I had clipped a little cement triangle that was along the road... Long story short, and to spare you the drama, I scratched the car.  Let's just say that there haven't been much conversation in this house today.  We've been on different floors most of the day, and earlier we went out together to look at the damages... I scrapped the bottom of the door from the driver to back door it seems.  I feel like shit about it, it was my bad.  I didn't know (and still don't)  the feel, size of this car, and I put on its first scratch.

I really feel terrible about it all, and to see Hubby this upset about it doesn't help at all how I'm feeling...  I didn't do it on purpose, and like Hubby said, I have really bad juju with new cars, or so it seems.  I have to let this go and get over it.  But it was brand spanking new!!  Within minutes of me driving it!!!

Monday, June 15, 2020

Be Yourself, But Be Your Best Self

Since my mother is turning 78 and because the last time we saw each other was before she left for Florida, last fall, we went to visit her on Saturday.  Since the rules are a lot looser we figured we could visit them while keeping some social distancing. We made her day, she was so happy and it was funny to see how much she wanted to hug, kiss and simply touch us. She was so excited.  I think if she'd been a little pooch, she would have peed on the spot!

It was strange to visit her, since we haven't visited anyone for a few months now... and we had not seen her nor her beau in almost nine months.  According to my mom, her beau had a rough winter.  He was sick most of the time he was there, feeling like he had no energy, didn't work around the property liked he used to the previous winters.  They got back just before the borders were closed, and since haven't been able to access his doctor as easily as normal (or pre-covid).  When I saw him I thought he aged a lot.  He's lost weight, he didn't look that healthy.  He wasn't feeling too hot neither.  He's having back issues, plus he's having some blood issues, and going for more tests, which worries him.

It was nice to see my mom, she looked the same.  She's doing well, even if she is bored out of her tree with the confinement.  She's a very social person, loves to be with people, playing cards, pool, bowling, board games, name it she plays. So being at home, doing puzzles, reading and watching TV is a real downer for her.  Plus her beau not feeling well... and me not calling much, nor visiting.

On Friday, while Hubby and I went to our jeweler to get a new battery in my watch, I decided to get my mom a little charm.  She's been wearing this heart pendant for years, it was a pendant my ex boyfriend gave me when we had first moved in together back in the late 80s.  When I left him, I gave that heart to my mother, since she was always mentioning how nice it was.  When I worked at the jeweler I had looked at a few things, with her in mind, but since we don't see each other that often, I simply looked. 
Friday we got her this ''floating'' two-tones gold heart.   I knew she already had a few chains she could put it on.  She did not wait for us to tell her to open her gift.  I had written in her card that the two halves were Hubby and I. She loved it and wanted to put it on a chain right away.   She removed the old one, and went to her bedroom to look for a nice chain.  I followed her and going through her jewels with her, reminding me of when I was a kid and would play in her jewelry box, which had a little ballerina and red velvet on the inside, and sections for rings, earrings, etc.  She doesn't have that box anymore... so we went through her travelling stuff, and lots of little envelopes.  While she was looking she was talking...  She surprised me by saying she had to get something off her chest for the past three years and mostly she had to forgive herself before anything.  I stood there listening and going through her costume jewelry.  You see three years ago, I had planned a nice outing mother/daughter for her 75th birthday.  She decided not to come (you can read more about it here).  Since then, I have been more distant.  I've distanced myself, gave her space and have not said anything to her about it.  I have been hurt, and have been avoiding being hurt again.  For the first time, in many, many years, my mother and I had a conversation where both of us listened and talked like adults.  I felt super calm. She apologized for ''not putting me first that time'', and she regretted it.  She said that a few times.  I listened.  When she said that she didn't want me to be like my father in never again offering something because she had said no once, I listened, took a deep breath and told her, she did it more than once.  Seeing the look of surprise on her face I knew I had to explain myself, so I did.  I remained calm, and told her that she deeply hurt me twice: once when she refused to come shopping with me for my wedding dress because I didn't want her then beau to wait for us in a car in January, and the second time was when she refused to come with me for a mother/daughter weekend for her 75th birthday because she felt torn up between her (new) beau and me.  We talked.  She cried, and I tried to reassure her that no matter what she was and will always be my mother and that in fact, it was because of that, that I was still talking to her.  I also explained to her that like a broken ceramic that may be glued back together and looks ok, that piece has been broken and will never be the same, no matter how much we try to make it all nice, it was broken.

She accepted my explanation, and I think that the fact that we wouldn't touch (hug, kiss) made it easier.  It was just our words, spoken softly.  I did tell her, like she did when she read her birthday card, that she had a lot more life behind her than ahead, and that I want those years, no matter how many there are, to be happy and peaceful, not filled with regrets and sadness.  I want her to be happy.  I would love for her to be happy with herself, to be enough for herself to be complete. 

Sunday, June 07, 2020

This and That... mostly in front of the TV

Well hello there!  Fancy finding you here, or is that me?  Life is relatively good on this side of the screen.  I'm keeping busy with this and that.  Not always obvious, but it's good nonetheless.

Weather went from Fall to Summer back to Fall almost, in a matter of a week.  I went from legging to shorts and flip flops, with even a sun burn, thank you very much! -  back to legging with socks!  Last night we had a big storm, the summer kind, with thunder and lightning.  It had been a long time since I heard the gods this angry!

I haven't been watching the news much, so, I do know some black man was killed by a police officer while others were standing by, and that there was a walk with looting... that's all I know, and that's ok.  I'm saturated by it all.  By the media pushing down our throats all this bullshit no matter what its covering, the virus, the useless death of a man, the violence, all of it is just too much.  I saw the speech Killer Mike gave in Atlanta, so well spoken.  I don't agree with everything he said, but a lot of it made sense.  These are crazy times.  We are all feeling it on different levels, we're all affected and even infected by the craziness of it all.  Sad times really.

In order to escape our shitty reality, I asked Hubby to dig out my Harry Potter books, last week.  I'm already on book 3, and man oh man, I still love it!  So much imagination and like someone who sent me a Potter postcard wrote me recently, it would be nice to have such magic in our lives.   We've been watching a lot of television, some shows, caught a few (read quite a few) new series (like "Hunters", "Dead To Me", "Defending Jacob", "Dead Still", "A Discovery of Witches") and watched many movies.  Watched "The Art of Racing in the Rain", which I knew nothing about, but when I saw that Milo V. played in it I decided to watch it, and i cried! Lots!  I will try to find the book and read that. A good cry for sure, and I know, like always, the book will be way better than the movie!

Tonight, we watched "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas".  What a movie that was.  Yes it is about WWII, about the Nazis, but it made me (us, really!) think about those kids (on either sides), the wives and relatives of those officers, something I had never really thought of before...  That too, I will watch again.  Some movies felt like we were robbed of two hours we would never get back, but others, were worth the time to watch them for sure.  One that was weird was "I See You", twisted and yet, to think that someone could slip into our home, and live hiding in our house without us knowing... that is one scary thought!

In case you're wondering about my hair, it is growing (fast), so I've booked myself an appointment with my hairdresser (for when she will reopen) for a cut, but I haven't decided if I want to stay salt and pepper...  Some days I think, nah, don't like it, and others I don't care... so maybe once I have an actual cut (whatever she will be able to do with what I'll have by then) I won't mind the grey so much?  I always thought Jamie Lee Curtis looked great with her grey hair...

So who knows, maybe I'll like it too?  Started "socializing" some.  Went for a walk, with a freaking mask (because my friend insisted!) which I hate wearing BTW, and it was nice to talk to someone in front of me that wasn't my husband.  He's the one who goes out and does all errands, so I haven't seen many real people in the past few months, other than him.  I went out again, with another friend, also for a walk (that is when I got my sun burn), but without a mask this time.  We saw so many people, walking in cluster, no social distance at all, very few were wearing masks, and often those who were weren't wearing them correctly.  If you're going to put a mask on, then put it on you nose and mouth, not your chin or throat.  Like those morons who are alone in their car with a mask on... really?  Do they also wear a condom when masturbating?  Just as stupid!

This whole pandemic, real or not (many conspiracies theories out there) was a major clusterfuck on many levels.  It has affected not only our morals, but hurt everyone.  Our economy hurts and will hurt for some time, some businesses closed and won't reopen, it sucks on more level than one.  The worst of it all, is that we're being fed whatever the government and the Powers That Be wants us to "know" or "think" and that is scary.  We can have those numbers say what the heck we want, and make us fearful... a great way to control the mass... 

OK I will stop here, enough.  Stay safe people!