Friday, May 07, 2021

I'm confused... in more ways that one!

I'll give you a moment to read this:  


When I read this my first reaction was: OK so I must not love that much...  I know I can show very little compassion at times, or is that empathy?  Let me see what the web says:

com·pas·sion
/kəmˈpaSHən/
noun
sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.
"the victims should be treated with compassion"

em·pa·thy
/ˈempəTHē/
noun
the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.


Compassion is not the same as empathy or altruism, though the concepts are related. While empathy refers more generally to our ability to take the perspective of and feel the emotions of another person, compassion is when those feelings and thoughts include the desire to help.

Ok so I don't have much of neither of those, at times.  I say at times, because there are times when I will do lots to help others, but not necessarily do I understand or share their feelings.

When I think back to situations/conversations with my FIL lately, it's not pretty.  He tries my patience in many different ways.  I tried to be nice, to explain, to pamper, to explain again, to help, to do for him.  I see that my efforts are kind of expected and that doesn't sit well with me.  I made a conscious decision years ago not to have a child; it is a responsibility for life that I didn't want, and I didn't want to love someone that much.  I didn't know (or even trust) if I could show/have that "unconditional" love.  I guess deep down I knew already that blood isn't thicker than water...  Giving birth (or sperm) to someone doesn't make it so that you will love or even like that person.   It's not that automagic...  I don't think it is, anyway.

At times, I see people who are such a close-knit family and think is it because they love each other or because they have something in common?  Why are we that different from the animals, is it because we lost our instinct? Is it because we can think? (not that many people do, really, but hey, that is what science say).  I would have to look into this, but do animals take care of their parents?  I don't think so...  The parents let their kids go fairly early on, and are they worst off for it?  I don't think so.  We, as human, do everything for our kids, and some parents do a shit load for their kids.  Are we better off for it?  I don't think so neither...

I think the one big thing that differs between humans parents and animal ones, is the guilt aspect.  Do animals play the guilt card on their young ones?  I don't know, but I do know that humans do, on many levels and for whatever reason.

Are we showing affection, love, care, compassion, empathy because we can think or because we care to do so?  Are any of those feelings part of us as people, or we learn them, pick them up along the way?


What do you think?

Tuesday, April 06, 2021

Yup it could happen, and snap!!

 Just finished watching ''Hunhinged" with Russell Crowe, the blurb of the movie is:   After a confrontation with an unstable man at an intersection, a woman becomes the target of his rage.

O.M.F.G. what a lunatic!  The story/acting isn't that great, but the violence and stunt work were quite creative and surprising!  Road rage at the max.  There was one scene, where a woman was driving while applying mascara in traffic, and I turned to Hubby and said:  She deserved to be hit (by a car), and man oh man, did he ram into her car.  It was satisfying to see, because I did (and most likely will again, I'm pretty sure) have thoughts and even visions of ramming our old Civic into a moron  who cut me off or pulled a bone headed move on the road. 

I've been feeling crap, yes the time of year plays into it, the lack of sun, the confinement, name it, and add it to the list.  We are all tired of it all.  I get that.  At times I feel like I could become unhinged too, maybe not to the level of Crowe in the movie, but then again, we he says she should have given him a little courtesy tap (on the horn) rather than hitting it aggressively the way she did, because he wasn't moving from the green light, I got that.  I understood what he meant.  I find that people are driving more and more aggressively, and so much faster than a few years ago.  People are often distracted because of their damn cell phones, or shaving while driving, or putting on make up, or turning to look at the back seat passengers... all those things which take away from they attention being on the road, where it really should be.  I've had a few accidents from people who hit me, while I was stop at a red light on more than one occasions.  Once it was an old man who never slowed down on a boulevard and ram into my car without hitting the breaks.  He didn't have a license anymore and yet, he drove and totaled my car, and as of result of that impact, my uterus flipped.  Another time, some guy hit me, while I was also stopped at a red light, and also totaled my car - he was distracted because he was planning his upcoming vacation on his phone.  Once a little Chinese man ran a red light and hit me as I crossed a street, because he was distracted looking for an address... 

Whatever the reasons, each time, my trust in other drivers diminished and now I wish I had a roobar on our car, so I would feel "protected" somewhat...  

We are more aggressive, less tolerant, and ridiculously feeling entitled, so that make us all a lethal combination when behind the wheel of a car.

I already have any fuse left in me; between my hormones being all over the board, the menopause not giving me any break, the lack of sleep and throw in, for shits and giggles, the family issues and you get me naturally pissed off. Put me behind the wheel of a card, and who knows I might happen to anyone...

It does scare me (Yeah, I scare myself!) at times, when I see how little I need to fuel my fire, to go from zero to 60 in no time flat, but also I see that (for now) I lose my shit verbally. I will raise my voice, talk loud, but (I don't think I do) I don't scream as such.  I talk loud, say things that don't come out nicely nor calmly, and yes I do fucking swear.  Once I've said what I had to get off my chest, I go back to "normal" (whatever that may be).  I've tried (and still do at times, to control that anger often simmering on the back burner.  I feel like I've have enough of people's bullshit and entitlement.  The pendulum is going back too far on the other side.  Telling someone that they are doing or did something wrong is almost impossible these days.  When you do you are called a bully or controlling.  We can't say anything without offending someone.  And don't get me started on the bleeding hearts.  I've have an exchanged (via messenger) last week, with someone who thought it wasn't nice of me to vent about the fact that I've received a piece of Chinese Calligraphy paper rather than a postcard through Postcrossing.  I thanked the sender, mentioned the nice stamp, and also reminded him politely about what was Postcrossing, as indicated on the site:

The goal of this project is to allow anyone to send and receive postcards from all over the world!

I knew that by mentioning my disappointment about the piece of paper that some would comment. I was told I should show more appreciation to the fact that they made an effort to send me something, that maybe they couldn't afford a card, that maybe that was all they add.  My knee jerk reaction was to ask, then, why would someone, voluntarily signed up for Postcrossing to send postcards if they can't afford it?  Why would someone send a piece of paper rather than a postcard?  They couldn't afford one, then they shouldn't send anything.  I know I'm black or white, but if I sign up to play hockey and show up with a broom rather than a stick chances are the other players will not want me to play or to play with them.  Should we feel appreciative that the player tried and showed up with a broom, when they clearly know from the start that they signed up for hockey?  I want postcards, don't care the sizes, the shapes nor the material used for it, but not a piece of paper.  Call me intransigent, cold, name it, I don't care I signed up for Postcrossing wanting to send and receive postcards, and damnit when I don't get that, I will get upset!

Speaking of postcards, Saturday I hosted a virtual Postcrossing meetup and we were, at the peak, 45 participants from all over, including Canadians (23), Belgium, Germany, France, Italy, Netherlands, Norway, Philippines, US, Ireland, UK, Sweden.  Some I've met in real life, pre-covid, and some online and some were totally new.  It lasted five hours, and actually ran quite smoothly overall.  I was concerned how it would be to manage such a large group, but it went well considering everything!  That was a really good way to spend a Saturday afternoon catching up with others sharing the same interests.  It was my first virtual meet international, and will not be the last one I think.

This week will be an "interesting" week to say the least, lots going on with the Father in Law... should be interesting and hoping for the best.

Until things settle down for him all around, we have to manage.  So stay safe and watch out for the covidiots, they're everywhere and they are many of them!!

Monday, March 22, 2021

Falling out of...

 ... friendship - that's like falling out of love, but with friends.  That happens too. 

The past few weeks, I've been having dreams about people I chose not to have in my life anymore.  At some point, in the past, I made this very conscious decision to not have these specific people around.  I have given them enough, may it be physically, monetary, energy or just time. I decided it was enough.  With some people it sorts of happened or happens naturally... we just drift apart.  One day you realize that you haven't seen then in a long while and you're ok with it.  And this is pre-Covid, when we still had the option to see and fraternize with people. You don't really miss them, nor think of them often.  Others, well, for me it was harder, since they had been part of my life for a long while, they had an important role in it, I thought of them as friends, and (for me) that is something.  But I clearly remember walking away.  No explanation were giving, nor asked for, it just happened and that was that.  

Like for any breakup, common friends will feel they have to choose a side.  Some do and they will ask what happened, etc.  Some will try to reconcile, try to mediate, when really there is nothing to mend...

It is not even a question of pride, ego or being stubborn.  I just reached my max of what I would tolerate, do and accept, and decided that was it.  

It did cost me. Lots.  I gave up on something that had been part of my daily activities for over twenty plus years.  Granted my body was needing a break from the abuse I was giving it, but like everything I tend to do in life, I went from black to white, from zero to sixty, when I decided it was over, I stop everything.

Having dreams about these people, where I'm interacting with them, and seeing them, churned things in me.  It disturbed me.  The situations in the dreams were strange, unreal, and yet, I felt wary, I even woke up feeling on edge, alert.  Thinking about it, I'm realizing that it is not like I stopped caring what happened to them even if I chose to remove myself from their environment.  I don't wish them harm.  I won't go visit them at the hospital but I'll pay my respect when the day come.

I'm wondering why I'm dreaming of them, what part of my brain triggered this?  Am I missing them, or is it because we've been confined for so long that I'm reminiscing? Whatever the reason is, it was strange to dream of them...  I'm also realizing that I don't want them back into my life, so that's good!

Today I had a strange experience with a neighbor's dog.  This lady was walking her dog, a BIG Bernese Bouvier, across the street.  As I was working on our evergreen, removing its winter covering, I felt like I was being stared.  I turned around to see this big beast sitting on the sidewalk, across the street, just starting at me.  The lady was pulling on his leash, but the dog wasn't moving.  He just sat there and stared.  I wave at him, and he got all excited.  The lady was having a hard time holding him back.  He wouldn't keep on walking, just sat there and would stare. 

It lasted a good five minutes or more.  I had time to uncover all four trees, go up to get a bag and bagged everything and the dog was still there, staring at me.  The lady then asked me if I was afraid of dogs.  Told her no, and asked if I could go see her dog.  As I crossed the street the dog got so excited, jumping up and down, pulling on his leash, and at over 130 lbs the lady was struggling.  When I got to him, he was whimpering, tale going 100 km/hour, and trying to jump on me.  He was presenting me his paws, pushing me with its head.  Boris was quite happy to meet me it seemed.  I ended up petting him, scratching him and getting gobs of drool over my pants.  The lady looked embarrassed and told me he never did that before...  If one believes in signs - and I do! - was this a sign that I should be getting that pooch?

One can help and wonder!  One thing for sure, no matter how sweet that big beast was, no way am I even thinking of a big dog.  I want a little one, like a Yorkie or Maltese... some pooch who won't shed too much or not at all!  I have to work on the Husband as I showed him some pictures of these little pooches, and he wasn't interested...  He says he's starting to warm up to the idea of a cat. Of course!  







Sunday, March 14, 2021

Pondering

 I've been brewing for a while, and I'm not referring to a bowel movement type thing, but more in a thinking kind of way about this post.  When I think, often it's in English, and other times it's in French... so this post will (most likely) reflect that. 


I came about a little video on Bacefook posted by a friend, which showed a march that was done in town (Montréal) to protest the confinement and curfew we've been under due to Covid.  To see this crowd of Covidiots, screaming and chanting "Liberty" and walking around by signs offering free hugs, and actually seeing them going up to strangers and hugging them, made me wonder if we have a chance... Watching the walkers in town, united for a cause, to not let the governments take over their lives, I can't help and wonder, WTF? It was a nice day for a stroll in town.  I wonder if they would have been as many if it was raining and cold?  The cops were present giving tickets to some for not respecting the social distancing rules and not wearing masks, but overall it seemed like a peaceful march.  They were Canadians after all.
The host of the little video, called upon everyone watching to join their movement and to stop our governments (both provincial and federal) from keeping us prisoners.  Prisoners, really?  I'm sure many people in actual prison would love to be home rather than where they are.

Yes the pandemic is getting to me, it is affecting me, I know that.  I also know, as kindly pointed out by the Husband, that this time of year is always rough for me.  I'm tired of having to wear a mask, to not hear properly when talked to (because of the darn mask or partition), to not be able to go to a restaurant and have a bite to eat with a friend, to just go to a mall for a stroll, all that is affecting me, but also I'm aware of the fact that there is something making people sick out there, and it is (might be) better for all to refrain from getting together too much. People died (are dying) because of this, so why not try to put the odds on our side, and try to avoid it... just 'saying. 

Earlier Hubby and I watched the new Disney movie "Raya and the Last Dragon" - I liked it.  The animation is really good, and the story is a Disney one, so...  The Druun are a threat humanity must fight to survive.  Fight as a united front, imagine that. Anyway...

I've been itching to get a fur ball... It will be eight years in June (the 21st) that we buried Tobi.  We often talk about him still, and remember things he did, etc.  A coworker of the Husband got himself a big Main Coon, a real cutie, but that much fur is a real turn-off.   I don't want a hairless cat neither; they are said to be really affectionate, but I think they only tolerate people near them to warm them up!  Anyway, between the two of us we shed a lot already.  Last week, since it was a gorgeous and warm week, I went on a walk with a friend, and again it triggered that thought that having a pooch would force me to go out for its daily walks.  The Husband thinks its ridiculous that I need a pooch to do that, and yet, I know myself, that little incentive would get me out of the house.  When we had Cathy, I went out daily with her for the short time we had her with us - from April to November 2006 - it did me good on many levels.  I want that feeling back, that unconditional love only a pet can provide.  I guess I'll have to start working on the Husband.  I was willing to wait for the next house, but the way things are going who knows when that will be, so... 

Yeah, we've been talking about moving again.  Condo life really isn't for us.  The market is red hot for sellers, but for buyers, yikes!  We've looked around some.  Even did some drives to look at different areas, cities.  We were thinking a cottage not far from the train, since the Husband still goes to town.  We did a tour of one house, in St-Jérôme (the end of the line for the train). I fell in love with the house, new construction.  The light in there was gorgeous, and there was nothing that bothered neither one of us about the place.  That is, except the price!  We'd have to buy the land and build the house... and in doing so, we would increase our mortgage, which is not our plan, since we would be moving further from the city to spend (hopefully!) a little less and reduce said mortgage.  When I talked with the Sales Rep and she did some calculation, etc. and told me the price, I was a little speechless...  like 250K over our "budget" - not in our price range at all.  I kept looking, and let's just say it wasn't that inspiring. We don't do renovation, so it has to be new, or a complete strip down and rebuilt.  We're not there, mentally, so...

For now, we will concentrate our efforts on getting the FIL damn house sold, get all his shit organized and then I'll get myself a dog, and then maybe at some point, life will return to some kind of normalcy.

One can hope, right? Right!  Glad you agree with me!  Until then, stay safe!

Sunday, January 17, 2021

Happy New Fucking Year!

 Yep! I wrote that!  Same shit different digit, that is it!  I'm not pretending to be positive and to believe that everyone is nice and kind, that is bullshit.  People are fucking stupid and we are proving this daily.  You don't believe me?  Just watch the news for 15 minutes, you'll see.  

Many people were all : it's a new year, things will get better!  Come on, all that changed was the 0 for a 1, that is all.  Our shitty behaviors and stupidity did not vanish because the zero became a one.  We don't want to put in the effort it takes to change, to address our issues, to face the truth, so we play the positive people, who believe in rainbows and unicorns and hope for the best.  The pandemic is here, it's a fact, and (I believe) it will be here as long as we keep acting like the selfish people we are.  After almost a year of this being "our normal" why is it that we still have to remind people to wash their hands, to wear a mask and keep a social distance?  Are we that dense?  Really?  Obviously.  It is sad really.  But then, why would someone try hard to respect all that when our, yes OUR government paid them $1,000 in compensation after they've travelled down South during a pandemic?  It was ridiculous and Trudeau did amend that stupid decision.   What I still can get over is why oh why are we still allowed to travel.  If it is that dangerous and that easy to spread, why are we not confining and restricting movements of the population?  We've had a curfew established last week, in Québec, woohoo, it was about fucking time!

Everyone bitches and complains about all this, and even if it could be/is a conspiracy, manmade or natural, who gives a fuck, it's real and people are sick.  That should be enough to convince us all to be careful.  We are so selfish that we just have to get together, to celebrate, because "it was Christmas".  I love Christmas, I love to get together with friends and all that, but I haven't really done so in a long while.  I've been using Messenger, Zoom, Google, etc. to catch up with some people.  I've managed to teach my mother to use Facebook and video chat, since she wanted to see me so bad.  She was sad that I didn't visit her during the Holidays - last time I saw her was in June - she was sad that her Christmas gift was mail delivered.  She was sad that she didn't get to feed me and give me the goodies she had prepared for us.  I rather stay home and away that teasing myself at a distance, with a mask on, not able to give a hug, etc.  Yes, I am that way: all or nothing.  These half-ass measures we've been playing with for the past ten months are just that, a little tease.  I rather be told no than maybe and not know if it will happen or not.  With a firm no (or yes), I know where I stand and can deal.  I can decide what to do knowing what I can and cannot do.

Ok I think I got my venting out of the way. For now. Hubby's dad is now settled in his new apartment.  It was a lot of work, but it is done.  The rest of his life is still a big mess, and we're addressing that as we go.  Not always easy, lots to deal with and at times quite frustrating, especially in a pandemic situation, it just adds to the fun of it all!  Not!

My mom is doing well, considering her beau is basically sitting at home and waiting for death to come.  Sad situation, he was diagnosed with cancer and was told they couldn't operate nor treat.  They could give him meds to alleviate the pain.  So, for the past few months, he's been stone and/or sleeping.  On New Year's day my mom asked me to talk to him while we were video chatting... what do you say to someone who's waiting to die?  Hang in there, it will be over soon?  I can only wish him that.  Let's just say it was a short little chat.  But mom is hanging in, after all this will be her third man she will burry!


 Hubby is super busy, too busy it seems at times.  But he said, last week he actually had fun (learning!) so that's good.  If ever I had any doubt (which I never did!) that my husband is a true geek, hearing him talk about what he does, proves it to me, almost daily. 

He is not only wired to be a geek, he's like the Sheldon of my life, really!  At times it can be interesting, for lack of a better word, but one thing for sure it not boring!

On that note, I will close this post, hoping I did not offend you more than usual with my foul language and direct approach on life.  Life is short, stop bitching about what you can't do and address the things you can.  

Monday, November 30, 2020

It might be time...

 It's been a while since my last post, and even if I've often felt the need to write, I decided against it for various reasons like I didn't want to aggravate a situation, didn't want to share what I was really feeling, didn't know how to word it all, but today feels like it is the day for me to empty my thought bucket... it might be due to the fact that last night Hubbly and I had a good conversation, or the fact that it is a dreary day, or simply because deep down I am fed up of putting up with people's bullshit on a personal and professional level.  

According to Hubbly I put myself in situations where I will get criticized, and will be an easy target - he's right. (
Shit!  Did I just admit this on the web for the world to see?  Oh well, shit does happen, right?) I do tend to join things like the condo committee or even better, me creating this Bacefook group for this postcards hobby of mine.  In doing so, I have to deal with people, many people.  And, I don't feel like it is my strong suit to deal with people.  I'm not anti-social I just have a VERY low tolerance to stupidity.  And having to deal with people it triggers that side of me a lot.  There comes a time when one has to ask themselves, is it time to call it quits, to walk away from it all?  

I think I'm reaching that point.  I've tried to be detached, to not take things personally, but after six years of managing a growing group (over 400 members), it is taxing on my mental, add to that this freaking pandemic and life throwing us some curve balls, and I see that little open door to leave as an invite, almost... 

The control freak in me doesn't want to let go, doesn't want to relinquish control, I see that clearly.  It was/is my baby, and I've put many, many hours into it for it to be an organized group.  I was told it was too structured, and yet I know that many like that aspect.  I know I can't please everyone, and somewhere I'm not trying to too much.  I try to make it easy for all and for me as well, and organization just comes naturally.  The idea of closing shop has been simmering for a while now, because having to deal with the drama and childish ways of many and their sense of entitlement and even many Dunning-Kruger Effect makes it all a heavy load to support. 

Plus to add to it all, we have to deal with Hubby's father situation.  The old man, he's 84, found himself in a real big mess from which we are working hard to get him out of.  All of his life he's had someone taking care of him (from his siblings, to his wife, to his girlfriend and now us) because on his own he is completely useless.  It is sad, really.  Yes he is old, but being old doesn't excuse being stupid and making bad decisions. Repeatedly. No, being old excuses him only so far.  I've had to use a lot of patience in my dealings with him, patience which is already running on low supplies.  Yesterday I had to spent part of the day dealing with the Airbnb host from whom we've rented an apartment for the past nine weeks, who wanted to basically kick my father-in-law out because he had not received the payment for the two weeks extension we had asked for in November. We had originally booked the apartment until November 30th, but because FIL's new place was to be ready in December, we asked the host to extend for the first two weeks of December, which he accepted.  I sent him a partial payment on November 19th to confirm the extension and didn't hear anything back until yesterday.  He sent me an email simply saying "I've received a reservation from Dec. 2nd to January 11th, and can't extent your stay.  Your reservation ends Nov. 30th."  I was surprised and wrote him back, asking for an explanation, etc.  It went on for over four hours, with me sending him proof after proof of the payments (made through PayPal/Visa), etc. for him to say that he never got any email from PayPal and that he couldn't access his account at the moment.  Let's just say, it is fixed for now, but man oh man, Airbnb might not be for me!

So, maybe it is the time of year, the cumulative of this past shitty year or whatever, but I really feel like I need a vacation, far away, where it will be sunny and warm and where nobody expect anything from me.  Having to deal with morons asking where they should put their garbage while standing in a garbage room is just too much for me.  I don't want to be patient anymore, or even try to be nice, I just feel like looking at them and say: 




“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.”
—Mother Teresa

Tuesday, October 06, 2020

You don't have to be nice to be good!

There are times in life where I'm looking for that sign that says: "Bang Head Here", because when the shit starts to rise, the smell gets to be too fucking much.  Things are coasting, generally speaking, and then one day we get a call informing us of a "family situation". Oh, it's nothing dramatic, just a fucking ridiculous matter that is taking over the little free time we had in our lives.  FYI, this is going to be a very selfish post.  We are selfish, both of us, of our time.  We chose not to have kids because we wanted time for ourselves, we didn't want to explain things over and over until it would be understood.  We are both independent, we like being together but we also enjoy our time alone. 
Does that mean we are antisocial? It does not.  Does this mean we are bad people?  I don't think so.  Does it mean we are not nice?  It does at times!

As we all know, I have no fuse.  I have a really hard time supporting stupidity, especially from grown ass adults.  I've been trying to shut the hell up, to be politically correct because we can't say shit anymore without offending someone, it's ridiculous.

For example, why is it wrong for me to say that I'm pissed off when I am?  Why is it frown upon when I mention I don't like something?  Why do I have to act as if everyone is good, competent and meaning well when the reality is not that?  Why can't we tell someone they are not doing a job correctly?  Is it because we wouldn't want to offend or demotivate that person?  What about the effect that has on me having to deal with a fucking moron who doesn't give a rat's ass about their job, or me having to pick up after them, or me having to do it again (whatever it may be) because it wasn't done correctly in the first place? 

I don't consider myself a hypocrite, I tend to say (too often!) what I mean.  I have the finesse of a 2 x 4, I know that, so when my mother's beau was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago, I didn't feel much. Sure, I feel bad for my mother.  The type of cancer he has is not operable nor curable.  He's getting treatments (radiation and chemo) to prolong him, that is all.  So they have to deal with that.  I say they, because I would be lying to say I'm affected by this. 

Covid's second wave seems to be hitting Montréal.  People are really not acting like they care.  We can see teens playing basketball together, fuck social distancing, same thing in stores, etc.  I haven't been out much.  I've been avoiding people.  Might be paranoia, might (most likely) only be me not wanting to deal with people, but I'm tired of it all. 

I'm tired of reading people complaining about wearing or not a fucking mask.  I've stop following friends on Bacefook. I'm tired of people feeling "they deserve" whatever it may be.  I'm tired of having to think for others, because they are too fucking stupid to do so themselves.  

I wish I could just reboot, unplug and recharge... this is promising for the winter months ahead of us, huh?