A big move...

Once again, my emotions are stiring. I'm going between being happy and being upset... My mother sold her house and is moving to an appartment. That's fine, even if in doing so she is now cutting all remaining threads with my father, however small they might of been. That house was theirs, I never lived there, but it was my parents place. For the last seven years it has been my mom's and G's.

When they bought that house, after selling their store in Little Burgundy (in Montreal), and moved there I never quite undestood their reasoning. It was at a crapy location (on the 125 highway!), just far enough from Montreal to be annoying (1 hour drive) and they were in the middle of nowhere (in between 2 villages: Chertsey & Rawdon). The only good thing about that place, was the fact that the lot was zoned commercial, so they were able to open a little road-side snack-bar or as we call it here "une cabane à pétaque". They did that for a few years, every spring until hunting season in October. My mom loved it - she was keeping busy - ... my dad... well... he was miserable no matter where he would have been at that point.

A few minutes ago my mother called me to let me know that she had finally sold her bedroom set, so to take it off the classified adds on the net. I've been helping her to sell her stuff. She had accumulated so much throughout the years (like we all do), and even if she didn't want to, the fact that they're moving into a 4 1/2 appartment, means purging!

Last week she sold my old dresser (almost 30 years old) and today it was their bedroom set.
That bedroom set is the only set I remember for my parents' room... It's weird to think of that.
For ever I will have engraved in my mind this picture of my father's night table the day he died. He had emptied his pocket change, took off his chain with his charm (#1 Dad), as well as his wedding band, and 2 other rings, his watch and his wallet. You could see that everything had been thrown on the night table, fast... Every time I've look at that night table, even if now it is G.'s stuff on it, I still see my dad's things... Nothing really changed in that house, only one "player" and the colours on the walls. So this move will be a BIG move...

My mom is completely overwhelmed. She never really had to make decisions, my dad took care of everything (even his own death!), so the past few months have been hard on her. She had to make decisions, on our own, and boy does she have a hard time with that. At times I get so aggrevated by her indecisiveness, it's unreal! She changes her mind faster than the weather! She is letting go of a lot of her past, memories linked to dishes, and other items... and I'm doing the same thing indirectly.

That house holds a lot of memories and not necessarily good ones... It will always be, for me, the place where my dad killed himself. Even if the shed has been taken apart, that they planted a few trees, made a garden, that spot his where my dad took his life... and that I will never forget.

I'm happy for her that she is moving on, she needs it, and leaving behind that place will be good for everyone. But knowing my mother it will be a little much for her to take in. Last time I was there, helping pack a few things and in the process purging for a BIG garage sale, she said: "You're making me get rid of all my things... I won't have anything left!" When she said that I laughed, and answered "Yeah, ok Mom. That's why we are pilling boxes over there." I had to tell her that her memories were in her heart not in that bowl or cup! At one point I think she understood what I meant. At least, I hope so.

In closing house she also has to get rid of her dog. They got Cathy when they first moved there. The dog is over 13 years old... a chiuaua. She was really my father's pooch. Since his death she follows my mom everywhere! She even goes hunting with them! When my mom rented the appartment she was told that they couldn't have pets. She talked about having her "put to sleep". She's old: doesn't hear quite right, her vision isn't that good, but she still has that character of hers. When my mom told me what they were thinkning of doing I offered to take her. I couldn't let her die just because it wasn't "allowed" or convenient to have her around... Plus she was my dad's! Talked about it with hubby and in a few weeks I'll be driving to my mom's to get Cathy and bring her to her "new" home. BTW, I've been "preparing" Tobi ... I'm not sure how he'll react to having to share his space with a dog (which is about half his size!)

I've had mixed feeling about taking in Cathy, for different reasons. The last few years I've been working hard at letting go of my father, and I'm on the right path, but I was wondering if taking her in would set me back in a way. But I realised that I love that dog (for whatever conscious or subconscious reason) and didn't think it was fair to her to end her life because of a move. Also, knowing myself, I know that I will get even more attached to her and if (more like when) she dies I'll be really sad. But I'll deal with that in due time. Also, I don't want to tramautise my cat. I have an obligation to him as well. So... for the past few weeks, at night, I ask my dad to come and take her away with him if it would be better for her. (I know, it may sound weird, but I know that my old man is there to help, if I need him to...)

All these emotions, feelings, memories being moved around because of a move... pretty amazing when you think of it, no? I know it will be good for me because all the issues I might of had over the last seven years about G. (or any other man, for that matter) living there will no longer be. It will not be my parents' house, my father's chair or my dad's place at the table, it will be my mom & G.'s place! and that is something that I've wanted for a while now. It was truly hard at times to see G. where my father had been for years. I have nothing against the man, he's been extremely good for (and to) my mother, but he's just not my dad... So, for them to have their "own" place, with new furniture will be good and will take care of all remaining webs of memories that might have been left behind... even if we think that we "cleaned up"... there's always a little something left, like those dust specks that you only see in the sun light...

A little more then one month to go before the big move... should be interesting...