To See Past What It Looks Like

 It's been a long while since I last wrote here... Life has been keeping me busy, between my FIL drama (house sale, court case and him in general), every day life that just can't be smooth sailing all the way, and this damn Covid pandemic and covidiots are not really getting (any) better... life is taking its tole on me, I guess...  I did manage to spend some quality time with my mother.  Drove 1,300 km with her, helped her reconcile with one of her brothers, even did so ourselves to a certain extend.  There is something to be said to being locked up in a card for six plus hours at the time... we had time to talk, let's say!  I feel (more) at peace with her, and that's a good thing.  

Also celebrated a wedding anniversary (our 21st!) by taking a little road trip to Québec City with Hubby and staying there three nights.  We stayed right in Old Québec, great location, parked the car once and walked around the rest of the time.  We happened to be there along with a friggin' heat wave and oh so humid!  Neither one of us could remember sweating this much without ANY training involved, it was hot! Because of the pandemic, every stores and restaurants were short staff, and it showed.  It was our first time out really in almost two years, especially to restaurants.  The hotel where we stayed, Le Priori, was nice, but I must say that for the price (over $300/night, with breakfast) I was somewhat disappointed. 

The room was nice, and we both enjoyed it, but given its shape, a long room, the wall mounted AC unit wasn't enough so there was another (floor) unit at the other end of the room, which turned out to be by the headboard of the bed.  That thing had a compressor, a loud compressor, that woke me almost every fucking time it turned on.  The first night was the worst, I would jump in bed.  The other nights, I guess that all my walking around in the heat made me more tired and I would still wake up but not jumped as much.  The real disappointing thing was the breakfast.  We got a cardboard box delivered to our room, containing a yogurt, a hard boiled egg, a piece of cheese, an apple, a little bread and three bite size pastries, with a tea or coffee.  For three days in a row.  Because of Covid? Really?  Almost all restaurants around there were opened, so why couldn't they serve breakfast, have it catered or something, rather than these airplane meals lookalike? Oh, and we had no maid services.  We would have to put our towels in a bag by the door and someone would pick it up and return it with fresh ones.  We made our own bed, and took out our dirty dishes.  I understand the Covid issues, but then if they can't offer the services they charge us for they should review their prices accordingly.  The location was great, but NOT worth the price we paid for what we got.  Still happy I went, it was a nice change of scenery and I must say, to my surprise, I enjoyed Québec City.

Health wise, it's been interesting.  Had a tooth ache a while back, saw my dentist (in April) and she referred me to an endodontist, which I managed to see in July!  Talk about emergency! Anyway...  After special xrays, I was told I had an infection at the root of a tooth which had a root canal years ago and a crown.  He said he would have to redo the root canal but didn't have to remove my crown, he could go through it.  My appointment was scheduled for end of August.  It wasn't a pleasant treatment, at one point he pushed hard and actually poke at my sinus.  Not pleasant at all.  But what was worst was after... man oh man, did it hurt.  I was on antibiotics and pain killers for over a week.  When that started to feel better, I started having issues with an UTI.  Another round of antibiotics, but that worked fast, thank God!  Over a week ago I went back to the endodontist for him to finish off the treatment, close up everything.  I was still feeling something so he decided to be cautious and re-cleaned it all and would see me in a few more weeks, just to be sure.  I was to be expecting some discomfort, but was I in for a treat!  Worst pain ever! More painkillers and as of three days ago back on another antibiotics, this one Cortisone based.  Happy to write that it seems to be doing the trick.  No more pain!  It is unbelievable how toothache hurts and affects everything from mood, patience, and everything else.  I'm a little concerned how it will actually be post the next (and final, hopefully!) treatment. I guess time will tell...

Yesterday I watch a movie/documentary called: In and Of Itself with/by Derek DelGaudio.

Wow!  I laughed, I cried and I will watch it again.  Do yourself a favor, take an hour and a half, and watch it. 

Maybe I'm going through an existentialist moment, but this illusionist touched me...  Or maybe it is because it touched something in me that rings so true, like that I'm not only what you see, but also many other things that you will never see...  Trust me, watch it, you won't regret it.

Happy New Fucking Year!

 Yep! I wrote that!  Same shit different digit, that is it!  I'm not pretending to be positive and to believe that everyone is nice and kind, that is bullshit.  People are fucking stupid and we are proving this daily.  You don't believe me?  Just watch the news for 15 minutes, you'll see.  

Many people were all : it's a new year, things will get better!  Come on, all that changed was the 0 for a 1, that is all.  Our shitty behaviors and stupidity did not vanish because the zero became a one.  We don't want to put in the effort it takes to change, to address our issues, to face the truth, so we play the positive people, who believe in rainbows and unicorns and hope for the best.  The pandemic is here, it's a fact, and (I believe) it will be here as long as we keep acting like the selfish people we are.  After almost a year of this being "our normal" why is it that we still have to remind people to wash their hands, to wear a mask and keep a social distance?  Are we that dense?  Really?  Obviously.  It is sad really.  But then, why would someone try hard to respect all that when our, yes OUR government paid them $1,000 in compensation after they've travelled down South during a pandemic?  It was ridiculous and Trudeau did amend that stupid decision.   What I still can get over is why oh why are we still allowed to travel.  If it is that dangerous and that easy to spread, why are we not confining and restricting movements of the population?  We've had a curfew established last week, in Québec, woohoo, it was about fucking time!

Everyone bitches and complains about all this, and even if it could be/is a conspiracy, manmade or natural, who gives a fuck, it's real and people are sick.  That should be enough to convince us all to be careful.  We are so selfish that we just have to get together, to celebrate, because "it was Christmas".  I love Christmas, I love to get together with friends and all that, but I haven't really done so in a long while.  I've been using Messenger, Zoom, Google, etc. to catch up with some people.  I've managed to teach my mother to use Facebook and video chat, since she wanted to see me so bad.  She was sad that I didn't visit her during the Holidays - last time I saw her was in June - she was sad that her Christmas gift was mail delivered.  She was sad that she didn't get to feed me and give me the goodies she had prepared for us.  I rather stay home and away that teasing myself at a distance, with a mask on, not able to give a hug, etc.  Yes, I am that way: all or nothing.  These half-ass measures we've been playing with for the past ten months are just that, a little tease.  I rather be told no than maybe and not know if it will happen or not.  With a firm no (or yes), I know where I stand and can deal.  I can decide what to do knowing what I can and cannot do.

Ok I think I got my venting out of the way. For now. Hubby's dad is now settled in his new apartment.  It was a lot of work, but it is done.  The rest of his life is still a big mess, and we're addressing that as we go.  Not always easy, lots to deal with and at times quite frustrating, especially in a pandemic situation, it just adds to the fun of it all!  Not!

My mom is doing well, considering her beau is basically sitting at home and waiting for death to come.  Sad situation, he was diagnosed with cancer and was told they couldn't operate nor treat.  They could give him meds to alleviate the pain.  So, for the past few months, he's been stone and/or sleeping.  On New Year's day my mom asked me to talk to him while we were video chatting... what do you say to someone who's waiting to die?  Hang in there, it will be over soon?  I can only wish him that.  Let's just say it was a short little chat.  But mom is hanging in, after all this will be her third man she will burry!

 Hubby is super busy, too busy it seems at times.  But he said, last week he actually had fun (learning!) so that's good.  If ever I had any doubt (which I never did!) that my husband is a true geek, hearing him talk about what he does, proves it to me, almost daily. 

He is not only wired to be a geek, he's like the Sheldon of my life, really!  At times it can be interesting, for lack of a better word, but one thing for sure it not boring!

On that note, I will close this post, hoping I did not offend you more than usual with my foul language and direct approach on life.  Life is short, stop bitching about what you can't do and address the things you can.  

Be Yourself, But Be Your Best Self

Since my mother is turning 78 and because the last time we saw each other was before she left for Florida, last fall, we went to visit her on Saturday.  Since the rules are a lot looser we figured we could visit them while keeping some social distancing. We made her day, she was so happy and it was funny to see how much she wanted to hug, kiss and simply touch us. She was so excited.  I think if she'd been a little pooch, she would have peed on the spot!

It was strange to visit her, since we haven't visited anyone for a few months now... and we had not seen her nor her beau in almost nine months.  According to my mom, her beau had a rough winter.  He was sick most of the time he was there, feeling like he had no energy, didn't work around the property liked he used to the previous winters.  They got back just before the borders were closed, and since haven't been able to access his doctor as easily as normal (or pre-covid).  When I saw him I thought he aged a lot.  He's lost weight, he didn't look that healthy.  He wasn't feeling too hot neither.  He's having back issues, plus he's having some blood issues, and going for more tests, which worries him.

It was nice to see my mom, she looked the same.  She's doing well, even if she is bored out of her tree with the confinement.  She's a very social person, loves to be with people, playing cards, pool, bowling, board games, name it she plays. So being at home, doing puzzles, reading and watching TV is a real downer for her.  Plus her beau not feeling well... and me not calling much, nor visiting.

On Friday, while Hubby and I went to our jeweler to get a new battery in my watch, I decided to get my mom a little charm.  She's been wearing this heart pendant for years, it was a pendant my ex boyfriend gave me when we had first moved in together back in the late 80s.  When I left him, I gave that heart to my mother, since she was always mentioning how nice it was.  When I worked at the jeweler I had looked at a few things, with her in mind, but since we don't see each other that often, I simply looked. 

Friday we got her this ''floating'' two-tones gold heart.   I knew she already had a few chains she could put it on.  She did not wait for us to tell her to open her gift.  I had written in her card that the two halves were Hubby and I. She loved it and wanted to put it on a chain right away.   She removed the old one, and went to her bedroom to look for a nice chain.  I followed her and going through her jewels with her, reminding me of when I was a kid and would play in her jewelry box, which had a little ballerina and red velvet on the inside, and sections for rings, earrings, etc.  She doesn't have that box anymore... so we went through her travelling stuff, and lots of little envelopes.  While she was looking she was talking...  She surprised me by saying she had to get something off her chest for the past three years and mostly she had to forgive herself before anything.  I stood there listening and going through her costume jewelry.  You see three years ago, I had planned a nice outing mother/daughter for her 75th birthday.  She decided not to come (you can read more about it here).  Since then, I have been more distant.  I've distanced myself, gave her space and have not said anything to her about it.  I have been hurt, and have been avoiding being hurt again.  For the first time, in many, many years, my mother and I had a conversation where both of us listened and talked like adults.  I felt super calm. She apologized for ''not putting me first that time'', and she regretted it.  She said that a few times.  I listened.  When she said that she didn't want me to be like my father in never again offering something because she had said no once, I listened, took a deep breath and told her, she did it more than once.  Seeing the look of surprise on her face I knew I had to explain myself, so I did.  I remained calm, and told her that she deeply hurt me twice: once when she refused to come shopping with me for my wedding dress because I didn't want her then beau to wait for us in a car in January, and the second time was when she refused to come with me for a mother/daughter weekend for her 75th birthday because she felt torn up between her (new) beau and me.  We talked.  She cried, and I tried to reassure her that no matter what she was and will always be my mother and that in fact, it was because of that, that I was still talking to her.  I also explained to her that like a broken ceramic that may be glued back together and looks ok, that piece has been broken and will never be the same, no matter how much we try to make it all nice, it was broken.

She accepted my explanation, and I think that the fact that we wouldn't touch (hug, kiss) made it easier.  It was just our words, spoken softly.  I did tell her, like she did when she read her birthday card, that she had a lot more life behind her than ahead, and that I want those years, no matter how many there are, to be happy and peaceful, not filled with regrets and sadness.  I want her to be happy.  I would love for her to be happy with herself, to be enough for herself to be complete. 

Quarantine Time

Almost two weeks since my last post, two weeks of all we hear about is this pandemic of COVID 19, two weeks (if not more) of:  wash your hands often, sneeze or cough in a tissue or the bend of your arm, avoid touching your face, do the social distancing, isolate, and yet...

Today was a pleasant day, cool but sunny, great time to open the windows and air out the house some.  Many of us have been in isolation, or self quarantine, staying home as it was "requested" by our government.  Having our windows open meant that we could hear the birds chirping, the geese coming back and announcing their return and of course, kids screeching in the back yard.  At first, I thought "signs that Spring is on its way" (even if it snowed all day a few days ago), but then,  I went all...

Why the fuck are there more than one kids playing together outside?  What is it about limiting contacts with other these parents did not understand?  They closed schools, and a shitload of others places to avoid crowded places and/or non-essential gatherings, and yet some thought it was ok for their kids to play together? Really?  Like I often say, the scary part is that those people, those thinking people do reproduce!  Come on!  Do they think this virus only attacks old folks, that anyone below seventy is safe from it or something? 

I know older people might not get the seriousness of it all, I get that.  Maybe it is because they know their ticket is closer to expiration than younger folks, but still, it is no reason to be carefree about this.  Talking with my mother, I realized that she doesn't grasp the extent of it all.  Sure she says its horrible and how scary it is, but at the same time, after being away to the States for six months, she came back - because she rather be sick at home than in the States and since they were not allowed to gather together for their daily activities (cards, bingo, shuffleboard, etc.) what was the point to remain there - the same day she got back she went back out to do her groceries.  She had nothing home, she had been gone for six months.  When I reminded her that she should self-isolate her answer was: I'm not sick, and needed food!

Yeah ok, like I wrote before, she's one who reproduced, too!

I will NOT write about Trump, it's useless and too ridiculous to be believable.  I've seen people  (on the web and TV) who with gloves and a mask on, will remove their mask to lick a finger... just as bad as this official

I will admit, the one thing I'm having a hard time with not touching my face.  I'm realizing that's a habit I have, like biting my nails, also not so great these days...or any other days really! I'm trying to keep my hands busy and away from my face, but I often catch myself with a finger in my mouth...

Other than that all is good.  I will most likely look like a sasquatch by the time the hair salons reopen - I needed a haircut a few weeks ago already, so it will not be a luxury but a necessity by the time I go!

Hope everyone is safe and healthy, and please try to stay the fuck home.

Un mois déjà fini...

...comme le temps passe vite lorsqu'on s'amuse, ou lorsqu'on réalise son effet sur notre quotidien.  Peu importe la raison, nous sommes à quelques heures de fermer janvier, ce premier mois de l'an 2020. 

Déjà cette nouvelle année se veut quelque peu difficile, elle nous enlève de notre monde, ces gens qui font partis de notre quotidien, de près ou de loin.  Il y a environs deux semaines, je recevais un courriel d'une copine nous informant de l'état de santé de sa mère.  En lisant son message je n'ai pu faire autrement que de réaliser, une fois de plus, que malgré tout nos efforts, nos jours sont comptés et surtout que la vie ou la mort n'épargne personne.  Mercredi soir j'écrivais à ma copine, j'ai essayé de l'encourager tout en étant réaliste car après tout sa mère allait avoir 92 ans la semaine prochaine.  Quelques minutes après lui avoir envoyé mon courriel, mon téléphone sonnait.  Sa mère était décédée.  Malgré toutes les préparations qu'on puisse faire, la nouvelle frappe.  J'avoue que d'entendre mon amie parler de sa mère, d'entendre les larmes et la douleur dans sa voix m'ont touchées.  Cette  dame toujours bien mise, acceuillante, une force silencieuse, une présence, malgré sa petite stature n'est plus.  Ce départ laissera un grand vide.  J'ose à peine imaginer celui pour ses deux enfants...

Dans un élan de tendresse (ou de folie) j'ai donné un coup de téléphone à ma mère en Floride.  Je ne lui avait pas parlé depuis le Nouvel An.  Non, nous ne sommes pas très proche, et pourtant elle vous dira que nous le sommes... Nous n'avons pas la même définition, mais bon.  Par moment je rage, et par moment je m'en fout complètement.  Je n'ai jamais été très près d'elle; comme toute bonne fille j'étais la fille de mon père (pas seulement pour son sale caractère, mais parce qu'il voulait une fille, alors que ma mère m'a toujours dit combien elle aurait aimée avoir un garçon).  Elle n'a pas eu cette chance, puisque j'étais enfant unique. 

Je viens de regarder les détails d'appels sur mon cell. le 1er janvier nous nous sommes parlés 1 minute 49 secondes et il y a deux jours 4 minutes 30 secondes.  Nous ne sommes pas trop jaseuses on dirait et pourtant, lorsque j'ai parlé à ma copine l'appel a duré plus de 30 minutes...  C'est dingue quand t'as quelques choses à raconter ou que tu ne parles pas seulement de la température...  Enfin bref.  Je sais que ma mère vieillit, que le jour de son décès je serai peinée, et malgré tout je ne peux faire semblant et dire qu'elle me manque c'est comme si je me suis déjà résignée... étrange et pourtant oh combien libérateur.

This afternoon I realized that my computer and cell weren't syncing as they should and that brought on some insecurities that I would forget things, important dates and such, things I did not use to worry about and now I do.  Not only am I relying on technology too much - I feel I should almost go back to my paper agenda - but I also know that I can NOT rely on my memory faculties as I once did, and I'm not that old yet. Fuck!  This is bad!

Two weeks ago a friend turned the big 5-0 (yeah, yeah, our friends are younger than us, sue us!) and we got to see some people we don't often.  As I was chatting with an ex client who lost a fair amount of weight, I did ask him about it, what he'd done.  He told me about this Intermittent Fasting thing he did for a while and lost over 40 pounds.  I had heard about someone else who did that and had managed to lose a fair amount of weight, so I've looked it up.  It seems fairly 'easy' especially since I'm not a breakfast person to start with and have weird sleep patterns.  I'm leaning towards:

The 16/8 method: Also called the Leangains protocol, it involves skipping breakfast and restricting your daily eating period to 8 hours, such as 1–9 p.m. Then you fast for 16 hours in between.

Actually, I nonchalantly started it, i.e. I stopped eating after 10 pm (because on Tuesday and Friday night I have my meditation class and will eat after it, since I don't want to sleep during class), and within a week I did lose some weight!  Imagine how it would be if I actually did some sport?  ah!  Dream on my friend!

Oh, yeah, also meant to share that we will be traveling back to the beautiful island of Hawaii!  We will be there to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary and our Best man and Matron of Honor will be coming too!  In seven little months!  We're already done with this month, so...

Care too much, get hurt too easily

I turned fifty last November, so I'm not only an adult but I'm an old one.  Yet, at times, like right now, I feel like a fucking child in regards to my mother.  I've always known my mother to be the weak one in my parents' couple.  My dad was loud, abusive and very assertive and my mom was quiet, and very tame.  My father controlled everything, so she went along and never really making any decision for herself or even me, really.  When my father passed I thought it would be an occasion for her to assert herself, to become stronger and to decide what she wanted.  Boy, was I wrong!  After my father's death I realized that she was also a dependent woman, she needed to be with someone, she just couldn't be alone.  It sadden me, and still does.  I do understand that not everyone is able or rather want to be alone, I (sort of) get that, but at the same time it infuriates me and let's be honest, it hurts me too, when I see that she can't decide what she wants.

When we got married, back in 2000, I did ask my mother to come shop for my wedding dress with me.  She lives one hour away from town, and doesn't drive in town, so she would have to be driven by her beau. This was about nine months after my father's death.  I suggested to pick her up along the way, or for him to drop her off, but she wanted him to come with her and wait in the car.  I refused thinking it was ridiculous to have this old man sitting in a car, in January, waiting while I was trying on dresses.  She insisted and when I kept on saying it was ridiculous, she gave me an ultimatum: he would wait or she wouldn't come.  So I told her to stay home, I would go shopping with a friend.  And I did.  She wasn't happy about that, and even had an attitude with my friend for "having taken her place", but I reminded her (on a few occasions) that she gave up that role and chose to stay home.

I was hurt by how it was more important for her to have her beau with her, than to share in my big moment.  I won't even go into her attending our wedding in Hawaii. That was something else too.

A few years back, for her birthday, I decided to surprise her by taking her away just the two of us, for a night away at a spa.  I had to skip one of my class to get to her place the night before, so we could have dinner together, before making our way to the spa.  She had told me she would wait for me for dinner so we could eat together.  When I got to her place, she was playing cards with her new beau (a new one, since the other from the wedding died).  I was a bit surprise to see that there was no food on the stove or anything.  She asked if I had eaten. WTF?  Her beau had come over and they had dinner together.  She forgot that we had made plans.  She had even forgotten that we were going away for a night.  The whole time we were at the spa, she would check her phone to see if he had called.  It felt like I was with a teenager in love rather than my mother.

Move forward to just now, which prompted this post, she will be turning 75 years old in June.  Since she likes to swim, and massages etc. I decided to, again, offer her/us a get away, mother/daughter for a night, with spa, massage, facial, pedi/mani, the load.  I would pick her up, drive there and be pampered for a day with good food etc. I've asked her if she had plans for her birth day, and then told her to reserve me that day and night.  I made all arrangements.  Today she calls me to tell me that she's not feeling good.  She feels stuck between her beau and me.  I should have verified with him if he had any plans for her birthday, as well. Maybe I should, my bad, but at the same time, I did ask her if she was available before booking anything.  Anyway, she doesn't want to upset anyone and feels bad. Really?  She was away from October to March, in Florida, with her beau, and can't be away from him (or him from her) for one fucking day/night, and she feels torn?  I'm not only pissed off, but I'm hurt.  I've told her when she was asking if I was upset, that once again I got to know my place.  I know where I stand in regards to her.  I come after her beau.  Despite my best efforts to let go, it hurts. The kid in me feels rejected sort of.  I will do my best to apply this rule of mine, to treat family as I do friends, and tolerate the same.  Now I have to ask myself, if a friend did to me or treated me the way my mom does at times, would I tolerate it?  Would I still contact that friend and try to get together?  I know the answer to that, and somewhere deep in me, it hurts.  I will have to cut those sentimental strings... and whomever said that blood is thicker than water, can go fuck themselves.

Writing some more, kind of!

Here I am, again, not dead yet!  I've been keeping busy, between having to have a root canal and non stop pain for a week and antibiotics and the whole shabang, I'm still alive, somewhat.

To be honest don't feel much like talking or writing so decided to post some images that do express what I'm feeling or have been since my last visit here...  Here goes:

love that bracelet too, imagine that!

I've been told it's all bout how we see things and choices we make...

been doing that for a while now, and it works!

Some people are really hard to get with for whatever reason... but then again...

I try twice, third time if it doesn't work - they're out!

That "rule" of mine applies to everyone, except my mom... she has a special status I guess... because otherwise she'd be long gone!

'cause in all honesty I have a good life!

I am thankful for my great hubby, my health (overall, despite the hiccups), the people in my life, near and far and the fact that I am enjoying it all...

Of course, I can not please everyone...

What can I say?

Not that I'm trying... as I am aging I've come to realize that no matter how much you try there will always be haters, so might as well enjoy every day, fully, since nobody knows what tomorrow holds...

Fifty years ago...

Today I've realized that I've missed my parents. The couple they were together.  The couple I knew as Mom and Dad. 

Today I've realized that it would have been their fiftieth wedding anniversary.

Amazing to think they would have been a couple for that long, with each other almost every day until my father's death.  To think not only were they married, they worked together, they raised  me together.  They were a couple.  Not a perfect one, far from it (in my views anyway), but they worked.  How ever crooked they might have been.

Yep, today I came to the realization that I miss seeing my parents, together.  I do miss my father.  I think of him often.  I seldom really do think of the two of them together anymore, and when I did at lunch, it made me a little sad. 

Knowing myself, I would have most likely throw them a big party to celebrate this milestone.   Today, I did nothing of the sort, only thought of them and thought of my mother who left for her moose hunting trip early this morning...

Times do change.  So do people... it seems.

2013 by way of the alphabet

I did this last year, and since I always do a review of the year we're about to close I thought of doing it again this way.

Apron: something I started wearing one when I bake

Bowling: activity we did one night, was fun, but really a once a year thing at most.

Cold Shoulder:  what I've been getting from Hubby's cousin, don't really know why (even if I did ask)

Dermatologist: managed to see one, burned me with dried ice and didn't resolve issue. Damn Quack!

Expectation: what I still had, since some people manage to get me down... when will I learn?

Flushed: what I did to a few of my clients.  It did take a load off, somewhat.

Garage Door: after many arguments with our neighbor and discussions with the condo admin.,
we finally got an automatic door closer installed!

Henna: what I had done for Hubby's 50th... on my ass!

Idiots: those we seem to find more and more of, even without looking for them!

Jowl: reason why I'm happy not to have Richard Fish (from Ally McBeal) in my entourage

Kitchen: a place where I seem to be spending a lot less time than I used to

Las Vegas: where we celebrated on thirteenth wedding anniversary

Mother: someone I haven't seen much of lately

Neighbor: the worst one we've never experienced finally moved away!

Obscurity: what I was in when I wrote this list, due to yet another power failure

Postcrossing: what I've been spending lots of time on...

Québec: province where we live and think it might be time to move out off

Rings: what are too loose on my fingers...

Stinkypaw: what I sort of reveal to everyone on Bacefook...

Tobi: my sweet boy, I miss dearly

UVs: what I caught too many of in Punta Cana, DR

Visits: what we made too many of, especially to funeral homes

WW: what I joined and lost twenty-three pounds, before the Holidays that is!

X-Rated: what I should probably be

Yuletide: when we did a lot of "social", time of year obliged

Zoom: what 2013 did, it zoomed by!

That's not right and knowing it makes it worst.

I need to get something off my chest.  It's not easy, but maybe you can help me in dealing with this.

My mother and I get along.  We do.  We don't see eye to eye on many things, but when we're together just the two of us, we get along.  I don't think of her as a friend.  She's my mother, and want her to remain in that role, and this despite the fact she is getting older and I've had to parent her some.  She's the type of woman who must have a man in her life in order to feel complete.  She can't be alone.  I've come to term with this, that's her way and that's that.

For over six months now, she has a new man in her life.  They've been traveling together, have common activities and seem to get along well.  He seems like a good man and my mom seems happy.  One of their activity is to hunt together.  My mother has been moose hunting for many years.  She would go with my dad and kept on going after his death.  She's been lucky and killed most years.  I grew up on games meat.  My father was a fisherman and hunter.  Moose meat is something we ate regularly at my folks.  I went, as a teen, for my firearm permit.  We used to practice fairly regularly, target practice was fun.  I'm also an animal lover, and was never really interested in going hunting as such.  I like moose meat, but not enough to go kill one.

Yesterday, my mother and her new beau came by for a visit. (Brief parenthesis here: I'm also realizing my mom pops up when she needs something from me: yesterday's visit was for me to post 2 items the beau wants to sell on the web.  She didn't know how, so she asked me.)  While I was working on his posts and searching his camera chip for pictures of his items, he showed me pictures of their last hunt.  He had taken pictures of two beautiful young lynx and their mother.  I did ask a few questions because they (mom and beau) seemed pretty close to them, but I could see my mother was somewhat embarrassed.  Turns out, the beau killed them all, just like that.  When I asked why, I was told they ate the partridges.  Wow!  My mom shyly said she knew it was cruel, but they were many of them in the area they were.  A few minutes later Hubby showed up, and beau showed him the pictures.

After they left, I told Hubby how uncomfortable I was feeling with his need to kill for the sake of killing.  Hubby wasn't there when I asked the questions, and had not realized that the pictures were of dead animals. They were beautiful, and my stomach is turning as I'm typing this.

I understand hunting. I have no issue with killing a moose (or any other animal) to feed ourselves.  I get that.  I don't like it, but at the same time I won't pretend not to enjoy my meat.  I'm a carnivore and I assume it.  But killing animals just because they are there and doing what their instinct dictates them is wrong.  I want to address this with my mother, and I really don't know how to go about it.  I want her to know that her behavior and her beau's are disappointing and just plain cruel, as far as I'm concerned.  I don't think it's right to kill at random like this, and I know they both know what they're doing is wrong.  I have a feeling that when I'll talk to my mother about this, tempers will rise and it's not really what I want.  A part of me feels like I should report them to the Hunting Police or something.  Any suggestion?

Too many things

There are too many things to post about.  Imagine that!  Nah, not really, I'm just busy, teehee.

Yesterday, my swim partner wasn't coming due to another commitment, so I didn't really feel like going by myself either, but I put on the swim suit and drove to the Big O. (that's how we call our Olympic Stadium, vestige of 1976).  As soon as I turned on the street of the stadium I could see lots of cars, and people.  To add to my pleasure, there was a freakin' football game!  Finding parking was impossible, so I turned around and headed home - so much for my effort!

I told my mother we wouldn't be here for Christmas... I was a little worried about her reaction, but she just said "Oh, ok" -  Funny what a man in her life can do!

I'm so cute. What happened?

I don't know if this will interest anyone, but since I said I would, I will.  I'm funny that way. Ah!

Here's the first page of my scrapbook album.  My scanner isn't wide enough, but you get the idea or should I say the picture?

On my birth day, in hospital nursery.

I have to say I do feel proud when I look at my album - I've put in a lot of time, money and love in making these pages.  When I sit at my table and start a page it is as if the world slows down some... I go into my bubble and let my creativity run wild.  I truly enjoy every moments of it and this even if it may (will) sound tacky to some.  I have fun scrapbooking. 

If you look under my picture, you'll see my hospital bracelet - my mom kept it.  What can I say I was her first child and turned out to be her only one.  I was the first grand child on her side of the family as well.  It came with lots of benefits but also some burdens to carry.  To think I was such a little thing... how times change...

I just don't know.

I've been thinking about this for a while, and even if I'm still not quite sure how to word it, I will give it a try.    Being an only child, my relationship with my parents was "mine".  I mean by that, I don't think it really compares to anything since I think we all have unique ways of dealing/talking with our folks.  I can say we've always been open and we could talk about anything.  How many family do you know who openly talked about suicide the way we did?  I don't know any.  I knew that I could say something to either of my parent and could expect a reaction (more than a response!).  It was most likely not really what I was hoping for, but nonetheless, I knew where I stood and where they stood as parents.

As I'm getting older I'm realising (sadly) I'm slowly becoming my mom's parent.  I don't really like this feeling.  I've been trying to remain the child, but it is hard.  My mother relies on me for certain things.  She's never been the assertive type (quite the opposite actually) and can't really make a decision easily.  My father made all the decisions.  I understand where my mom comes from.  That alright with me.  I don't think my mother and I ever had that "girlfriend" relationship either, and I never really wanted it.  She was/is my mother, and I want her to remain in that role. There are other aspects of her life which I don't really want to know about.  For example, her sex life, her love life... Good for her if she still gets it on, but that's all I really want to know.  I'm not pretending she's not sexual, I know her, she is (or at least should be or pretends to be) and that's all good.  I also know she didn't have it good with my father.  He never stoke me as the lover type, anyway.

When my father passed away, and because I know her, that same day I asked my mother to take her time before falling into another relationship.  Her words were: "There won't be anyone for a loooong while".  It didn't happen.  Within a month or two of my father's death a man had moved in with her.  He was a nice man, and he took good care of her.  He didn't have it easy.  Let's just say he paid for some of my father's sins.  That relationship lasted ten years.

He had been married before and had two children (which are older than me). They would visit their father at my mother's occasionally.  I've always managed to no be there at the same time as them.  I just didn't care.  When he passed away, they didn't care much.  My mother covered everything.  Since he didn't have a burial lot, she also decided to have him buried. Next to my father. On her parents' lot.  I was surprised and pissed.  WTF?  My grandparents are buried together with my father and an uncle.  I was upset. Now? I don't know.  Yes he did share her life for ten years, but he wasn't family.  It was a family lot.  I did tell her.  She didn't know where else she could bury him, so it was going to be on the family lot.  I haven't been back to the cemetery since the day of his funeral.  I don't even know if she had my father's headstone engraved with his name,etc.  In July my father would have celebrated his 70th birthday, and I'm most likely to go visit him/the cemetery.  I'm just typing this and my insides are shaking... am I wrong in feeling this way?  It might be pure selfishness on my part (I'm trying to figure it out), but somehow it doesn't seem right to me...

She started dating a man she met trough an add in a Seniors magazine, or online.  She's been seeing him for a few weeks and is off fishing at my uncle's cabin with him for a week.  A part of me feels like I don't care to meet this man.  Good for her if she met someone, and it works out, because after all when she's busy with him I don't have to "take care" of her during that time.  Her weekends are busy, I don't have to drag myself to her place (one hour drive each way, just far enough to be a real pain!) to entertain her,  so in the end it's all good. I don't want her to be taken for a ride either, I've heard of too many foolish women who got ripped off by smooth operators.  I'm indifferent in regards to this new man in her life, and even if I do know it's a fair way for me to feel I can't help and wonder why am really I feeling this way?

It's cold outside and yet we have no snow.

A month or so ago I joined "Postcrossing" after reading that Barb from Bloggo Chicago had joined.  I've been collecting postcards since 1978, so reading about this site which would able one more of my addictions, I jump on the occasion for sure.  So far I've sent out eight cards and received four. It makes getting the mail a little more pleasant that's for sure.

I can now see my desktop for the first time in a long time!  This time of year is really rock 'n roll for me - the joy of doing bookkeeping I also have to do T4s, Relevés 1 and such, hours of pleasure! Not!  Hours yes, that's for sure, but pleasure not at all.  Unlike my husband my work is far from being paper free, really far from that, even if our governments (both provincial and federal) are now requesting that all forms be completed on either the web or their tool.  Times are changing, that's for sure.  I really don't mind that request since I've been doing it that way for a few years now, but despite it all there is still a LOT of paper involved.

Speaking of changing times, my mother has decided to get herself a laptop.  To play games on, and maybe write a few emails. My mother is anything BUT technology savvy.  She's just starting to be able to change her flashing 12:00 on the microwave, imagine!  Hubby and I went shopping and found one reasonably priced for her budget with just enough features to really foul things up. I told her to call her phone provider and to get an Internet account, etc.  She called me this morning, all excited:

Mom:            Stinky?  It came in this morning, the postman was just here...
Stinkypaw:    uh?
Mom:           I got the Internet!  It came in this morning!
Stinkypaw:   You mean you received your modem?
Mom:           My what?  No, no!  I received the Internet!

I'm anticipating HOURS of fun explaining things to her.  Hubby has been playing with the laptop since we bought it, to make it as safe as possible and to give me access to remote log in (VNC) to it when she'll be in deep doodoo and calls me for help.  Oh yeah, this will be fun!  I'll have to try really, really hard to remain cool with my mother,  I'm sure it will be one of life's test of my patience, that's for sure.

Time will tell...  What about you, what's testing your patience these days?

Reality sucks!

It’s been so long, hasn’t it? I’ve been debating if I should come back, if I felt like coming back to blogsville? I’m not really ‘mentally’ back from Hawaii just yet. I know, it’s been a week already and yet my sleep patterns are really bad, even worst than before the trip. I’ve always been a night owl, but now I’m more like a bat… scary.

About our vacation… we had gorgeous weather, aloha, Hawaii, the land of eternal sunshine. Our seventeen days away were busy. Here’s a quick recap of what we’ve done and seen:

View from the jacuzzi of the Kona Coast Resort

- Was the relaxed recipient of a “lomi lomi” massage by the ocean – with the real sound of waves hitting the shore not that tape/cd crap… what a treat that was!

 - Visited a sea horse farm – saw some a few days old to a few years old, interesting little beasts, and at the end of the tour got to hold one!

View from the massage table...

One of the many seahorse they had at Sea Riders

- Went to a luau – just had to for my mom and our friend. The food was good and the entertainment was typical, but boy oh boy did the dancers look good!

Hula Boy at the Royal Kona Resort - can you say Yummmyyy!!!

- Took a two-hour helicopter tour of the Big Island – that was amazing! To see red hot lava was really something else.

Steam from a vent on Kilauea

- Did some snorkelling and got to see multiple coloured fishies…

View of Place of Refuge, from "Two Steps" where we snorked

- Played in the sand – even made this big “honu” (turtle), which turned out pretty good.

Our sand honu, not bad...

- Got to spend some time with a dear friend and visited our karate master.

View from our room at the Ilikai (Honolulu, Oahu)

- Finally climbed Diamond Head (first time after sixth visit!)

View of Waikiki & Magic Island from Diamond Head

- Droved around to show as many sights as possible to my mother.

"Downtown" Hanalei, Kauai

- Did a lot of shopping and packing luggage

Napali Coast taken from near the top of Waialealea

- Got some sun, actually lots of sun, and paid the price.

My favorite flowers: plumerias

- Hubby had to waste a few hours in an emergency room – bad earache…

A beautiful nene, near Kilauea

- Spent a lot of $$$

Spouting Horn, near Poipu

- Got to “play mother” for two whole weeks, argh.

There are roosters, everywhere, on Kauai

- Learned some valuable lessons…

Our favorite beach, near Hanapepe on Kauai

- Took a LOT of pictures (these are only a few from the 650+).

We saw new things, ate good food, but to say we’ve relaxed, I’d say we have not really. We’ve had good moments and not so much… travelling with my mother was a little more interesting this year than last year. Two weeks might be too much for us. Oh well. Next trip, it will be my cute husband and myself, alone.

Now if only I could get back into things here... *sigh*

A little of this and some of that ... just help yourself.

I’m doing something I’ve never done before: sitting, in my brand new reclining chair, on our little deck, using my laptop, writing this post. Life is good.

Life has been busy on this side of the screen. Between work and our social engagements we sometimes feel as if it never stops. I’m not complaining; I like being busy. (Phew, a neighbor is burning something… yuck, not a pleasant smell.)

Mom and I had a pleasant evening together. We walked, found a nice restaurant where we both enjoyed our ribs, then made our way to the theater. We both enjoyed the show. It was nice to see her, almost like a kid, fascinated by it all. She hasn’t gone out much in her life, so it’s nice to make her discover things like this. After it was all done, we made our way back stage and went to see her cousin. He was really happy to see her and vice versa. Behind the scene was a completely different world; such commotion and excitement. After their reminiscing time, hugs and kisses we made our way home slowly. She went to bed and felt asleep immediately. For some reasons, her sleeping problems don’t seem to affect her when she sleeps here, which is a good thing.

In other news, Hubby’s cousin is having his twins baptized the first weekend of July. I’ve been looking for something to get them. I actually had an idea of what I wanted, which made it impossible to find: I wanted two 8 x 10 brushed silver frames on hinges, which I would get engraved for the occasion. I found a few but never quite exactly what I had in mind. Hubby suggested getting them something else, which we did. Then I went on to look for an appropriate card: for twins. Couldn’t find anything, especially none that weren't too religious, so, I decided to make one. If you can’t find it, make it! I worked on it for over one hour and this is what I created. Isn’t it cute?

Yesterday, after doing our weekly errands, on our way home, I asked Hubby to stop by my great aunt's place. It’s actually her birthday today; she’s turning eighty years old. I wanted to wish her happy birthday in person rather than call her. I had fun with her when I lived above her apartment for a few years, and her help will always be remembered. Our impromptu visit made her so happy, even if it was for ten minutes. It touched me to see her light up that way. I guess it’s true what they say: Souvent le bonheur que l’on donne est plus grand qu’on ne le soupçonne *

If you’re a regular here, then you must know about Charlie not doing so good lately. It sucks lemons. I just love this old stranger. When I think of my blends these complete strangers with whom I’ve been sharing parts of me, it’s almost as if I should feel strange or something about it, but I don’t. True, we (mostly) remain anonymous (except for those of us who came out on Bacefook), we don’t really know each other and yet we care. The internet has allowed us to become friends, despite the distances, our beliefs, our opinions and even our races. We interact without borders and prejudices. Of course there are the aholes, the “wanna be cool kids” who will snob you for your typos or your bad grammar, or for being too personal or too explicit. In my blogging years, I’ve encountered all types and that made it all interesting. I do choose who I read but it’s not base on color, work or sex… it’s more based on interests. I stay away from anything political, financial, geeky… I have no interest whatsoever and yet at times I will read something that will interest me. Plus I just love that little ‘x’ in the upper right corner – my ticket to freedom! Charlie has become a good blend over the years, and to think of him being sick makes me sad. I know he’s sicker than anything he lets on. Please join me in taking a moment together and lets send him plenty of good, get well vibes. If you are the praying type, please do, he needs all the help he can get. Thank you.

Whoa! Side note: Tobi, my old kitty, was on the deck with me, looking around and sniffing the air. He’s very wary when he comes out and doesn’t venture far. The smallest noise will scare him. As he was sitting by the railing of the deck, I could see his tail getting bigger and bigger and then he started screeching. O.M.G. what a racket he was making. Turned out there was this little tabby below the deck… hummm, my Tobi doesn’t play well with others. I guess this old kitty doesn’t want any intruder in his territory …

*Often the happiness we give is bigger than we think.

Just us girls!

I've asked my mother to come to town today because tonight I'll be taking her out to see "Les Misérables" at La Place des Arts. It's her birthday today. She's sixty-eight years young. Looking at her lately, I'd say she's aging well.

As she's coming off the bus, she looks like a proud old lady with her well placed white hair. I can see time is doing its number on her, and yet... She told me in her heart she feels younger than she looks. It's always the body which doesn't follow.

After the show, we'll make our way backstage and go visit one of the cast member (paying Maître Thénardier) who is her cousin. She doesn't know this. It should be fun!

Uh…oh… I think we’ve created a monster…

Hubby and moi love to travel. It’s a big world out there, and we would love to see lots of it. Unfortunately, our budget and schedules don’t allow us to go off as much as we’d like. We are fortunate enough to travel nonetheless.

We’ve been to Barbados twice, Jamaica, Antigua, Portugal (the Acores), Japan (mostly Tokyo), Hawaii (the islands of Oahu, Maui, Big Island and Kauai), Greece (where we visited the islands of Rhodos and Santorini and the capital Athens). We’ve also taken many roads trips, some shorts and some long, which took us places like P.E.I., Québec City, New York City, Charlevoix, Saguenay to name a few. We just love to explore, and discover new places, new food and mostly new people.

Some people envy us, like I envy our friends living in Zurich who are travelling all over Europe since they’ve moved there. In the thirteen hours it took us to drive down to P.E.I., they would have covered at least 4 countries, while we only went through two provinces. That’s the thing with living in a big country; it’s big.

Hubby wants to take me to Hungary – where his parents are from. I’d love to see it. We will go; I know we will, I just don’t know when. This year, because of our tenth wedding anniversary we are going back to Hawaii, where we got married. It will be our sixth visit to paradise. Mom will be coming along as well. We’ll make her discover the Big Island and Kauai.

Last week, while the daughter of a friend came over for dinner we talked about vacation time. She wanted to know what we thought of certain places, since she’s never travelled before. While talking I sort of invited her to tag along for our trip to Hawaii (I said it, you know, like that). She recently moved out of her parents, and is living on a tight budget. She seemed surprised about it all, but didn’t say too much out of it. The following night, we had a message on our answering machine, from her mother, telling us we might have a travelling pet with us for our next trip. A day or so later, the daughter called. She wanted to make sure we had really invited her along. We offered because we didn’t mind.

I hadn't thought of my mother's reaction so Saturday morning I spoke with my mother and verify with her how she felt about having another travelling companion, which she doesn’t know. Mom was fine with it. (Phew!) Later that evening we get a phone call and a lot of questions are being asked. Hubby suggested getting together for dinner and discussing the different options. We did, on Sunday. By the time they all left our place, the daughter had reserved her flight and she’s coming to Hawaii. She was so excited. It was refreshing to see a twenty-five year old girl so thrilled. Since we’ll be staying in condos (timeshare), the boarding aspect of it all isn’t bad (besides the “tourists taxes, and AC fees” – yep, they now charge you if you use the AC – their way of going green or something…), we’ll split the costs for food, etc.

I think it will make this trip more interesting in a way. Travelling more is fun, but in doing so we’ve become somewhat blasé, which isn’t good, but it’s a fact. It will be fun to see things through her eyes in a way.

While I was sitting at the dinning room table and she was making her list of things to bring, I couldn’t help but think this must be how parents feel when they say they get to rediscover the world through their kids eyes… it’s a nice feeling to see so much joy in one person. She looked like she was about to burst with excitement. She always wanted to travel but never really had the opportunity nor the funds.

Now, I just hope she won’t build up her expectations too much. I wouldn’t want to disappoint her…

___

Image: Travel Bug

Different little pieces in this littler box...

• It's a bullet day, sorry if you don't like that. For those who don't mind them, enjoy!
  
  
• We met a few of my high school buddies for a Sugar Shack outing. Less people than confirmed showed up (how surprising! People are no longer reliable), but the ones present made the best of it. It was for lunch with spouses and kids. There were actually more rug rats than adults. It was a beautiful afternoon, sunny but cold. But man, oh man, was that sweet!! Between the salty pork rinds and the maple syrup I was fed for the day.
  
  
• On our way home we thought some cars around us reeked of gas. Turned out, it was us! I had some maintenance done at a Honda dealership in February, and guess what? When Hubby opened the hood to see where that gas smell was coming from, we both noticed the oil cap was nowhere to be seen on the motor, and there was oil splashed everywhere. Luckily we were near a Canadian Tire where we ran in to buy a cap, some oil and rags, five minutes before they closed. It could have been a lot worst; we were lucky. I wrote a nice letter to the dealership letting them know about it all. I really felt like telling them to pinch my nipples, 'cause I really like that when I'm being fucked, but I didn't, I was nice...
  
  
• You’ve heard about Earth Hour? We did it, for the third year in a row. We took that time “off” to go for a walk in Old Montreal. We made a few pit stops along the way to warm up a little, enjoy a beer and after over two hours we came back home.
  
  
• In 115 days we’ll be going away for a much-deserved vacation, with my mother, again. We discussed it and offered her to tag along for our two weeks vacation. You see, on August 11th, it will be our 10th wedding anniversary, and we had said when we got married, we would come back to this location for our 10th anniversary, and now it’s all confirmed, booked, insured, etc. We will be back. It almost feels like I’m going home… ahhh...
  
  
• I'm thankful, life is good... 'bout you?
  
  
  

It's been busy to say the least in these neck of the woods...

• Work has been keeping me away from all of you. I can't complain, it's good to be busy.
  

• Was supposed to go shopping with Mom last week, but a snow storm made us cancel that plan.

• Spent the weekend cooking, meat pies. Between picking up my mother at her place, one away from where we live, doing a specific grocery run, making the dough and cooking everything the whole weekend was spent in the kitchen.
  

• Played some Wii, while the pies were in the oven, and we made my mother want to get herself one. Ha!

• Another crazy week ahead: clients to see, preparation to get done, party to attend, test to do (for MS) to name a few of the things to do, argh.

• Actually spent a beautiful afternoon today - good thing I wasn't home, we had no electricity. Spent the afternoon and part of the evening with an old high school girlfriend, who's now a talented profesional henna artist.
  

• I'll be showing off my right arm at that client's party, with my freshly done henna work.
  

• Walking with new boots, with heels, when you're used to flats isn't a good idea. I have the blisters to prove it. Ouch!
  

• Postal services suck (more than usual) this time of year... I know my parcels have made it to their destinations country, but they haven't been delivered yet. So much for paying extra for a quick delivery!

• Since we had no electricity for most of the day (the time I was here) I took that time to wrap some gifts. So efficient, aren't I?

• Feeling a little overwhelmed, but it's almost over, right? Ten little days left... *sigh*