Falling out of...

 ... friendship - that's like falling out of love, but with friends.  That happens too. 

The past few weeks, I've been having dreams about people I chose not to have in my life anymore.  At some point, in the past, I made this very conscious decision to not have these specific people around.  I have given them enough, may it be physically, monetary, energy or just time. I decided it was enough.  With some people it sorts of happened or happens naturally... we just drift apart.  One day you realize that you haven't seen then in a long while and you're ok with it.  And this is pre-Covid, when we still had the option to see and fraternize with people. You don't really miss them, nor think of them often.  Others, well, for me it was harder, since they had been part of my life for a long while, they had an important role in it, I thought of them as friends, and (for me) that is something.  But I clearly remember walking away.  No explanation were giving, nor asked for, it just happened and that was that.  

Like for any breakup, common friends will feel they have to choose a side.  Some do and they will ask what happened, etc.  Some will try to reconcile, try to mediate, when really there is nothing to mend...

It is not even a question of pride, ego or being stubborn.  I just reached my max of what I would tolerate, do and accept, and decided that was it.  

It did cost me. Lots.  I gave up on something that had been part of my daily activities for over twenty plus years.  Granted my body was needing a break from the abuse I was giving it, but like everything I tend to do in life, I went from black to white, from zero to sixty, when I decided it was over, I stop everything.

Having dreams about these people, where I'm interacting with them, and seeing them, churned things in me.  It disturbed me.  The situations in the dreams were strange, unreal, and yet, I felt wary, I even woke up feeling on edge, alert.  Thinking about it, I'm realizing that it is not like I stopped caring what happened to them even if I chose to remove myself from their environment.  I don't wish them harm.  I won't go visit them at the hospital but I'll pay my respect when the day come.

I'm wondering why I'm dreaming of them, what part of my brain triggered this?  Am I missing them, or is it because we've been confined for so long that I'm reminiscing? Whatever the reason is, it was strange to dream of them...  I'm also realizing that I don't want them back into my life, so that's good!

Today I had a strange experience with a neighbor's dog.  This lady was walking her dog, a BIG Bernese Bouvier, across the street.  As I was working on our evergreen, removing its winter covering, I felt like I was being stared.  I turned around to see this big beast sitting on the sidewalk, across the street, just starting at me.  The lady was pulling on his leash, but the dog wasn't moving.  He just sat there and stared.  I wave at him, and he got all excited.  The lady was having a hard time holding him back.  He wouldn't keep on walking, just sat there and would stare. 

It lasted a good five minutes or more.  I had time to uncover all four trees, go up to get a bag and bagged everything and the dog was still there, staring at me.  The lady then asked me if I was afraid of dogs.  Told her no, and asked if I could go see her dog.  As I crossed the street the dog got so excited, jumping up and down, pulling on his leash, and at over 130 lbs the lady was struggling.  When I got to him, he was whimpering, tale going 100 km/hour, and trying to jump on me.  He was presenting me his paws, pushing me with its head.  Boris was quite happy to meet me it seemed.  I ended up petting him, scratching him and getting gobs of drool over my pants.  The lady looked embarrassed and told me he never did that before...  If one believes in signs - and I do! - was this a sign that I should be getting that pooch?

One can help and wonder!  One thing for sure, no matter how sweet that big beast was, no way am I even thinking of a big dog.  I want a little one, like a Yorkie or Maltese... some pooch who won't shed too much or not at all!  I have to work on the Husband as I showed him some pictures of these little pooches, and he wasn't interested...  He says he's starting to warm up to the idea of a cat. Of course!  

Pondering

 I've been brewing for a while, and I'm not referring to a bowel movement type thing, but more in a thinking kind of way about this post.  When I think, often it's in English, and other times it's in French... so this post will (most likely) reflect that. 

I came about a little video on Bacefook posted by a friend, which showed a march that was done in town (Montréal) to protest the confinement and curfew we've been under due to Covid.  To see this crowd of Covidiots, screaming and chanting "Liberty" and walking around by signs offering free hugs, and actually seeing them going up to strangers and hugging them, made me wonder if we have a chance... Watching the walkers in town, united for a cause, to not let the governments take over their lives, I can't help and wonder, WTF? It was a nice day for a stroll in town.  I wonder if they would have been as many if it was raining and cold?  The cops were present giving tickets to some for not respecting the social distancing rules and not wearing masks, but overall it seemed like a peaceful march.  They were Canadians after all.
The host of the little video, called upon everyone watching to join their movement and to stop our governments (both provincial and federal) from keeping us prisoners.  Prisoners, really?  I'm sure many people in actual prison would love to be home rather than where they are.

Yes the pandemic is getting to me, it is affecting me, I know that.  I also know, as kindly pointed out by the Husband, that this time of year is always rough for me.  I'm tired of having to wear a mask, to not hear properly when talked to (because of the darn mask or partition), to not be able to go to a restaurant and have a bite to eat with a friend, to just go to a mall for a stroll, all that is affecting me, but also I'm aware of the fact that there is something making people sick out there, and it is (might be) better for all to refrain from getting together too much. People died (are dying) because of this, so why not try to put the odds on our side, and try to avoid it... just 'saying. 

Earlier Hubby and I watched the new Disney movie "Raya and the Last Dragon" - I liked it.  The animation is really good, and the story is a Disney one, so...  The Druun are a threat humanity must fight to survive.  Fight as a united front, imagine that. Anyway...

I've been itching to get a fur ball... It will be eight years in June (the 21st) that we buried Tobi.  We often talk about him still, and remember things he did, etc.  A coworker of the Husband got himself a big Main Coon, a real cutie, but that much fur is a real turn-off.   I don't want a hairless cat neither; they are said to be really affectionate, but I think they only tolerate people near them to warm them up!  Anyway, between the two of us we shed a lot already.  Last week, since it was a gorgeous and warm week, I went on a walk with a friend, and again it triggered that thought that having a pooch would force me to go out for its daily walks.  The Husband thinks its ridiculous that I need a pooch to do that, and yet, I know myself, that little incentive would get me out of the house.  When we had Cathy, I went out daily with her for the short time we had her with us - from April to November 2006 - it did me good on many levels.  I want that feeling back, that unconditional love only a pet can provide.  I guess I'll have to start working on the Husband.  I was willing to wait for the next house, but the way things are going who knows when that will be, so... 

Yeah, we've been talking about moving again.  Condo life really isn't for us.  The market is red hot for sellers, but for buyers, yikes!  We've looked around some.  Even did some drives to look at different areas, cities.  We were thinking a cottage not far from the train, since the Husband still goes to town.  We did a tour of one house, in St-Jérôme (the end of the line for the train). I fell in love with the house, new construction.  The light in there was gorgeous, and there was nothing that bothered neither one of us about the place.  That is, except the price!  We'd have to buy the land and build the house... and in doing so, we would increase our mortgage, which is not our plan, since we would be moving further from the city to spend (hopefully!) a little less and reduce said mortgage.  When I talked with the Sales Rep and she did some calculation, etc. and told me the price, I was a little speechless...  like 250K over our "budget" - not in our price range at all.  I kept looking, and let's just say it wasn't that inspiring. We don't do renovation, so it has to be new, or a complete strip down and rebuilt.  We're not there, mentally, so...

For now, we will concentrate our efforts on getting the FIL damn house sold, get all his shit organized and then I'll get myself a dog, and then maybe at some point, life will return to some kind of normalcy.

One can hope, right? Right!  Glad you agree with me!  Until then, stay safe!

What he said!

Tonight we watch "John Wick" with Keanu Reeves; and one thing that struck me during the movie "it wasn't just a fucking dog" - the whole movie about seeking vengeance from the killer of his dog, it all made sense to me!

Recently there has been tensions between my mother and one of her brothers, her favorite one with whom she has been moose hunting for years,  and all related to her beau.  This year, while hunting my uncle got drunk and actually told my mother's beau that he didn't like him, point blank.   Let's just say that didn't go over that well.   Mom no longer wants to see nor talk to her brother.   At Christmas, the issue became a topic of conversation and I felt I just had to say something about it all. I did tell my mother and the beau my uncle had a right not to like him.  We didn't have to like him even if she did.  We weren't dating him, she was.   She was a little surprised by that, and eventually agreed.

The one thing I did not say was that I, too, don't really like the man.  I am thankful for him being in my mom's life because he's keeping her busy and it means I don't have to, but other than that I couldn't care less about him. Why you ask?  Well,  let me tell you!

They had come over one afternoon, and while here Tobi (our old kitty) got up from his bed and made his way to his food, slowly and cracking every steps he took. The beau then said: "if you want, I can take it outside and ring its neck... it would only take a minute"  I was flabbergasted.   I did manage to ask him how he could ask me such a thing.  His answer was: "Well, it's old!"  When I asked him if he would do the same to my mother when she would be too old and cracked when walking?  He laughed it off.

How dare him asking me such a heartless question,  when Tobi had been in our lives for 18 years?  He wasn't just a fucking cat, he was our cat!

Look at those cuties!

Look what the mailman left me today.  I was so happy PLUS he didn't leave one bill, now that's a very good thing, as Martha would say.

Seven lovely postcards plus one (early) birthday card.  The Eiffel Tower card (on the left) actually came from another Postcrossing meet in Paris.  Two other cards came from France as well, from a Round Robin I've signed up for. The other four cards are because I won a little draw on a local Postcrossing group page.

Since I was the winner of that draw, here are all the cards I've received so far, I'm still missing a few, but I'd say so far November has been a good postcard month!

Because my profile on Postcrossing says it's my birthday month, I've been getting some birthday wishes on most cards I've been receiving this month - cool!

Also because of my profile, people noticed that I liked cats.  I must say that gray cat with the amber eyes is too cute.

Yesterday, while at a client who owns two cats, I had a little cat fix.  It felt good to pet them and hear them purr, but it did not fill the emptiness in me.  It will be five months next week that we're catless and I will say that some days I miss my fur ball A LOT.  I guess I really am a cat person...  

Black Cats...'tis the Season for them

Halloween is near and I've been asked if it was true that completely black cats were a rarity.  I haven't seen many completely black; the ones I've seen always had a little patch of white somewhere, just like mine did.

Black cats were often left behind from a litter of kittens because (still, to this day) many people associated them with witches, or witches taken the shapes of  black cats. They were often looked upon as a symbol of evil omens. For many,  they're lucky and others think it's unlucky to cross their paths.  There are so many superstitions and tales about them; it's lucky to own one, but unlucky to have one cross your path. Good luck to those living with one!  I've had one for eighteen beautiful years and he crossed my path daily.  I don't think my luck was that bad.

Postcard received from a fellow Postcrossing member.

Some historians have claimed that Vox in Rama is the first official church document that condemns the black cat as an incarnation of Satan. In the bull the cat is addressed as “master” and the incarnate devil is half-man half-feline in nature. Engels claims that Vox in Rama was “a death warrant for the [cat], which would be continued to be slaughtered without mercy until the early nineteenth century. It is said that very few all-black cats survive in western Europe as a result.

What I love about black cats are their shinny coats.  It is said that the all-black pigmentation is slightly more prevalent in male cats than female cats.  Also, depending on the light or how the sun hits them, their black fur can turn somewhat brown.  That could be why some say there are no true black cats.

Their high melanin pigment content causes black cats to have yellow eyes.

I've been told on more than one occasion, to be careful with my cat around Halloween.  Supposedly, some people liked to kittynap black cats that time of year.  If that would have happen, those people would have encounter a real witch, that's for sure!

"Let's take back the peace we're owed" - Farhad Manjoo

This guy expressed a sentiment in this article that I don't really share (as far as dogs are concerned), but unlike him (at the end of his article) I do think his rant applies to children. 

I'm sure he got lots of comment about it. Who in this world would say something negative about dogs (or pets in general) and not be criticize?  I will say this, this guy has gutts.

While I was reading his piece, I couldn't help to think he had a valid point, and this despite being an animal lover.  We, as a society, have given animals way too much room and are treating them as we would humans.  It's as if we're compensating for something.  We, Canadian (at least in Montreal), are not too crazy yet with our pets.  I do see some people with their pooch in the car, some in bags/purses or once in a while I'll see someone with a pooch at the grocery store, I'm fine with it as long as the pooch is on a leach.  Wish I could say the same about kids.  (I know, I'm cruising for a bruising here).

In his article he mentioned something about people bringing their pet to work.  In all my years in different offices, I will say that I haven't seen any pet brought to the office.  But, I've seen my share of little runts running around, because the sitter was sick, or the kid was sick and the parent had to work, or because the daycare was closed, or the kid had no school.  Not all kids will, after sniffing you (like a dog would) lay down and nap.  A few years back, when on a contract to replace a receptionist, the CEO who had recently given birth brought her baby to work, because she had to attend a closed-door meeting.  She left the sleeping baby in her office and went to the conference room.  The reception area was right next to her office.  At some point the baby woke up and started crying (naturally!).  The phone at that office was always busy.  While the baby was wailing, and I was trying to understand the caller I had on the line, who was wondering what was going on, the mother was not "hearing" her baby's cries.  After my call, I went to knock on the conference room door and asked her to please attend to her crying baby.  She didn't like that.

After she was done feeding the baby she called me into her office.  She wasn't happy with me interrupting her meeting.  She made a point to tell me that she had heard the baby, and would have come (eventually).  I told her that  if I'd wished to hear babies' crying I would have look for a job in a daycare. I've never heard anything back after that, and worked there for quite a few years. Whenever she brought one of her kids in, it was always for a short visit. 

I guess that we haven't reached the same level of animal love as our American neighbors.  I will say this, in both cases (pets and kids) it is not the little ones who are to be blamed but the humans who are not controlling them.  When I see a kids running around tables at a restaurant I feel like smacking the parent.  The kid only does what he's being allowed to do and then some.  How come we've never done that when we were kids?  Were we controlled that much or were we simply educated?  Hmmm...  If you ever watched an episode of Cesar's Dog Whisperer more often than not, he has to train the human more than the pooch!  Funny how that is.

I, too, believe it is time for all to claim back "peace and quiet".  We all deserve that much. 

I want to break free

I've heard that song on TV and can't seem to get it out of my head.  God knows, God knows I want to break free.

I'm wondering if I can't get it out because I really do want to break free... I've been feeling tied down to my side of the business (my own doing, I know), tied down because I can't just do as I'm told by my lovely husband to ditch some clients.  Easier said than done, if you ask me.  How can I just drop a client for no other reason than I'm fed up?!  Yes it would be better to do so than crash.  I know that much.  Some people have told me (Hubby included) that I'm burnt out.  I honestly don't know if I am or if I'm just fed up of picking up other people's crap. 

I had a call today from a lady I've met two years ago at a conference in Vegas, she did mention that she too, had hit a point in her career when she decided not to deal with a certain type of clients.  You know the kind that bitches and moans about everything, especially prices, are always late submitting their papers and/or only submit some 'cause they didn't think you needed the rest?  Yeah, them people.  As I'm sitting here, I'm also looking at my clients' list.  On there I have some that I see weekly, some bi-weekly and some monthly.  The one I would see sporadically, whenever crap was about to hit their fan, I did let go of. I've been toying with the idea of letting go of another one. He just annoys me.  He never answers my emails, and when he does it's not about what I've questioned him about.  I feel like a mother always repeating the same thing over and over.  I didn't have children because I didn't want to play that game of repeating and hoping that something will stick.

Someone asked me why did I care if I charged by the hour.  I don't and I care because my time is valuable, not as a priced item but as time I'm spending trying to figure things out for them (or pooper scooping) I don't have that time to do what I like.  If I do a cost analysis, then the equation is simple: it's costing me more than I can bill or that is worth billing.

I know I have my answer; I should just drop those juice suckers and be free.  I've got to break free. I want to break free yeah.

In other news, we've been to the cemetery on Friday.   I had read that sometimes wild animals would dig up remains of buried pet if not buried deep enough.  Since we kind of had to rush, because of some workers installing a tombstone near us, I wanted to make sure that Tobi's resting place was still undisturbed. Everything was as we left it, a month ago. Already.

Touched by an angel...

Through this blog I've met some pretty cool people, all different and special in their own ways.  I love my blends, and also value their friendship and this even if we've never actually met - well, except for one (ex-blogger) whom I met last summer (a real treat, even if it was a short encounter).

People who don't blog will often ask how do I know I'm really exchanging with whom the other blogger say they are - I don't and honestly I don't care - if someone chooses to come here, comment and post things that are all lies it is their choice and even if they might be lying it's not like I know them and know they're lying, so... nothing to me.  I'm not getting hurt, attached or emotionally involved with them.  They read me, I read them and we exchange or share if you will.  I have made some types of connections with some - we've chatted and exchanged a little more, like we know our "real" identities on Bacefook (if even those are real, who really knows, right?), or wrote emails.  Anyway, through the years I've made friends with some more than others.  I'd love to get the chance to meet them.

Today, after a long day at a client, I came home to an empty house (I hate it, still not used to the silence when I come home), got our mail and had an envelop from the States.  When I saw the sender's name I knew she was a fellow blogger.  Last year we tried to get together when we drove down to Memphis, but circumstances didn't make it possible.  She doesn't really blog anymore, but we manage to keep in touch through Bacefook.

When I opened the envelop and saw this, my heart warmed up and I got teary eyes.  Look what she sent me...

To think that a complete stranger would take the time to think of me and my kitty cat this way, truly, really touched me.  What a thoughtful gal she is.  I'm blessed.  Really. 

Thanks again M.  Loving it.

burn·out /ˈbərnˌout/ Physical or mental collapse caused by overwork or stress.

Hello interweb, trust you're doing well.  I'm doing good.  Not a day has gone by since we've buried our fur ball that I did not think of him.  I miss our daily routines together, how he would joined me when I was sitting on the toilet and just wait for me to grab his tail then walked away.  Every night before going to bed, when I kiss Hubby goodnight I have this urge to look for him to come to bed with me, and when I come home to hear nothing is the roughest part for me... Yep, I do miss him.

Over the weekend, a relative mentioned something about being illegal to bury a pet.  I've looked it up and in some cities around Montreal, it is forbidden. Oh well.  We didn't bury him in our back yard, since we don't have one anymore. While reading about these city by-laws, I came across an article describing how deep we should dig, etc. so that other critters don't dig the body up.  Tobi isn't buried as deep as they suggest.  I can only hope he won't be dig up by neither animals nor humans.  This is where he is resting, under the flowers, next to my father...

No, I didn't ask permission to put him there.  I just decided it would be a good spot for him.  The thought of having him thrown in the garbage (or whatever else they do with dead pets) repulsed me, so it was either cremation or burial.  I had brought the towel that was always in his carrier, so we wrapped him in it and deposited him in the hole dug by Hubby.  We covered him with earth and finished it off with the flowers.  We had to rush some in doing it, since two men were working in the row behind us.  I didn't want any trouble, and really didn't feel like explaining what we were doing there.  The flowers were the "reason" we were there.

After we were done burring him, I took out a little stamp I have and wrote his name and dates on my father's side of the tomb stone.

I don't know how long it will last, but at this point I just wanted it done, and it is.  His final resting place.  I will have to go back at some point, soon, to make sure all is good and that nothing disturbed him.

In other news, last week I think I heard one of my brain connectors (or whatever it may be called) fry.  I was at a client, and I literally saw, in my brain, something go poof and saw this little smoke filet rising.  At that exact moment I knew I was done.  I thanked my client.  She had made, for me, with her shitty work, a long due decision a reality - I needed to get out of it all.  I needed to ditch that client, as Hubby so often tells me to.  So, right then and there, I did tell her I would clean up her mess and be done with it.  I'm going back at the end of this week to hand in her papers, and that will be it for me.  For that client at least. 

I don't have the energy nor the envy to pick up other people's crap anymore. I'm done.  I feel like I just don't care anymore.  I'll do what I want and fuck the rest of them with their never ending problems.  I'm done.  I'm not overwork nor stressed I'm just done.  I'm mentally tired of being a pooper scooper, so I'll be addressing that issue one client at the time.  Should be interesting time ahead...

It's done, and it still hurts.

It's only been three days since we've buried Tobi and yet it feels like ages ago.  It's tough.  I knew it would be.  I wish I could be rational like my husband, who when I cry will comfort me by saying things like "we knew we would outlive him" or "we did give him eighteen good years" - he is right and I do know all that, and yet it doesn't make it any easier.

I knew I would miss my companion.  I've hoped that all the wonderful memories I'd share with Tobi would help me through this rough time.  He made me laugh, he gave me joy and I'm realizing now he wasn't just a pet, he was part of my family, of our family, of our lives.  He was my furbaby.

I'm touched by the comments and kind words I've been getting on Bacefook, and even here and on "Love is a Four-Legged Word"- it's comforting.  I've received some personal messages as well, and I appreciate those as well.  It makes it all a little easier, let's say.

I have to get something off my chest though.  I know Tobi was just a cat.  He's been with us for eighteen years, not a few months, but 18 freaking years!  We both got attached to him, in different ways, but we both cared for him.   He wasn't the flavor of the day for us.  When we bought him, we made the decision to care for him., for as long as we could. I believe we gave him a good life. Yes they were times when we did torment him some (like throwing him in the snow at the first big snow fall, or giving him a bath now and then), but it never was worst than that.  We loved him, he was ours.  How often did I hear my husband say "Home is where the cats are", and he was right.  We all had a pair of something: Hubby had his two cats, I had my two boys and Tobi had his two humans.

So, when someone (well intentioned, I get that) suggest that I go out and get myself another cat to heal some, it pisses me off to a certain extent.  Tobi wasn't a replaceable good, something with an expiration date that I get to replace with something newer.  He wasn't a toy, he was a a member of our family for the last eighteen years!  Thank you for the idea, but please no more.  Would you tell a grieving mother to get pregnant again after she'd loss a child?  No?  Well, don't tell a grieving pet owner to replace their beloved pet either.  I know it's not the same at all (or so I'm told), but come on people, it's not like a broken thing that can be replaced with some money and a little shopping.

I've always found it strange that someone who swear to love can easily fall out of love and move on to the next best thing.  I'm one of those weirdos who do believe in closure and if I love someone (or something) replacing it won't make it all better.  I need time to mourn.

The time has come...

As I sit here, with blurry vision, and tears streaming down my face despite me knowing, and having known for quite a while now that this day was coming, I can't shake the nausea building up... I have to put down our cat. His time has come.

He chose us on Sept. 15, 1995 at a little pet shop.  He climbed our sweatshirts and started purring in Hubby's neck on that day, and continue to do so daily except for the past week... Before leaving for Punta Cana, I had asked a friend to come and stay with him while we went away.  He didn't have to be in isolation at the vet's, he would be in his things, he would get his pills twice a day and  I knew our friend would take care of him.  She did.

When we got back, his skinniness got me.  He hasn't been big lately, but he was even bonier than before we left.  I've noticed he wasn't eating much and was very fussy about his it all. He hasn't touched his kibbles since we've been back.  His wet food, the good one from the vet, he didn't eat much either.  Since I wanted him to eat, I gave him a can of Fancy Feast.  He ate some, but mostly licked the sauce and left the tuna flakes. I tried another can, a paté, and that one he liked and eventually ate.

Since we've been back, he has only slept for one hour with us, and that is because I got him to bed with us.  I've been trying every night, and he jumps off right away.  He wants to be in his bed, in the office, by the patio door.  We had to move his litter box upstairs.  Between his bad hips, him being weak and not eating much, he wasn't making his way to his box.  Since it's been in the living room, he's been using it.  He even has a hard time getting out of it... it's sad to see him being so frail.

I knew he was reaching the end of his time with us.  He was actually on borrowed time for the last two years or so.  His vet had felt a big mass in his tummy and gave his cortisone.  It seemed to work since the mass went away.  I went in this morning, to have her professional opinion since he doesn't do much except get up to drink and sleep.  His weight did go down almost one pound.  For us one pound is nothing but a good crap, but for a cat, one pound is a lot.  What I like about our vet is how open and direct she is.  She asked me what I wanted to do or rather when I would want to do it.  His mass is back, and is really big.  She increased his meds, so that he's not in pain.

On Friday, we will be bringing him for his last visit to the vet.  His time has come.  She did offer to keep him until I'm ready to do something with him, but the thought of him in a freezer is just too much, so I'll take him with us after his passing and will bury him.  I have a place for him.

I can't believe that we've reached that point yet, as I look at this picture of him as a little kitten... he's been with me all along for the past 18 years... I'm losing a friend, a good friend, a companion who loved me despite my short comings, my size, my talking too much...

He's been such a good cat, my cat, my Tobi...

     

My cat is shedding and so am I

This time of year always involves a lot of shedding. I see it falling in clumps from our old cat, I feel the skin of my face changing, as it always does in Spring.  To add to this pleasure, we decided to get some work done inside our home. Some repairs needed to be done in our shower.  Something fairly simple turned out to be a bigger job; from two or three days to seven and it is now even completely done.  That being said we love the end results.  It was worth the time and money.   It would have been better not to be in a situation where work had to be done, but since that wasn't the case, it turned out good.  Since grinding and sanding were involved in this, the house was a mess.  Yesterday, I spent the day cleaning, from washing the walls to the floor.  Dust does get in every nooks, doesn't it? 

Since it was the shower work which was the most involved we haven't used it yet, to be absolutely certain that everything was dry.  We've been taking shower/tubs for the last week.  We're both tall and to try to take a micro shower in a tub isn't really fun.  We're happy we do have the tun though and happy about the mini shower which allows us to rinse off in a more efficient way than simply sitting in dirty water.  Just the thought of it, yuk!

Maybe it is Spring related, maybe it's just because we've been living in dirt all of last week, but I've been feeling like I should be cleaning.  So, I've listen to the "Blancheville" call and started clearing the mounts of paper that have been accumulating on my desk.  I've recycled a bunch of documents - the pertinent ones will be shredded - and re-organized my work space.  I want it to be airy.  I guess the dark months of winter made me accumulate crap on my desk, but now that the sun has been showing it's glowing face around here a little more often the past few days, I've been feeling its benefit.

It feels good to shed some of that crap... wonder if my cat feels it to?

Copycat much?

You can call me whatever name you want, I'll assume it (most of the time), but I got this post's idea from flurrious' blog.  This time of year I often (not to say always) do a recap of my year, to see on paper what I've done, where I've been, my good and and not so good actions, etc.  I tend to do that in my journal, not really online.

Because I've done (and will most likely will do more in the future, now that we know that the end of the world isn't happening just yet) many memes, I thought of doing something similar to flurrious, by own alphabet meme.  Here goes:

Accident : One more in 2012, because some old Oriental man forgot to stop at a red light while looking for a street name.

Books:  Picked up a few good ones.  May not be fine literature but sure are entertaining books.  There's nothing like the smell and feel of books, that is one thing I don't want to go electronic with.

Colonoscopy: One of fun exams I had to go through in 2012.  Happy to report all is good.

Dentist: It might be time for me to find a new one, since once again he filing he did replaced is now hurting, unlike the old one that had been in there for 20+ years without any pain.

Elections: We've had some and I chose not to go vote.  I'm a bad citizen.  The choices were too bad, I felt like I would vote against someone rather than for, so I didn't go.

Friends:  Because of life getting in the way, it seems that we had far less time in 2012 to socialize with our friends.  We've lost touch with some old ones and met new ones.  Like everything else in life, it changes.

Graceland: We made it there, and I'm happy to have seen it, but wouldn't go back.

Husband: Still have one after 12 years.  He's one tough cookie!

Insurance:  A legalize form of extortion that will most like increase and this even if I wasn't responsible for my car accident.

Jewellery:  In my old age, I'm acquiring more.  I'm enjoying shiny things. Gah!

Knick-knack: Got rid of a lot of them this year, and will try to do the same in the year to come.

Laughing:  Despite my often foul mood, I did laugh often in 2012.  I'd say I did laugh daily, with my husband.  We laugh together or at each other, but no matter, we laugh a lot.

MRI:  Had to have one more to see of there was anything wrong with my back - seems not.

Nashville:  Drove down for a conference and besides the hotel where we stayed, didn't get to see much of the town.  Oh well.

Optometrist: After 13 years since my last exam, went to see one.  Still don't need glasses!

Preppygirl: The first blend I've ever met in person.  That was a first great encounter.  I would love to do that again.

Question:  I've questioned myself and others.  All the time.  I love it.

Refuge:  The place we call home.  Where we go to to hide from the world and its morons.

Swimming:  Didn't really enjoy it, but it did help my back. I should get back into it.

Tobi:  He's still hanging around.  He's still playful and this despite his really bad hips.  My old kitty.

Unbecoming:  The size I'm at currently is really unbecoming to me.  Especially when I see pictures of me, argh!

Vacation: I feel like we haven't had a real one in a long time, and this despite our road trip to Nashville.  A vacation, for me, is when I'm able to crash on a beach and soak up the sun.

Work:  2012 was a busy year for me, not that I'm complaining.  I just have to find balance.

Xmas: Did a tree this year, and while assembling it, decided it was its last year.  It is time for a new one.

Yoga:  I have a client which is a type of leech; she sucks the energy out of me.  I've been trying to let her go and yet, she just won't go.

Zen:  A state of mind I haven't reached yet, despite my meditation.

Something else

I had invited two friends over for dinner.  One of them is 73 and the other is 62.  The younger one drives the other one around.  The older one is something else.  She never stops.

I had decided to invite them because I wanted a chance to talk with the older one, plus I knew she liked my husband - she actually loves all men.  I also know she's sick.  She had breast cancer many years ago, but it came back and this time went to her stomach. She's been sick, loss a lot of weight.  She had multiple surgeries, complications but through it all she maintained her good spirits, never stopped cracking jokes nor stopped flirting.  She's something else.

We talked about many different things, laughed a lot and enjoyed our time together.  The older one has a gift.  She sees things.  Or maybe I should write she feels things.  No matter what, she's something else.

She saw our cat.  He went to her.  She asked about his age, and pet him some.  While the younger one and Hubby were talking together, she told me to prepare myself to mourn my kitty.  She asked if I knew he had cancer.  She told me a few time to be ready to let him go. She told me that I would know when it would be time.

A few weeks ago, while watching "We Bought A Zoo" I cried and asked Hubby if I would know when Tobi's time came.  I don't want him to suffer (I"m hoping he's not suffering at the moment, he doesn't act like he is, but who knows, really). Hubby tried to reassure me by saying that I knew when it was time for our pooch, so I would know.  I hope so.

While she was here, we also talked about her cancer.  It has metastasize to her liver, bones, brain and spine.  She also knows she'll be dying soon.  She talked about it with such a calmness and peace it was nice to see.  I respect her so much for her strength. She still goes dancing twice a week. She really is something else.

A few hours they left, I was sitting in the office, catching up on some blogs when I heard Tobi, our cat, sleeping behind me making strange noises.  He came next to me and basically emptied himself.  He hadn't done that in a long time.  In the past after doing that, he would go back to his food and eat some.  Hubby tried giving him treats and some of his favorite food, but Tobi didn't want anything.  I have a feeling I will have to get ready faster than I thought.  He will be 17 years old in a few days.  He's constantly with me.  He's my buddy, my companion.

He's currently curled up, in his bed, by my desk.  Every day I tell him he can go if he chooses to.  He's been a great companion, a great cat which I love dearly.  We will be going away in August for two weeks, and we've reserved a place for him at the vet's office.  He needs medication twice a day, so it is easier to have him at the vet's.  I've been toying with an idea and when I did ask Hubby what he thought if instead of having him boarded for the duration of our time away, I was to have him taken out of his misery.  According to Hubby, he doesn't seem to be suffering. He started eating again and he's been passing stools.  I just don't want him to suffer on my account.  It may read strange that I would think of something like this, but seeing him sick breaks my heart.  I know he's old, and yet he still has some playfulness in him.  He was chasing his shadow earlier.  He's so frail.  He cracks worst than I do when he walks.  He's also deaf.  Nowadays he's ignoring me not only because he's a cat with cattitude, but because he just doesn't hear me. It will not be easy, and I'm trying really hard to prepare myself for what's coming.  Like my friend, he's something else...

If only the fat would melt as well

I don't know about where you're at, but on this side of the screen the weather has been beautiful for the last few days.  It looks and feels like summer is here.  Oh, don't get me wrong, we had our share of rain.  two of the three flower boxes hanging on the railing of our little deck are not dead, due to too much water, and lack of drainage (my bad! - there was no holes at the bottom of the new boxes, so with all the rain we've had, my beautiful flowers drown).

I don't know if it's an age thing, a menopausal thing or what, but I'm realizing as I aged, that I do enjoy the warmth more.  But at the same time, I find that I sweat a lot more than I used to.  I'm not even talking about the clammy feeling of those lovely hot flashes, not at all.  I'm talking in general, you know like when going for a little walk or even just sitting outside to read.  I find myself drench in a matter of minutes.  It starts with the elbow creases, then behind the knees, then under the breast line, and the forehead (under the bangs).  It's bad, I feel as wet as if I'd been sprayed with a hose, except there was no refreshing feeling at all.  Not a pleasant sensation to say the least.

Not only being wet is unpleasant, but then you get the sticky sensation and actually do stick to surfaces.  I want to be outside and enjoy the sun, but the thought of being wet and sticky doesn't appeal to me so much... is that what it means to get old...er?

We have AC at home and in the car.  I enjoy that comfort too.  I'm dry and that's good.  The negative point about the ac being on all the time (besides the electric bill) is the fact that I'm generally cold.  Almost every night I have to put a sweater on and socks, while Hubby is in short and saying he's hot.

Earlier while the TV was on, I heard of a man in ON who was being charged with animal cruelty for leaving his dog in his car.  A pet's temperature is about 38C to start with, add to that the fur and being stuck in a car which is like an oven under the sun, is pure and simple cruelty.  How can any respecting, pet loving owner can leave their animals in the sun with a cracked window (of course!) be considered a loving or caring gesture?  Would a parent leave their kid in an oven for "just 15 min"?  ... oh wait, there's always a parent somewhere who do forget their kids in the back seat, every summer, never mind, moving on.  I know I'm harsh. Sorry.

 

My shadow

Since our time away in Sept. Tobi has been doing "new" things like, sitting on Hubby's lap.  He never used to do that before.  He would sit next to Hubby or lay really, really closed to him, but never sat on his lap.  That was something he did with me, and only on the recliner and if I had my throw covering me.  He's been following me around like a dog, worst than before, every time I get up from the office to go somewhere in the house, he's following my every steps.  He's never been so much in the way. 

As I sit here, Tobi is watching me, sitting on top of my computer.  That's also a very new thing of his. He's so cute, with his big yellow eyes.  All I see are his Batman ears and eyes - too cute!  I love him so much!  He's becoming so frail and such a little whining bastard, and yet, when he does his little "vrrruing" when I talk to him, it warms my heart.  I just love my kitty cat.

Don't Be Cruel...

At times things will happen and one can't help but wonder, how can we, as people, do something like this? I've been wondering this about many things. Man in one cruel creature.

We all have heard how horrible war is, how man will act under duress, how our true nature will come out. I guess I do understand someone defending its life. I never understood (and probably never will, either) why someone has this need to take it out on someone weaker than him/her. When I think of the horrors of civil wars, of people turning on each other because of "power" and such, it makes my stomach turn. I also don't understand why someone would be mean to animals. I'm not talking about being faced by a lion in a jungle and killing it (and that happens on a regular basis to many of us, anyway!), no, I'm talking about animal cruelty in general. We all heard horror stories about puppy mills, and those kennels where they train fighting dogs, or animal neglect. It's common.

Not everybody is an animal lover, I get that. Just like not everyone is a kid lover. Not wanting an animal as a pet is one thing, but being cruel to an animal is another one completely. Pets are, in my book, the purest form of unconditional love one can get, and that  is priceless. They don't care if you are fat, have tattoos, no job, lots of money or whatever else. You show them some care, attention, feed them, and they will be your friend.

Last week I saw a newscast about this place/pound called "Berger Blanc", and how badly they are treating animals. To say the least, it made me mad. They have a mandate with our city for animal control. Strays or animals people want to get rid of are brought there to either be adopted or put down. Supposedly, when a pet is lost, one could get it back from that place. Not only do they not help reunite lost pets with their owners, but they expedite the process to euthanize pets.

Every year, when July 1st comes around, our National Moving Day, many pets are left behind by their owners. These pets are often brought to "Berger Blanc" to be put down. It's no longer convenient to own a pet, it's getting too old, or just because it's not as much fun as one had hope, plus it's a lot of work, so these responsible pet owners simply decide to get rid of their pet. It pisses me off to see how little people respect animals. A pet is not a disposable good.

I've posted links about the news report on my Bacefook page as well as a link for a petition going around to shut them down. Their treatments of animals is simply inhumane. The owners of that place should be charged with criminal charges and severely fined. In the newscast they show an employee who laughed and really didn't care about the pets. He should be charged as well. That level of savagery was/is scary.

Some people will say "come on, they're only animals who had no chance anyway". These animals didn't have to suffer that way. When I look at my old cat, I can't even phantom the idea of having him suffer. I've been feeling sad about the idea of having to put him down (when the time comes), but seeing the horrible deaths some animals had to go through makes me shiver.  I woudn't want to see anyone suffer like that, in those conditions. How can someone not care so much?

Thinking about this, I've realised not only the employees of that place are heartless, but they people who abandonned their pets as well.  It is too easy to get rid of pet in our society.  When Hubby and I decided to adopt our cat (sixteen years ago) we made a commitment.  We would take care of him until he died.  I wasn't getting a cat only because it was so darn cute as a kitten.  I wanted a companion, and I have a great one.

I've been wondering, for some, if it would be as easy to get rid of a child, if some people would?  I have this strange feeling that some people might.  After all, it is a lot of work to raise a child, plus it's costly. At times, it can also be inconvenient. I know, some people will get upset about how I compare my pet to their child. But if we're honest with ourselves, we will admit that some people would, if they could get away with it.  Some people have shown as much cruelty to their kids.  We've only heard about those who did get caught, so there are some more out there.

Why is it we can not treat life (all lives) as the sacred thing it is?  How can we be so disconnected from our feelings that being cruel to another living doesn't bother us?  We live in a sad world... there's no doubt about that...
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One of the (many) newscast

In other news...

• we've been having yucky weather, rain, rain, rain.  We have friends who had to evacuate their house due to flooding.  It's been going one for over one week now.
• I didn't watch "the" wedding.
• I couldn't (and still can't) understand the comparaison between Lady Di and Kate... that was just weird to me.
• I wasn't a good citizen on Monday... I didn't do what was expected of me.
• dieting is a bitch!
• Tobi is losing tufts of hair... might be due to his meds.  At least he looks like he's doing ok.
• I can't believe we're already in May!
• Ben Laden... really?!
• this is my 999 posts!

Today was a good day.

It started with Tobi waking me up, standing on Hubby's pillow, meowing into my face to be fed.  A nice change from him not eating at all.

It continued with me getting our mail and opening an extremely thoughtful card from a dear blend, Michele.  Thank you so much, that made my day (or so I thought)!  Your caring is touching me; your little card means a lot. Thank you.

Later on, in the afternoon, I received an email from a girlfriend, who had received a little something I made for her.  My dear friend celebrated her 50th birthday at the beginning of the month.  Her kids had organised a little surprise party for her.  I took a bunch of pictures, and instead of simply posting them on Bacefook, I decided to make her a little commemorative scrapbook/album.  I had never made a small one before (6 x 6 pages vs 12 x 12).  It took me a good two weeks to put together, but I was happy with the end result, and hoped she would enjoy it.  I was happy to read that she did, yay!

Maybe it was because the sun was out today, maybe it's because we might of found a place that would have potential for our next house, maybe it's because my kitty is feeling better, or maybe it's the perspective of chocolate, I don't really know... All I do know is that today was a good day and that I'm lucky to have friends like I do.  I'm blessed and for that I'm thankful.  It makes up (at times) for the pain and other crap thrown our way.  It's not all bad, and that is a very good thing, and I'm happy to be able to see it all.
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Yeah I think it's right.

I'm realising as I'm thinking about this thing with my cat, and how much I worry about him, that he's making me feel things I thought I would spare myself from...

You see, when I made the decision not to have children (because if I were to be a mother, it wasn't to be for just one kid) one of my argument was the fact that I didn't want to love someone that much.  I know myself, and knew if I were to become a mother, I would love him/her so much, I guess like what my parents did with me, too much.  I didn't want to do that to someone.  At times, I felt trapped by my parents' love and at those times I wished I had siblings so we could share the love load.  It may not make sense, but it does to me.

I was, deep down, afraid to love.  Go figure.  I don't regret my decision.  Tobi, my kitty, became more than a family member, he became my fur baby, as I often called him.  I do know he's nothing like having a child.  I can leave him alone with water and some food for a few days, well, I could.  I wouldn't do it now, I'm monitoring his feeding since he doesn't eat much.  I'm emotionally attached to him, for the last sixteen years, and his upcoming death is making me realise just how much maybe, in the end, it's a darn good thing I decided not to become a mother.

It doesn't make anything easier, but I can't imagine how a parent feels when their child is sick or even worst when their kid is facing death.  No matter how old we get, we are always our parents' kid.  I see it with my mom.  Last week I saw Mary Osmond on Oprah, talking about her son's death, and how hard it was.  It is not the 'natural order' of things... In my case, I knew I would (if I was lucky) outlived my cat, and yet...

Last weekend we visited a friend for her birthday, she's a mother and now a grand-mother (but she doesn't look it!).  She did a great job with her kids, they are sharp, well mannered, good valued young adults.  Watching them with their kids was nice.  They are the type of parents who enjoy being with their kids and it showed.  The grand-kids (4 of them, aged between 6 years old to 3 months old) were well behaved, they looked happy and they were actually good kids.  What a nice change from some of the kids we have been exposed to in the past.  Even Hubby commented about them.  It was nice to see youngsters enjoying being parents.  Seeing their babies, I couldn't help but think how, if we did had a kid, our child would have look like.  Many people told us we would make great parents, I know we could.  We chose not to.  We may have cut ourselves from one of life's greatest pleasure or gift, but I still think it was the right decision for us.  If I don't regret it at forty-four, I think it's fair to say I'm OK with that decision.

All this to say, I wouldn't want to go through what I've been feeling because of my cat, for a child.  I would most likely go mad.  As I'm facing Tobi's upcoming death, I'm realising that I will probably be pet free for a while...

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