Pondering

 I've been brewing for a while, and I'm not referring to a bowel movement type thing, but more in a thinking kind of way about this post.  When I think, often it's in English, and other times it's in French... so this post will (most likely) reflect that. 

I came about a little video on Bacefook posted by a friend, which showed a march that was done in town (Montréal) to protest the confinement and curfew we've been under due to Covid.  To see this crowd of Covidiots, screaming and chanting "Liberty" and walking around by signs offering free hugs, and actually seeing them going up to strangers and hugging them, made me wonder if we have a chance... Watching the walkers in town, united for a cause, to not let the governments take over their lives, I can't help and wonder, WTF? It was a nice day for a stroll in town.  I wonder if they would have been as many if it was raining and cold?  The cops were present giving tickets to some for not respecting the social distancing rules and not wearing masks, but overall it seemed like a peaceful march.  They were Canadians after all.
The host of the little video, called upon everyone watching to join their movement and to stop our governments (both provincial and federal) from keeping us prisoners.  Prisoners, really?  I'm sure many people in actual prison would love to be home rather than where they are.

Yes the pandemic is getting to me, it is affecting me, I know that.  I also know, as kindly pointed out by the Husband, that this time of year is always rough for me.  I'm tired of having to wear a mask, to not hear properly when talked to (because of the darn mask or partition), to not be able to go to a restaurant and have a bite to eat with a friend, to just go to a mall for a stroll, all that is affecting me, but also I'm aware of the fact that there is something making people sick out there, and it is (might be) better for all to refrain from getting together too much. People died (are dying) because of this, so why not try to put the odds on our side, and try to avoid it... just 'saying. 

Earlier Hubby and I watched the new Disney movie "Raya and the Last Dragon" - I liked it.  The animation is really good, and the story is a Disney one, so...  The Druun are a threat humanity must fight to survive.  Fight as a united front, imagine that. Anyway...

I've been itching to get a fur ball... It will be eight years in June (the 21st) that we buried Tobi.  We often talk about him still, and remember things he did, etc.  A coworker of the Husband got himself a big Main Coon, a real cutie, but that much fur is a real turn-off.   I don't want a hairless cat neither; they are said to be really affectionate, but I think they only tolerate people near them to warm them up!  Anyway, between the two of us we shed a lot already.  Last week, since it was a gorgeous and warm week, I went on a walk with a friend, and again it triggered that thought that having a pooch would force me to go out for its daily walks.  The Husband thinks its ridiculous that I need a pooch to do that, and yet, I know myself, that little incentive would get me out of the house.  When we had Cathy, I went out daily with her for the short time we had her with us - from April to November 2006 - it did me good on many levels.  I want that feeling back, that unconditional love only a pet can provide.  I guess I'll have to start working on the Husband.  I was willing to wait for the next house, but the way things are going who knows when that will be, so... 

Yeah, we've been talking about moving again.  Condo life really isn't for us.  The market is red hot for sellers, but for buyers, yikes!  We've looked around some.  Even did some drives to look at different areas, cities.  We were thinking a cottage not far from the train, since the Husband still goes to town.  We did a tour of one house, in St-Jérôme (the end of the line for the train). I fell in love with the house, new construction.  The light in there was gorgeous, and there was nothing that bothered neither one of us about the place.  That is, except the price!  We'd have to buy the land and build the house... and in doing so, we would increase our mortgage, which is not our plan, since we would be moving further from the city to spend (hopefully!) a little less and reduce said mortgage.  When I talked with the Sales Rep and she did some calculation, etc. and told me the price, I was a little speechless...  like 250K over our "budget" - not in our price range at all.  I kept looking, and let's just say it wasn't that inspiring. We don't do renovation, so it has to be new, or a complete strip down and rebuilt.  We're not there, mentally, so...

For now, we will concentrate our efforts on getting the FIL damn house sold, get all his shit organized and then I'll get myself a dog, and then maybe at some point, life will return to some kind of normalcy.

One can hope, right? Right!  Glad you agree with me!  Until then, stay safe!

Already in Week 2

Most of my Christmas decorations are down... still have a few things here and there and in all honesty I don't know where I should be storing them, getting new stuff wasn't a good idea when it comes to putting it away afterwards!

In other news my eyes are still bad.

I've made an appointment with an eye doctor, maybe he'll figure something out that will actually help...  Everyone I told I was allergic to winter, looked at me funny, but whenever (which is basically daily for the past week!) I take an antihistamine, the itchiness goes away (at least that helps!), but the red streaks and puffy bags are still there, no matter the cream I use.  Some seem to help more than others, but so very little... makes for interesting questions and looks, that's for sure!


It is our condo association's year end, and since I'm the one taking care of the books I've called a mini meeting for the three administrators we are.  There isn't really much that needs to take care of, except when something breaks, like the gutter and now preparing the budget for this coming year.  Our lovely government wants to pass a new Bill - Bill 141 - which is for co-owners to also have a Self Insurance Funds which will cover our highest deductible on the Condo's Insurance.   Going through our insurance policy, for water damages our deductible is 25K!!  Yep, you read correctly, we are insured but our deductible is $25,000 - I've been reading up on this, and we basically have two years to accumulate this new Funds... I can't wait to explain this to our co-owners who complain about the condo fees being high already... should be fun!

This time of year sucks all my energy and will to do anything.

Yep, that about sums it up!

Recovering or improving?!

I don't know if it is the time of year or what, but I've been feeling somewhat blah.  Granted I had a few rough days with the bad toothache, and then sore neck and messed up jaw, but at the same time I'm thinking pain is one of the constant in my life so why the blah feeling... I do know that I`m noticing some stuff around me, and even if I try hard to let it go and not care I still see that I do care and have some fears attached to it all.

Working on oneself brings out many questions, and also some answers.  Some of these answers are not always pretty or even gentle.  Not always easy work.  I'm assuming and hoping it will all pay off in the end, and even before that,  as I see some of the benefits already, but man at times I just feel like giving it all up.

Being alone is not always easy possible, especially when one in happily married and sharing everything with a beloved.  I am lucky enough to have the pleasure of working from home, so I'm home alone during the day almost every work day, and I wouldn't change that for the world.  That being said, when the husband gets home, after his day outside the home, he often feels like talking... that is when it could get complicated, but having the great hubby I do have, it is not.  He respects my silence, and I love him for that (among other things).

I know people's perception of me are only that, the way they see me.  It doesn't mean it is the way I truly am. I know better, when it comes to me that is.  I've learned to refrain from offering free views or opinions about many things.  Most often people ask something but don't care for the answer or get upset when you tell them something they don't want to hear.

I'm done.  I'm not really getting wiser I'm just plain and simple tired.  I guess my half of century of living is starting to rear its ugly head... it is catching up to me.  I'm not even sure it upsets me.  I'm just keeping it real, I guess...

SSDD*

Not much happened since I last posted here... The insurance haven't been by yet, waiting for the Syndic to submit their estimation before sending their appraisal person. 

Wednesday, I finally went to see our quack because my left foot still hurts.  I thought I might have broke something,  it wasn't just a bad sprained since when I walked for a while I felt like something was doing the split in my foot.  Talking with the quack, he said that where it hurts there isn't much muscle and from touching it he thought I could have a fracture so he wrote me a script for some x-rays.  Yesterday, I went for x-rays and he was right, the fifth metatarsal is broken and looks a lot like this...

... except that I don't have a cast on or anything... I called the quack's office today asking if they did get the results of my x-rays, which I have on CD for $10, and they did but, big surprise, the quack wasn't in today...  The receptionist suggested after looking at my file, not to walk on it too much.  Geez, Louise, really?

So, like I said, not much happening here...



* Same Shit Different Day

That shitty time of year again...

Since I have a tendonitis in my right shoulder, and pain is actually a daily occurrence,  I've been feeling crappy and crabby to say the least.  I've seen my osteo, which helps for a few days after treatment but the pain never truly goes away.  Last visit I had with her, she suggested to see an acupuncturist for pain management, so I contacted the little man I know.  I've seen him twice in the last two weeks, the first treatment really helped my arm's mobility, and yesterday's treatment was so painful it messed me up bad.  Today it does feel better, but I just can't wait for pain to be gone!!

To add to my shitty feelings, the weather has been crap - so fucking cold, my face looks like a shedding lizard, and this time of year is ALWAYS crap for me,  S.A.D. kicks in full blown.  Despite my "happy light" and "happy pills", there's always rougher days than others. So, when adding physical pain to it all, it's bad...

Good thing is I'm busy, between work and my postcards, I don't have time to get bored.  Between the official cards and some random act of smileness I basically get  cards on a daily base.  I love it.  Today I actually received an envelop from Gyor in Hungary from a man who lives there.  Turns out he had sent a request to join a (closed) group I manage on Bacefook for Canadian Postcrossing users, and when I saw that he was from Gyor, HU - which is the village my mother in law was from, I sent him a message asking him if he wanted to swap with me (since I wouldn't let him in the group).  We exchanged a few messages, I've sent him a card from here - which he liked and today I've received these cuties:

Baroque city of Gyor, HU

Budapest, HU

Seeing this reminds me that we WILL have to see Hungary before we're too old to travel!  Last time Hubby was there was in 1991, and I've never been, so we'll have to get our ducks in a row and go!

Today, I was informed that a member of our group (in Postcrossing Canada) is quitting.  I respect her decision, but I'm sad to see her go as she was one of the good and fun ones.   Do you ever have this feeling that things are crumbling around you, slowly?  Ever feel like the you're losing some good friends because they're moving or even worst they died? Or simply losing touch with someone you thought was closer than they actually were, since the tie broke (easily) since they had kids, or met someone new?  I hate seeing this and even more feeling it.  I know it's life, I've been around and seen it many times, doesn't mean I have to like it now, does it?

It might be time to walk away...

I've been toying with the idea of retiring or should I say doing what was the initial plan when Hubby and I created our company: to do our books and that's that.  A part of me feels guilty and don't like the idea of being a woman at home (with no kid) and feeling like I'm not pulling my weight.  Hubby has been telling me to ditch clients for months.  I did drop a few here and there, but have kept others.

We took one week off, and since I feel really overwhelmed and despite some serious efforts still not seeing the load getting lighter.  Plus to add to this yucky feeling, I'm not even doing the things I really do enjoy.  I don't have time.  I try to catch a bit here and there, spend some time with Hubby watching the shows we both like, and even that while sitting there I feel fidgety when I think that I should be invoicing or doing some bank reconciliation for a client or another.  It sucks!

I know it's all me.  I chose to get clients, and to keep them. It's me.  I just can't let go.  Is it only my need to feel needed, my ego for not wanting to be one of those housewives, the fact that I (guess) do care about what others think?  I don't know.  I just know that I need to get off, I'm starting to feel nauseous as I'm typing this.  I'm afraid to be lazy, even if I do know that I am, but to stop "working" would be like giving full freedom to my laziness.  I would rather be sick.  Weird to realize that I'm doing this to myself. 

I've never felt overwhelmed like I do the past few weeks.  I look at my desk, and it's a mess.  There are papers everywhere. I think I'm going to crash again, and this time I have no excuse; I see myself going, I see how I'm driving this boat and I know I'm going to crash it.  I have to do something.  I thought a week away, in the sun, would help, but I'm thinking it might have been the kick in the ass I needed to drop out.  To let go.  I've been told not to care, that as long as I'm being paid who cares what clients do.  I wish I could not care.  I do.  I've tried to turn off my emotions, like they say in vampires show, and yet, it doesn't seem to be working.  I'm no vampire, that's for dammed sure, even if I've been living at nights lately. 

I have to let go.  Something has to give and I KNOW it is me.  For my sanity, among other things.  I don't like feeling this way, so I will do something... Why do I feel like I'm about to throw up just thinking of which client I could let go of... why do I feel this lump in my throat as if it's something really scary?  I really don't like this.  It's all me.  I get that.  Now how do I pull the plug?!...

With Aloha...

I don't know about you, but I'm one who do believe in signs; you know signs that life gives you at different times that we most often choose to ignore?  Hubby tends to ignore them, since the scientific geek in him likes visible, explainable facts, none of that feeling thing.

Before we left for our vacation, our much needed time off, I had a little episode which landed me in the ER.  Hubby has been telling me to slow down, that I was heading towards a crash of some sort.  I've been dismissing him, ignoring his warnings and kept on pushing; things had to get done.  On the Wednesday before we left I was at a client.  After lunch I got myself a latte mocca and had some palpitations, which I (still) think were caused by the coffee - I don't drink coffee often - so I didn't think much of it all.

That evening, while watching TV I had some foot cramps - no biggie.  I went to bed after 1am and woke up abruptly at 3 am with a major calf cramp, it wasn't just a cramp it was a hell of a cramp!  I was in such pain, and I've experienced pain before (between knee surgeries and full contact karate to name a few) but nothing like that.  I couldn't put my foot down, it was bad.  I slowly made my way to the bathroom, felt really dizzy and nauseous. I managed to sit on the toilet, but couldn't get that damn crap to let go.  I felt cold and was all wet and felt really bad.  I tried calling Hubby twice, and was starting to get scared.  I had never felt like this before, and couldn't help but think I was having a heart attack or something of that nature.  I did manage to wake him up by the third call and also saw my face in the mirror, and I will say that I had never seen myself so damn white.  By the time Hubby got to me, I was ready to pass out.  He called 911. When the EMS arrived, they plugged me to an EKG, took my pressure, my sugar levels and everything seemed to be fine.  They suggested I'd go to the ER anyway, to make sure.  So, they strapped me to a stretcher and we made our way to the hospital. 

As soon as I came in, I was wheeled to the ER, where I had another EKG, took my pressure, and waited.  And waited to be seen by a doctor.  She came to see me at about 7am.  Took my vitals again, asked a few questions, and sent a nurse for some blood tests.  The nurse came by at about 8:30 am.  They were doing a bunch of tests, to be sure, but it looked like it might have been a stress attack more than anything else.  Supposedly, often people will think they're having a heart attack when in fact it is a stress one.  I was let go, by 10:30am with a clean bill of health.  They couldn't find anything and my heart,  etc. were all good.

During the whole time I was lying on the stretcher, I couldn't help but think of our upcoming trip, and was hoping it was nothing serious that would keep me from flying.  Hubby was with me the whole time, and was periodically telling me, that this whole thing was a sign, if one believed in those, and that I should listen. 

I hate to admit it but I think he has a point.  I just don't know how to fix it, how to address it so that I'm happy as well as him.  I understand his arguments, they all make sense.  I just have to wrap my head around it. 

On Saturday, we visited our dearly missed karate master.  I had made sure we brought flowers and a beer.  He loved to drink beer and I thought of offering him one.  I know it's weird, but I like to think that somewhere, somehow he's still around and will/did enjoy the thought.  We spent some time at the cemetery, the time it took Hubby to sip his beer sitting on the grass by our friend's resting place.  We returned to our condo and as Hubby got out of the car he found a penny on the ground.  I couldn't help to think of this - found pennies come from heaven... Like I've told Hubby, odd that he'd find a penny on the day we visited our friend, maybe our Hawaiian friend threw us a penny to let us know he was also thinking of us... no matter what that is one sign I chose not to ignore as it warms my heart just as much as the warm sun of Hawaii does my bones.

I want to break free

I've heard that song on TV and can't seem to get it out of my head.  God knows, God knows I want to break free.

I'm wondering if I can't get it out because I really do want to break free... I've been feeling tied down to my side of the business (my own doing, I know), tied down because I can't just do as I'm told by my lovely husband to ditch some clients.  Easier said than done, if you ask me.  How can I just drop a client for no other reason than I'm fed up?!  Yes it would be better to do so than crash.  I know that much.  Some people have told me (Hubby included) that I'm burnt out.  I honestly don't know if I am or if I'm just fed up of picking up other people's crap. 

I had a call today from a lady I've met two years ago at a conference in Vegas, she did mention that she too, had hit a point in her career when she decided not to deal with a certain type of clients.  You know the kind that bitches and moans about everything, especially prices, are always late submitting their papers and/or only submit some 'cause they didn't think you needed the rest?  Yeah, them people.  As I'm sitting here, I'm also looking at my clients' list.  On there I have some that I see weekly, some bi-weekly and some monthly.  The one I would see sporadically, whenever crap was about to hit their fan, I did let go of. I've been toying with the idea of letting go of another one. He just annoys me.  He never answers my emails, and when he does it's not about what I've questioned him about.  I feel like a mother always repeating the same thing over and over.  I didn't have children because I didn't want to play that game of repeating and hoping that something will stick.

Someone asked me why did I care if I charged by the hour.  I don't and I care because my time is valuable, not as a priced item but as time I'm spending trying to figure things out for them (or pooper scooping) I don't have that time to do what I like.  If I do a cost analysis, then the equation is simple: it's costing me more than I can bill or that is worth billing.

I know I have my answer; I should just drop those juice suckers and be free.  I've got to break free. I want to break free yeah.

In other news, we've been to the cemetery on Friday.   I had read that sometimes wild animals would dig up remains of buried pet if not buried deep enough.  Since we kind of had to rush, because of some workers installing a tombstone near us, I wanted to make sure that Tobi's resting place was still undisturbed. Everything was as we left it, a month ago. Already.

burn·out /ˈbərnˌout/ Physical or mental collapse caused by overwork or stress.

Hello interweb, trust you're doing well.  I'm doing good.  Not a day has gone by since we've buried our fur ball that I did not think of him.  I miss our daily routines together, how he would joined me when I was sitting on the toilet and just wait for me to grab his tail then walked away.  Every night before going to bed, when I kiss Hubby goodnight I have this urge to look for him to come to bed with me, and when I come home to hear nothing is the roughest part for me... Yep, I do miss him.

Over the weekend, a relative mentioned something about being illegal to bury a pet.  I've looked it up and in some cities around Montreal, it is forbidden. Oh well.  We didn't bury him in our back yard, since we don't have one anymore. While reading about these city by-laws, I came across an article describing how deep we should dig, etc. so that other critters don't dig the body up.  Tobi isn't buried as deep as they suggest.  I can only hope he won't be dig up by neither animals nor humans.  This is where he is resting, under the flowers, next to my father...

No, I didn't ask permission to put him there.  I just decided it would be a good spot for him.  The thought of having him thrown in the garbage (or whatever else they do with dead pets) repulsed me, so it was either cremation or burial.  I had brought the towel that was always in his carrier, so we wrapped him in it and deposited him in the hole dug by Hubby.  We covered him with earth and finished it off with the flowers.  We had to rush some in doing it, since two men were working in the row behind us.  I didn't want any trouble, and really didn't feel like explaining what we were doing there.  The flowers were the "reason" we were there.

After we were done burring him, I took out a little stamp I have and wrote his name and dates on my father's side of the tomb stone.

I don't know how long it will last, but at this point I just wanted it done, and it is.  His final resting place.  I will have to go back at some point, soon, to make sure all is good and that nothing disturbed him.

In other news, last week I think I heard one of my brain connectors (or whatever it may be called) fry.  I was at a client, and I literally saw, in my brain, something go poof and saw this little smoke filet rising.  At that exact moment I knew I was done.  I thanked my client.  She had made, for me, with her shitty work, a long due decision a reality - I needed to get out of it all.  I needed to ditch that client, as Hubby so often tells me to.  So, right then and there, I did tell her I would clean up her mess and be done with it.  I'm going back at the end of this week to hand in her papers, and that will be it for me.  For that client at least. 

I don't have the energy nor the envy to pick up other people's crap anymore. I'm done.  I feel like I just don't care anymore.  I'll do what I want and fuck the rest of them with their never ending problems.  I'm done.  I'm not overwork nor stressed I'm just done.  I'm mentally tired of being a pooper scooper, so I'll be addressing that issue one client at the time.  Should be interesting time ahead...

Interesting flashback and realization

I'm married to a geek, a computer geek, a real one, who swears by Linus and who often refers to himself as an old Unix guy.  He hates Winblows (as he refers to it) and everything related.  Because of me he has to touch Winblows - I'm a user of such evil. Lately, when sending or trying to fetch my emails I get this error message - according to my in-house geek - it's due not only to Winblows sucking big time but in reality to the fact that one of my Outlook file is too old and out of space.  So, in order to go around that pain, I have to clean up my mails.  I've been deleting a bunch of stuff  and this despite me being from the school of "Let's keep it in case I need to refer to it some day".  I started with little emails, not that important, etc.  Today I encounter that damn error again and needed to send some mails out (for clients) so I went in my Blog related emails.

I've been blogging since April 2006 - wow! time does fly when you're having fun! - this is my 1,160th post in seven years, not to shabby, if I do say so myself.  Through those years I've met some pretty interesting people, and seeing all those names while deleting a file containing all comments I've received since I started blogging was an interesting flashback.  Seeing names of  "old' readers and thinking about them, some of which are now dead (sadly enough), others just disappeared or stopped blogging it reminded me of how interesting the last seven years have been.

As I was going through them I reread the titles of many posts and realized that I have a tendency towards the dark side.  Could that be a vestige from my father?  I think so, mixed with my own...  I have what I call my "Happy Light" to help my S.A.D. especially in winter months, plus I take my daily dose of "Happy Pills" and yet there are still lots of clouds in that brain of mine.  I'm trying to remain positive and to see the bright side, and I guess looking at what I've been posting (especially lately) I'm not really succeeding, am I?

I've always thought of this blog as a place where I could express myself, tell it as I saw it.  Whatever I'm feeling is/was being reflected in my posts.  It might be depressing for some who are looking for "light and fluffy".  I'm plenty fluffy, but light I am not. If you know me in real life, you only know how true that statement is.   

I've often seen those "feel good" saying like happiness is a choice, or our powerful our thoughts are, they are I get that.  Do I apply it? Not always.  I do try though.  That being said/written, I will apply myself harder but will I not be pretending to be or feel something I'm not.  There is plenty of fake in this world without me adding to it.  Let's just hope the sun comes out from behind those clouds...