Tuesday, November 11, 2014

It might be time to walk away...

I've been toying with the idea of retiring or should I say doing what was the initial plan when Hubby and I created our company: to do our books and that's that.  A part of me feels guilty and don't like the idea of being a woman at home (with no kid) and feeling like I'm not pulling my weight.  Hubby has been telling me to ditch clients for months.  I did drop a few here and there, but have kept others.

We took one week off, and since I feel really overwhelmed and despite some serious efforts still not seeing the load getting lighter.  Plus to add to this yucky feeling, I'm not even doing the things I really do enjoy.  I don't have time.  I try to catch a bit here and there, spend some time with Hubby watching the shows we both like, and even that while sitting there I feel fidgety when I think that I should be invoicing or doing some bank reconciliation for a client or another.  It sucks!

I know it's all me.  I chose to get clients, and to keep them. It's me.  I just can't let go.  Is it only my need to feel needed, my ego for not wanting to be one of those housewives, the fact that I (guess) do care about what others think?  I don't know.  I just know that I need to get off, I'm starting to feel nauseous as I'm typing this.  I'm afraid to be lazy, even if I do know that I am, but to stop "working" would be like giving full freedom to my laziness.  I would rather be sick.  Weird to realize that I'm doing this to myself. 

I've never felt overwhelmed like I do the past few weeks.  I look at my desk, and it's a mess.  There are papers everywhere. I think I'm going to crash again, and this time I have no excuse; I see myself going, I see how I'm driving this boat and I know I'm going to crash it.  I have to do something.  I thought a week away, in the sun, would help, but I'm thinking it might have been the kick in the ass I needed to drop out.  To let go.  I've been told not to care, that as long as I'm being paid who cares what clients do.  I wish I could not care.  I do.  I've tried to turn off my emotions, like they say in vampires show, and yet, it doesn't seem to be working.  I'm no vampire, that's for dammed sure, even if I've been living at nights lately. 

I have to let go.  Something has to give and I KNOW it is me.  For my sanity, among other things.  I don't like feeling this way, so I will do something... Why do I feel like I'm about to throw up just thinking of which client I could let go of... why do I feel this lump in my throat as if it's something really scary?  I really don't like this.  It's all me.  I get that.  Now how do I pull the plug?!...

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