Un mois déjà fini...

...comme le temps passe vite lorsqu'on s'amuse, ou lorsqu'on réalise son effet sur notre quotidien.  Peu importe la raison, nous sommes à quelques heures de fermer janvier, ce premier mois de l'an 2020. 

Déjà cette nouvelle année se veut quelque peu difficile, elle nous enlève de notre monde, ces gens qui font partis de notre quotidien, de près ou de loin.  Il y a environs deux semaines, je recevais un courriel d'une copine nous informant de l'état de santé de sa mère.  En lisant son message je n'ai pu faire autrement que de réaliser, une fois de plus, que malgré tout nos efforts, nos jours sont comptés et surtout que la vie ou la mort n'épargne personne.  Mercredi soir j'écrivais à ma copine, j'ai essayé de l'encourager tout en étant réaliste car après tout sa mère allait avoir 92 ans la semaine prochaine.  Quelques minutes après lui avoir envoyé mon courriel, mon téléphone sonnait.  Sa mère était décédée.  Malgré toutes les préparations qu'on puisse faire, la nouvelle frappe.  J'avoue que d'entendre mon amie parler de sa mère, d'entendre les larmes et la douleur dans sa voix m'ont touchées.  Cette  dame toujours bien mise, acceuillante, une force silencieuse, une présence, malgré sa petite stature n'est plus.  Ce départ laissera un grand vide.  J'ose à peine imaginer celui pour ses deux enfants...

Dans un élan de tendresse (ou de folie) j'ai donné un coup de téléphone à ma mère en Floride.  Je ne lui avait pas parlé depuis le Nouvel An.  Non, nous ne sommes pas très proche, et pourtant elle vous dira que nous le sommes... Nous n'avons pas la même définition, mais bon.  Par moment je rage, et par moment je m'en fout complètement.  Je n'ai jamais été très près d'elle; comme toute bonne fille j'étais la fille de mon père (pas seulement pour son sale caractère, mais parce qu'il voulait une fille, alors que ma mère m'a toujours dit combien elle aurait aimée avoir un garçon).  Elle n'a pas eu cette chance, puisque j'étais enfant unique. 

Je viens de regarder les détails d'appels sur mon cell. le 1er janvier nous nous sommes parlés 1 minute 49 secondes et il y a deux jours 4 minutes 30 secondes.  Nous ne sommes pas trop jaseuses on dirait et pourtant, lorsque j'ai parlé à ma copine l'appel a duré plus de 30 minutes...  C'est dingue quand t'as quelques choses à raconter ou que tu ne parles pas seulement de la température...  Enfin bref.  Je sais que ma mère vieillit, que le jour de son décès je serai peinée, et malgré tout je ne peux faire semblant et dire qu'elle me manque c'est comme si je me suis déjà résignée... étrange et pourtant oh combien libérateur.

This afternoon I realized that my computer and cell weren't syncing as they should and that brought on some insecurities that I would forget things, important dates and such, things I did not use to worry about and now I do.  Not only am I relying on technology too much - I feel I should almost go back to my paper agenda - but I also know that I can NOT rely on my memory faculties as I once did, and I'm not that old yet. Fuck!  This is bad!

Two weeks ago a friend turned the big 5-0 (yeah, yeah, our friends are younger than us, sue us!) and we got to see some people we don't often.  As I was chatting with an ex client who lost a fair amount of weight, I did ask him about it, what he'd done.  He told me about this Intermittent Fasting thing he did for a while and lost over 40 pounds.  I had heard about someone else who did that and had managed to lose a fair amount of weight, so I've looked it up.  It seems fairly 'easy' especially since I'm not a breakfast person to start with and have weird sleep patterns.  I'm leaning towards:

The 16/8 method: Also called the Leangains protocol, it involves skipping breakfast and restricting your daily eating period to 8 hours, such as 1–9 p.m. Then you fast for 16 hours in between.

Actually, I nonchalantly started it, i.e. I stopped eating after 10 pm (because on Tuesday and Friday night I have my meditation class and will eat after it, since I don't want to sleep during class), and within a week I did lose some weight!  Imagine how it would be if I actually did some sport?  ah!  Dream on my friend!

Oh, yeah, also meant to share that we will be traveling back to the beautiful island of Hawaii!  We will be there to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary and our Best man and Matron of Honor will be coming too!  In seven little months!  We're already done with this month, so...

Sweet Patootie!

I had hoped that coming here I would be losing some weight.  I had a feeling I wouldn't follow WW much.  Not because I didn't want to, but because it would be different food.  I was right.  Since we've been here we've eaten differently than we do at home.  For one we don't have as much vegetables, and we live right next to this fabulous bakery where they made these extremely delicious breads. I think I've fed myself on their raisin bread (with butter) for the first ten days.  It had the better of me. 

To add to my torment, not only do Norway has great breads, they also have good chocolates. My first taste of their chocolate was on the flight from Oslo to Bodø.  I had a little milk chocolate bar, and it was deliiiiicious!  I'm not a chocolate snob like my husband who only enjoys dark ones, I loooove chocolate.

Freia has really tasty goodies

They also have good cookies, with chocolate!  I know I could NOT buy any, and then not eat any, but then again who are we fooling here?  I'm too easily tempted. And I succumb even more easier when it comes to that smooth, rich flavor, that sweetness which fills my mouth. 

During our grocery run yesterday I wanted some cookies to dip in my tea at night, and then I saw this cookie with chocolate that caught my eye because it was in French and its name.  I don't see my husband's name often on treats, so I had to get it!  Plus it does look good, no?
   

Michel et Augustin sont de Lyon, France

We've also been seeing this TV commercial where they advertise this "new" chocolate bar, Stratos, and each (yes, EACH!) time Hubby says, that's not new that's just like our Aero!  Yesterday I bought one, I will see for myself if it is just like our Aero...

I haven't tasted it yet (yet being the key word).  So, as you can see, my diet is going great!!

I will be coming back to Montréal, looking like my little Moomin... ah!

2013 by way of the alphabet

I did this last year, and since I always do a review of the year we're about to close I thought of doing it again this way.

Apron: something I started wearing one when I bake

Bowling: activity we did one night, was fun, but really a once a year thing at most.

Cold Shoulder:  what I've been getting from Hubby's cousin, don't really know why (even if I did ask)

Dermatologist: managed to see one, burned me with dried ice and didn't resolve issue. Damn Quack!

Expectation: what I still had, since some people manage to get me down... when will I learn?

Flushed: what I did to a few of my clients.  It did take a load off, somewhat.

Garage Door: after many arguments with our neighbor and discussions with the condo admin.,
we finally got an automatic door closer installed!

Henna: what I had done for Hubby's 50th... on my ass!

Idiots: those we seem to find more and more of, even without looking for them!

Jowl: reason why I'm happy not to have Richard Fish (from Ally McBeal) in my entourage

Kitchen: a place where I seem to be spending a lot less time than I used to

Las Vegas: where we celebrated on thirteenth wedding anniversary

Mother: someone I haven't seen much of lately

Neighbor: the worst one we've never experienced finally moved away!

Obscurity: what I was in when I wrote this list, due to yet another power failure

Postcrossing: what I've been spending lots of time on...

Québec: province where we live and think it might be time to move out off

Rings: what are too loose on my fingers...

Stinkypaw: what I sort of reveal to everyone on Bacefook...

Tobi: my sweet boy, I miss dearly

UVs: what I caught too many of in Punta Cana, DR

Visits: what we made too many of, especially to funeral homes

WW: what I joined and lost twenty-three pounds, before the Holidays that is!

X-Rated: what I should probably be

Yuletide: when we did a lot of "social", time of year obliged

Zoom: what 2013 did, it zoomed by!

In other news...

• we've been having yucky weather, rain, rain, rain.  We have friends who had to evacuate their house due to flooding.  It's been going one for over one week now.
• I didn't watch "the" wedding.
• I couldn't (and still can't) understand the comparaison between Lady Di and Kate... that was just weird to me.
• I wasn't a good citizen on Monday... I didn't do what was expected of me.
• dieting is a bitch!
• Tobi is losing tufts of hair... might be due to his meds.  At least he looks like he's doing ok.
• I can't believe we're already in May!
• Ben Laden... really?!
• this is my 999 posts!

You might need insuline after this sweet post.

Today is a beautiful summer day in Montréal, go figure. The weather changes so fast, it’s unreal. Yesterday almost felt like fall and today full bloom summer.

Things are good with us. We’re working, both of us, we’re both healthy, despite the excess luggage I carry, but as I told a cousin who was commenting on her weight issues, I think it would be poor judgement on our parts to diet after investing all this time and money in our bellies. I may not be an investment wizzard but I don’t like to throw away money just like that. Talk about a wasteful investment. And darn it, food is good!

Today, after meeting a client of mine I went by FB Hubby’s current client, picked him up and went for dim sum. It was nice to have a quick “dunch-late” with my husband. It actually gave us both the opportunity to bitch about misc. web monkeys (as he calls them) we’ve been dealing with for our respective clients. There’s nothing I hate more than having to rush because a client of mine forgot something. Their lack of competence then becomes my problem or rather my emergency. I dislike it so much I actually informed a client this afternoon, that because his assistant is screwing up my work, my “having to rush” to complete their reports should be charged as an “emergency call”, i.e. 1.5 my regular rate. Let’s see how this plays out…

Don’t be surprised if you don’t see me around much the rest of the week, since tomorrow is a legal Holiday in Québec, we celebrate St-Jean Baptiste Day, I’ll be heading north to my mother’s. She’s moving (again) and I’ll be a good daughter and stay with her to help her during the next few days. That should be fun. Not! She won’t get her new place before mid-July, so she’ll be staying at a campground, in her mobile home. All her stuff will be stored until then, should be an interesting move. Nothing is ever simple with my mother.

In other news, I’ve been going cuckoo with anything vampire lately. A friend had lend me “Dead Until Dark” by Charlaine Harris, and I enjoyed it so much that I ordered the whole box set, which I haven't read yet. Maybe they’re glamorizing me or something through books and screen? Don’t laugh; don’t you remember those kids in Japan having seizures because they were watching some cartoons? It could happen no?

FB Hubby isn’t too keen on these “newfangled mutant vampires” as he calls them. He liked the good old one, who couldn’t stand garlic or the sight of a cross, or the sun… Maybe it’s related to the fact that his grandfather was from Transylvania, and he grew up with a vampire model like Bela Lugosi, the original vampire… He laughed at Edward when he sparkled while we watched the movie, but he did like Bill’s explanations (in “TrueBlood”) about spreading themselves those lies like not being visible in mirrors so that when in front of one, people wouldn’t think they were vampires. No matter what, my imagination is going full blast with vampires, shape shifters etc. It’s so much fun! And to add to my excitement, the new Harry Potter movie will soon be out. I’m smiling like that dog just about now.

Yep, when the sun is out and shinning like this, life is good!

That’s all I have time for!

• Have been busy... and despite all that I did manage to keep away from trouble! Yay me!

• Have been at clients almost everyday, unusual to be around so many people. Scary.

• Monday night was invited to see Sheryl Crow’s show. Went. Worst sounding concert ever. Good thing ticket was free!

• Fighting a cold for the last six days – tiresome.

• Made arrangements for burial of ashes of mom’s beau. On our family plot. Not crazy about that idea, but letting it go…

• Put our car for sale, Monday night and might have buyer. Bringing it in for an inspection this afternoon. Wish us luck.

• Typical: open mouth, inserted foot: offered to help a friend who just opened a restaurant. She does need help. Will be working tonight.

• Haven’t been a waitress in YEARS. That will be interesting. Especially for the clients.

• Need to prepare room for Murphy Bed installation. Exciting.

• Can’t wait to go on vacations. Please. Twenty more dodos.
  

• Before that we will be Hotel for friends from CH. Yay, visitors!

• Even before that, need a good waxing.

• Huzzah for fall – long pants, my best friends!

• Feel like should get me one of those:

• Enjoying life, can you tell?
  

I could be depressed.

When I read this post from Just a grail, I couldn’t help to think that she wrote something I’ve been thinking about for a while. It’s true that when I say that I’m fat, people always come back with a line like “No, you’re not!” But I know I am.

I’m not obese, but I’m fat. I carry too much weight, that’s for sure. I realised that, unlike so many of us, I’m not a health freak nor am I focusing only on my weight. I’ve come to accept (I should write tolerate here) the image our mirrors are reflecting back at me. I’m not saying that I love what I see. It’s not that. I just don’t want to be one of those people who constantly complain about how fat they are and do nothing about it. What pisses me off is when I hear or see a small person and they talk about losing weight. Even my husband, who isn’t fat in any way, that man is fit, still would like to lose his belly. That’s what he calls it. I believe I have a gorgeous man who’s tall and firm. I’m happy with that, wish he was as well.

At times I wonder if his wanting to lose weight is his way to tell me that I should as well, but I don’t think he’d be that subtle. Not that he can’t be, he could, but not with me and not for this. I might be wrong, but I doubt it.

Remember a few weeks ago when I wrote about that friend I had not seen nor talk to in years, which confessed he liked me “back then”, that I was hot? His comment triggered something, besides the thoughts “What back then? Does that mean he thinks I don’t look good anymore?” I kind of realised that I’m aging, and in the process I’m noticing that my body is changing. Put aside the friggin’ menopause, and I still see signs. I wish they were the Mel Gibson kind, but they’re not. Age catches up to all of us, I realise that. I also know that as we age it becomes harder to lose weight, to remain firm… I know a man, in his sixties, who trains daily, his body looks good but despite all that, his face (and neck) are showing that he’s no longer a young stud. He thinks he still is, but he’s not…

So… if I recap, I’m fat and aging… nice. Really cheerful, isn’t it? Argh, where’s a big enough rock for me to crawl under? Imagine this, I feel this way and I’m not even a blond American woman. There’s no way in heck that I could be happy being a fat brunette, is there? I’d have to look tight, with shoot up lips and not a roll in sight… Geez, thank Gawd I’m Canadian!

So I'm fat...

As you may (or not) know, I’m not what one would call “small”, “fragile”, “petite”… I’m not saying that I’m huge either, but I’m “well in doubts”, but not in the boobs department! I’m not “cut” – far from it, unless a very dull knife was used! I would describe myself as “pleasantly plump”, and on certain days (most) I would say I’m fat. I have a belly. And yes I know the risk for my heart, etc. I’ve ALWAYS had a belly. No matter how much I trained or how thin I was, I had one and when I look at my mom, I know where it comes from!

As I’m aging I’m also realising that I’m somewhat growing to accept myself a little more. I’m happy about that. Of course there are things that I wish I could easily change, but I’m not really willing, nor am I ready to starve myself or be on diets. I do watch what I eat, but if I feel like chocolate I also do indulge. Hee.

Saturday we were invited to some friends for a pool party. I love to swim, but like most women out there, I’m not crazy about the swimsuit part. Saturday was a nice summer day. We were about 12 people and 3 kids. We got there late in the afternoon, but the sun was still warm. I sat with a friend and chitchatted for a while, but the pool kept calling me. So, not long after we arrived, both Hubby and I went in to put our swimsuits on. It’s not at all like I feel confident to walk around in a bathing suit – far from it. But I enjoy the water more than I care for the way I look, especially among friends...

I have the body I do at this time, because I’m too lazy to exercise more or to eat less. I know why. It’s not like I don’t know what I need to do to lose the extra padding. I’m just not willing to work at it. But unlike this chipmunk I still can easily scratch my ass!

I was actually surprised to hear one or two men present commenting on their bodies, on how fat they felt. I guess it’s not really a gender thing. No matter what sex we are, our bodies are always an issue… for something rather.

It’s sad when you think of it. We are here for what? 70, 80 years if were lucky? And we don’t enjoy the biggest part of who we are or what makes us. I think it is REALLY a sad reflection of our times...

I understand that there are days where you just don’t feel like getting your ass in a pool. I get that; especially around “that time of the month”. I do remember those days… But when I hear someone complain about his or her weight when they aren’t really over weight, that does bug me a little. Yes we all feel the way we feel about our bodies, but please!

I see it that way: you learn to accept your “roll” and deal with it, or if you really can’t bear looking at your fat ass, then do something about it! I was the fat chick at the pool and I was the only one in the water – go figure.

... but I had a great time!

I feel Fashionably Yucky

Last time I went to a swimsuit shop the only thing I really felt comfortable in was the dressing room. I started to think that “maybe” I should lose weight. The only thing that keeps me from staying on a diet is food. I love food. I often do the seafood diet: I see food and I eat it!

Who wouldn’t want to lose 20 pounds before swimsuit season? If you’ve got $5.95 there’s a magazine out there for you that can tell you how to do it. At least that’s what they pretend to from every rack at the grocery store.

Women’s magazines show touched up pictures of starved supermodels, and they pretend that is what we should look like. That is NOT perfection! The worst part is that they pretend that “that” look can be achieved without leaving the comfort of our home. Yeah sure! If their tips really worked, we’d never buy another magazine. Did you ever think about that?

Looking through magazines, I determined that if I ate what the “experts” consider the perfect diet for someone my age, height, hair colour and recycling pickup day I’d lose weight. The fact that I’d never feel like eating doesn’t have anything to do with this. I wonder if those weight-loss nuts that came up with some of these diet tips actually ever tried them? Seriously!

I know, like we all do, what I need to do to lose weight:
Step one: Get off my butt.
Step two: Move my butt.
Step three: Repeat! That’s all!

That or throw away all those magazines!

Maxine says it so well, doesn't she, when she says:

Fashion magazines are society’s way of saying “If you don’t feel inadequate already, read one of these!”

Phase Four - Step 28

My last step!!! My thought-dimension today is Social intelligence. It’s all about helping others and society in general. This should be a way for me to express my values in a positive and practical way.

In reading their examples I came to realise that this is one good habit that I do have. (I should be a little thinner than I am then!) I do help others. I help friends and family whenever I can, preparing dinner, cleaning up after a meal, and planning some events, etc.

We may not be the most ethical shoppers around; I do have the “occasional” stop at Wal-Mart (yeah! I know… but I’m cheap!) I don’t buy Fair Trade coffee (I don’t drink any!), but at Easter I chose some Fair Trade chocolate! I sponsored a few friends in their fund-raising events. I recycle old shoes, clothes, etc., and give them to a local charity.

In the last few years we’ve become more aware of the environmental issues. Just this past weekend when we were hiking, we stopped for a little break on top of the mountain and some people before us had left an empty bottle on a picnic table. Hubby took it and put it in his backpack to bring out of the woods. On our way there was some litter and we picked that up as well. He used to do that as a mountain biker as well, and he often say "Always leave the woods cleaner than whne you came in", or something like that. Neither one of us were scouts as kids, but I guess we have that "respect thing"...

We have been recycling for years, started out with papers and now we’ve expended our realm of the things we just don’t throw out like old batteries, printer cartridges, etc.

Just today I mailed to a cousin of mine a package for his kids with notebooks, pencils, an old calculator, a comic book and other things. I figured they could use it. I try to do that at least once a year with them. I’m giving something without any thought of immediate gain, simply hoping the kids will enjoy it.

I've done it!!!

Phase Four - Step 27

I’m almost done with “The No Diet Diet: Do Something Different”. Today’s step was Emotional intelligence. The idea was to re-tuned my mind so that I can spot emotions before they overwhelmed me. Just making sure that my emotions don’t run away with me.

It will hard to do today, but it is something that I will be trying to do daily from now on:

I will label emotions. I will try to define the emotions that others feel around me and react accordingly. I will have to look beyond their words for deeper meanings, not take literally what people say, but to really consider what they might feel.

I will try to take the emotions out of context. When I’ll feel an emotion building up inside, I’ll try to not react (that might be hard!) or to do it differently, with a different emotion. I will choose an alternative way of feeling either with someone or in a situation.

I will not explode and not only express my negative emotions. This is making me realise that I may not express my positive emotions as much as I should. I was brought up that way: when there’s something wrong you let people know about it, and if nothing is said then everything must be ok. Not much positive reinforcement, is there? I can change that. I’m trying. That’s the important thing.

Phase Four - Step 24, 25 &26

Phase Four – Step 24

That day’s thought dimension was: Balance.

Balance in making sure that every aspect of my life gets its appropriate share of care & attention in order to get the maximum out of life’s rewards. The exercises were to make me realise how much (or little) I care for a person in my life. I needed to behave in ways that would enhance balance.

I had chosen Hubby as my person for the day. In trying to put it into practice I realised that my relation with hubby is pretty well balanced, at least I think so. I’ve been evaluating the importance he has and I’m satisfied from what I gain from this relationship. We spend time together, and we make a point every day to laugh together. Overall we have a good, balanced, relationship.

I thought of re-establishing a lost friendship that once meant a lot to me, but I also realised that at this point in time, I would not be willing to give it the attention and nurturing it would need to be re-established.

My chosen situation was to set a limit of time on how long I watch TV and to do something physical with hubby instead with that extra time.

Reflecting on what I did and its effect I noticed that despite what I may think (at times) I have a well-balanced life. I feel good about it. I need more patience than I do balance…

---

Phase Four – Step 25

Today’s thought dimension was: Fearlessness

When I first read that I wondered what I would have to do. They only meant that I would have to act without nervousness. To show a willingness to go outside my comfort zone, by doing something I would normally avoid because it would make me feel uncomfortable. I needed to put myself in a situation that causes me anxiety and to interact with a person who causes me fear.

I tried tackling a phobia of mine: spiders. While I was emptying Tobi’s litter box there was this big “Mother Tucker” spider in a corner. I took a few breaths and tried to spoon it out of there. It was big, with a thick body and quite fast. I didn’t know what to do with it – my natural instinct was telling me to squish it. I was turning the scooper over and over, with goose bumps all over, when Hubby came in the room. He laughed and said : “Trying to face your fear”. That’s when I dropped it… and Hubby killed it. …So much for that task…

Throughout the day I’ve been thinking about my task for the day and how to apply it to other situation. It wasn’t an easy task. I will keep it in mind. I want to extend the boundaries of my comfort zone. In the past I have lacked fearlessness in dealing with my mother in-law and it has affected my life in not so positive ways. I didn’t take action over the situation because I didn’t want to make it worst then it was and also out of respect for my husband. I tend to be more of a “confrontational” type; when something doesn’t work I do something about it. I did try to “fix” it (on more than one occasion) with her, but to no avail.

I can only be responsible for my actions or lack of. I will aim to push my boundaries, to operate outside my comfort zone and to face up what I’ve been avoiding.

---

Step 26

The thought-dimension for that day was: Conscience

I didn't follow the book's intructions as well as for the other steps. I know the difference between right and wrong and how to act on it. And, I do listen to my conscience, regardless of it being convenient or not.

I tend not to compromise myself too much for short-term gain. I try, as much as possible, not to tell lies (starting with myself!). I treat others with respect simply because I was brought up that way AND because I want to be treated the same way.

As for applying it to a chosen situation, I was "aware" of it when we stop at a little road stand to buy our first fresh, filled with sun and sweetnest, strawberries of the season. After being in the woods, hiking, for a few hours we were making our way home when we decided to go see what they had. We tasted one, and decided to buy some... probably too many, but they are sooo good!

Phase Four: Step 23

Today's thought dimension was Awareness.

My chosen person was: Cathy, the pooch. (Yeah ok! She's not a person, but I thought it'd be good for me (in some strange way!)

I had to list 10 new things of which I became aware about the pooch:

1. her hearing is gone,
   
2. as well as her sense of smells
   
3. and her eye-sight.
   
4. She wags her tail a lot more since we got her a week ago.
   
5. Her spirits seemed to have lift up a little.
   
6. She's expended her walking circle in the lawn to a wider one, and she manages to stay within the limits, even if she's pushing it a bit, at times.
   
7. She still has her "character" (she gives you a look when told no - really funny to see!).
   
8. When she walks around outside, she doesn't make those noises as when she's inside.
   
9. Has a little more "spring" in her steps, and
   
10. she loves to face the wind and smell the air (even if it's Pierrefonds' stink at times!)

My chosen environment was: our front lawn, since I spend so much time there, waiting for the pooch to do her business.

I also had to list 10 new things of which I became aware of:

1. there's not much noises out there at 6:45 am,
   
2. whatever pieces of earth they pulled out (the lawn guys) for the aeration look a lot like Cathy's little poops
3. I love to hear the wind rustling through the leaves of a neighbour's tree
4. Cathy holds herself up on her front paws when doing her business...
5. people smile at me when they see the pooch
6. there's lots of birds chirping around here
7. we can really hear the noises from the boulevard from our place
8. there's new kinds of weeds in our grass, since the city doesn't allow chemicals anymore...
9. a neighbour is re-doing part of his driveway
10. we should probably water our lawn, some time soon...

I don't think the dog realised or reacted to my "enhanced" awareness, but it felt good to see that she's livelier than a week ago. This morning while I was still in bed, she would come around and get up on the side, so I started asking her what she wanted and she started barking (scared the daylight out of the cat!) and got all excited. That felt good.

In doing the second part of the task I can see that in acting this way (i.e. being more aware) I'll get to enjoy the moment more as well as the little things.

Phase Four – Step 22

I read the preparation part of Phase Four, which is all about Targeting Transformation.

According to the authors I should have lost some weight by now, I think I might. I feel “softer” and some clothes are a bit looser.

Phase Four is the stage where I should finally get to kill off my worst habits & become more flexible. It seems that certain habits have been keeping me fat, and by doing all these steps I’m slowly breaking my “habitweb”. I am now at this point where I can begin to unravel the habits that control how I think. That sounds a little scary. I know that I’m capable of change and that I can break some habits, I’ve already proven that to myself with the previous 21 steps.

For the next week, each day, I will be asked to:

• Behave differently towards a person
• React differently to a situation.

While I’m carrying out these tasks, it will be important for me to think about why I’m doing them. I will have to be fully conscious and aware of what I’m doing. Each day I will have to take a few minutes about a different thought-dimension (a way of thinking that underlies my behaviour). I hope it’s not as difficult as it sounds...

There are seven key thought-dimensions that I have to use over the next week:

1. Self-responsibility (or accountability),
   
2. Awareness,
   
3. Fearlessness,
   
4. Balance,
5. Conscience,
   
6. Emotional intelligence and
   
7. Social intelligence.

I draw a list of six people I expect to interact with over the coming week, as well as a list of six situations in which I’d like to apply different thought-dimensions. Each day I will have to take a different thought-dimension and apply it to how I interact with one of the people I listed as well as applying it to one of the situations.

The book will tell me which thought-dimension to apply for the day and I get to choose the person and to put it in practice. Then I'll have to choose a situation and put it into practice as well. Should be interesting... for lack of a better word!

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Today’s thought-dimension is Self-responsibility.

My chosen person was: My mother in-law.

I put it into practice by sending her a birthday card. I'll keep my fingers crossed on how she will react. I only sign the card, not Hubby (he didn't want to). I wanted to do it and in a way stop blaming her for things not working out between us, trying to do something to change this crazy situation we're in. It might help.

My chosen situation was: Asking for help.

Instead of getting frustrated about trying to find a book (at Chapter's), by myself, I decided to ask a sales person. I've been known to be pretty "sharped tongue" with them at times, especially the ones that look at me like a deer looking at at car in the middle on the highway, I have a REALLY hard time with the "blank looks". So, I did look for the book myself (I was looking for David Suzuki's Autobiography, in English), but could only find it in French, so... I bit the bullet and asked a young girl. She looked into their database and they were supposed to have 6 in store. Another girl came by and told her that last night she "couldn't find any. They must be in order or something". The first girl asked me to follow her and brought me back to the section I had already gone through. Normally, but this time, I would start to be a little impatient. She kept on looking and Eureka! she found one! And I remained patient and didn't blame the kids for their lack of interest or anything, I asked for help and it paid off!

I feel nervous about mailing my mother in-law a birthday card, since I really don't know how she will react. The only benefice I see about doing that is that it "may" help our relationship (!? - One can still hope, no? Even after 13 years...). I felt good about remaining calm and polite, at the book store. The other benefits I see in acting this way is that I will do someting to change (a situation or how I behave) instead of blaming others. I know that the way I react to things is largely because of the way I was brought up, my past. I accept that, I will learn for it and it's time to move on!

Phase Three – Step 20 & 21

Being at a client all day (a long day), I thought it would be a great occasion to do my “people” task of listening. I would be around people so would have more of an occasion to break some habits…

Well it didn’t really go quite as I had planned. That office is full of guys, or I should say "shy guys". They barely say hi to me, but their faces do light up when they see me come in with a bunch of frozen meals for them (at least there’s that!). Nobody really spoke to me, besides the owner. I tried to do my task, by listening to what he would say. At one point I wasn’t concentrating 100% on what he was explaining, because after 10 hours of being there, I had basically reached my threshold, but at least I was aware of it. I did listen, and at some point where I would have normally “lose it”, I kept fairly calm.

Is it just I, or is it frustrating to have a computer that takes longer to refresh than if I was to write things by hand? I hate things that don’t work properly, no matter how much I might try to change the way I think, it sucks!

On a happier note, when I got home, the pooch was so happy to see me! It was cute to see how excited she got! She was jumping around and wagging like there’s no tomorrow. Hubby had been home for a few hours and was happy to let me know that no “accident” occurred while we were off earning a living, and that he didn’t get "such" a welcome when he came home. That felt good, and made me forget my frustrations of the day!

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Today was my last day of Phase Three. The last “people” task I chose (anyway, didn’t really have a choice at this point, had to do 5 out of the 6) to do was find out . I was to take the trouble of finding out something new about a person, or to discover why my friends like you, or uncover a way of improving myself.

I “sort of” did it… This morning I had an appointment with an ear, nose & throat doctor (I might have sleep apnoea, need to do some tests). The wall behind his desk was full of diplomas, so I started asking him questions about all the letters after the traditional “m.d.” He explained it and I could see that he was amused by my questions, but he did answer me very nicely.

I also had one more extra task, which I also did. Actually I’ve done more than one.
The first one I’ve done today was to get up at a different time. Since last Wednesday night – when we brought the pooch over – I’ve been getting up with the pooch. And let’s just say that she’s an early bird!

In their (the authors) list of new things to try I realised that I also did: Throw something away that I don’t need – didn’t really throw it away, I'm giving it to charity, which I think is a much better option, don’t you think?

Tomorrow I will attack Phase Four!

Phase Three: Step 18 & 19

Yesterday’s task was fairly easy to do. I had decided early on that Saturday was going to be my people task of give.

We were having a garage sale, and we didn’t have lots of furniture to sell (besides my grand mother’s old Singer’s sewing machine), the rest was just “overflow”, as we call it. Things we simply had too many of. Since the weather wasn’t that great to start with, we wanted to get rid of our things. We had decided before hand, that whatever didn’t sell we would give to charity. Having to deal with people all day went much better than anticipated, for me anyway. I’m sure I’ve met some of my "people’s tasks" throughout the day. I listen to some telling me their life stories, I help some carry things to their cars and I gave.

This old Asian couple came by early on. They spoke neither French nor English. The first thing the old man spotted was a pair of ski mitts. Hubby said .25¢. That is when I realised that they didn’t understand our money currencies, either. They didn’t know what .25¢ was. So I took one out and showed them. Then they both got all excited. They bought a big suitcase (that I had bought for the sole purpose to put my wedding dress for our wedding in Hawaii) and basically filled it in. The old lady was funny and excited, picking up little things. I gave them a few things. They left with their new luggage full, and the old man with a winter coat on, despite the heat & humidity! They were a cute couple.

This grand pa and his grand daughter came and walked around for a while – lots of knick-knacks to look at. We had our patio table full of towels, all sizes but mostly beach ones. The old man started telling me how his earring wasn’t was it used to be, and how his wife loved to sew. His wife would cut them into smaller pieces and make rags out of them (I listened!). He wanted to buy the whole lot of towels (over 12) and wanted a good price. I don’t negotiate much (normally) but yesterday I did (for some strange reason!). We agreed on a price and I packed the bunch of them in a big garbage bag and off they were.

Overall it wasn’t a great garage sale (we made about $200.00), but we managed to sell some of the things we really wanted to get rid of like our ping-pong table, an old a/c, a bunch of bed sheets, and lots of other things.

As far as I'm converned it was a good day, where I was aware of my daily task and then some!

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Phase Three – Step 19

Today I chose my task to be a “doing” one: Activity.

Since I had to get up early to bring to pooch out, and while I waited for her to do her business, I couldn’t help to think that it was going to be a “glorious” day (yeah, yeah! That’s what I thought!), so I told hubby that we should go for a hike in Oka. We had a quick breakfast, packed a few things and off we went.

What I thought would be one hour or so walk, turned out a bit longer. We were gone for 4 hours! It was such a really nice day. By the time we left the park, there was a line-up, to get in the park, of more than 2 km and it was only 12:30.

We got home, took pooch out for a pee break, then we were off again to run some errands (groceries, good food for the pooch*, rent some movies) then headed home.

Today I really did something different. I normally walk this much on vacation, like in Greece when we walked everywhere. When we got back home I felt exhausted afterwards, and that felt good! That was an interesting way of enjoying spending time out, doing an activity in nature, with no other purpose but to be outside.

* I’ve realised that I’ve became a pet food snob. I want the good stuff for those furry things. Now I’m just hoping that she’ll like her new food!?!

Phase Three: Step 17

Today I decided that I would do one of my "doing" task.

Since I had to prepare some food for a client, I prepared everything standing. To stand was one of the "doing" tasks. Often when I cook, a big batch, I will sit at the table while chopping the ingredients. Today I stood. I don't really think it changed my viewpoint or anything, but keeping busy while I stood surely made it easier than just standing there looking at the time go by! The "stand" task wasn't even one I was considering to do, and yet I'm done with my daily task!

Since I have to wait for the food to be ready, I will also take care of one of my extra task. I will be making a list about the good points of my partner. I "think" it should be fairly easy.... I love the man!

Phase Three: Step 16

For today the task I chose to do was a “people” task and it was to help. I was to do something, to offer my assistance or to be useful to someone or a living creature.

I took Cathy to the vet to have her nails clipped. While sitting in the waiting area, a lady came in asking if she could bring her cat right in the examination room. When they called her in, she went outside and her son came back with the cat wrapped in a blanket that was literally howling. Its cries sounded so sad and painful. They rushed by me and went in directly. I had to look away and take a few deep breaths as I sadly realised that my next visit to the vet will most likely be to have Cathy put down. A wave of emotions came over me, as I sat there looking at people with their pets, I almost broke down in tears. That thought was too much for me at that moment.

When the technician came back with Cathy she was trembling so much that I felt really bad about having brought her there. I took pity on her for prolonging her life that way. I know that her life with me will be a short one. At least I’m hoping it will be. I really don’t want her to suffer. I want her to finish her life the way that she lived it: happy, loved and well taken care of.

Today was her first full day with us. She is lost; it shows in the way the wanders around, non-stop when she's not sleeping. She had 2 “accidents” in the house, even if I brought her out every time she woke up. The second one was right after we came back in. I didn’t reprimand her since I know her state of “awareness” isn’t what it used to be and she’s totally disoriented.

I will help her to go in a peaceful way, or at least I'm hoping that I will help.

Phase Three: Step 15

This phase will be challenging, I think. Unlike the previous phase there was a whole chapter to prepare for Phase Three. This [hase is all about changing my habits and doing things differently.

I had to do some little tests in order to see what my "people habits" were as well as my "doing habits". In the People habits I scored in the medium, like most people I have a range of habits relating to how I view others and how I behave towards them. In the Doing habits I had a low score, which appears to mean that I don't have too many bad thinking habits in relation to doing things.

So, for the next week I will have to do: 2 "Doing" days and 5 "People" days PLUS 2 other tasks.

On People Days I have to either: listen, ask, give, new, find out or help.
On Doing Days I have to choose between the following tasks: walk, create, activity, learn, stand or change.

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I chose to do one of my "People" task today: Ask

Earlier I called my mom and told her not to have her pooch put down. We would drive up to her place and pick Cathy (the pooch) up and bring her home with us. I couldn't bare the thought of having her put down because of the move. She did not deserve to die that way.

I've been thinking about this all day, and not to mention the fact that this idea has been going around in my head for a while now. I really don't want to freak out my cat, which always lived alone, in this house. In the last 11 years Tobi slept away from home only once, when he was hospitalised.

Whenever I would ask hubby if I/we were doing the right thing he would always tell me that it was up to me to decide. If I wanted to take the dog in, we would. But the final decision was mine to make.

So, earlier I called a friend and asked her what she taught of the situation. I already knew she's an animal lover, but I also think that she's a responsible person. We talked for a while and she made some suggestions about the two (cat & dog) pets interaction. She gave me the little bit of reassuring I needed (Thanks Mu!), so when hubby gets back from work, we will drive up to my mother's and bring the pooch home. Our home will become her nursing home and I can only hope that the time she will spend with us will be happy and peaceful. That's all I want to give her.

So, that was my first task completed in Phase Three, and it actually felt very good to ask!

Phase Two: Step 14

Yesterday's task was trying to be more (or less) conventional.*

Where do I stand on this one? I feel like I’ve been saying the same thing over and over since I started Phase Two. The way I dress could be considered “conventional”, but then my hair not so much. At the moment I have this 2-tone hair color. The top is red and the bottom is black. Not really traditional, and I like to change my hair often. Like I keep telling people who comment on how often I change my hair (cut and/or color) “I can’t change my face this easy, so I change what I can!”

My behavior isn't also always conventional - I've been known to shock (or at lest surprised)at times. I know I do stand out from the crowd and at other I simply fit in.

The options they suggested in the book aren't really helping, it just brings one more questions/confusion. Because my hair is so short it would be difficult to do my hair in a more “normal” way than its usual spiky look. In order to try to be more conventional, should I remove my toe ring? As for trying on different looks when it comes to clothes, every time I go shopping lately I feel confused. Not young enough to wear certain things and yet not old enough to wear others. I don’t want to look like the Sylvia Fine, the Nanny’s mother (Fran Drescher), that dressed just way too…too… just too! Or like my mother who I always thought dressed too old for her age.

I'm stuck again!

It has been two weeks since I started the No Diet Diet and according to its authors I should have lost a few pounds by now. Dunno! Don’t have a scale!

I must say that I have noticed some little changes. I feel better, in my head, and I feel like I’m a “little” more tolerant (LITTLE being the key word here!)...

Most importantly I’ve noticed that my diet/eating has been improving on its own, without me starving or craving certain things. I haven’t change or deprived myself of anything I felt like and I am not even really watching what I eat.

It’s almost as if before I do/eat something I stop and think of how I could change that. Am I doing this out of habit or because I want/need to? It’s seems to be working. I’m simply more aware or at least it feels that way. I’m just not hungry, it’s weird.

I guess overall I feel happier, less anxious and more content with life. Just for that, the past 2 weeks have been worth it!

Let's move on to Phase Three!

* Just thought of something about not being too conventional, not wanting kids is surely pretty high on that list, no? hi! hi! hi!