Wednesday, April 17, 2019

Twenty Years Already...

Twenty years ago the world as I knew it changed.  It was a somewhat expected change, but even then it was a surprise, not a welcome one that is for certain.

Twenty years later not a day goes by without me thinking of that day, of him.  I still miss him.  It saddens me when I realize that I've forgotten how his voice sounded or how he smelled...

Twenty years and I still think that he did what was right for him.  I have not change my mind about that.  He saw no other way to feel better, and I (still) respect his decision.  I believe it was his to make.

On this date, twenty years ago my only regret is not having told you how much I loved you.  I truly hope you knew that, Dad, and wherever you may have ended up my wish for you is that you have found the peace you were so seeking.

Friday, January 25, 2019

Life is so fragile...

When you're young you don't think much about life and death. At least, you shouldn't... Kids should be busy enjoying life. As we grow older, we become a little more aware... Some of us are luckier than others and don't have to face or even think about death until way later in life.  Not all of us are so lucky.  I've had to face the fact that people died at quite a young age.  The first dead person I remember seeing in a coffin, was a neighbor of ours, Clifford.  I was five years old or so.  Then it was my grand father, on my mother's side.  I held him as he took his last breath... I was twelve or so...  and then there were too many to enumerate... Yep, death has been quite present in my life.  Some death affected or marked me more than others, for whatever reasons from how unexpected it was to how much pain was present, the violence of it all, but no matter, death always has this effect of disturbing us.  The sudden ones are never really welcome, unlike the ones which comes almost as a relief.  When a person is suffering, death can be a consolation, not only for the person in pain but for those around them.  When it happens quickly, I find it shakes our foundation more, it's forcing us to face the fact that life is so fragile, and can flip in a moment.

The first time I realized that was on 9-11, as I watched that second plane hit that tower, I remember thinking : "Life as we know it is gone..."  I knew deep in me that things were going to change and not really for the best.  (OK on that one I never thought things were going to get so fucked up as having Trump as President but I was afraid of Bush and expected the worst...)  Then a few years back, one of my karate instructor and friend, died suddenly and it shook me up.  I, once again, was faced with the fact that I, too, could die like this.  We often hear or read about living in the moment, enjoying the moment, to put our fucking phones down and to pay attention to the people around us, etc.  Many of us don't do it.  We're too busy, too important, or worst we think we'll have time later!  That's our biggest mistake I think.

This is not the first time I'm learning of a friend's passing through Bacefook.  This afternoon, it was a post from the daughter of a friend that caught me off guard.  It actually blew my mind away when I first read her post, and when I followed her link to the obituary it did me in.  Our friend, her father, had passed away the night before... He was 56... One year older than Hubby...  As I'm writing this parts of me still can't wrap my head around the fact that just before Christmas his wife and I were texting that famous ''Let's get together soon''.  Of course life got the better of us and we didn't... and now I'll be seeing him, in a coffin, on Sunday.  How fucked up is that?

Life is beautiful, but it is also short and goes by so very fast.  Life is fragile and we don't have time, so enjoy it. Now.  Life has one certainty: death.  And death has no prejudice, preference or anything of the sort.  That is the one justice in this world.  No matter your color, faith, sex, poor or rich, death does not discriminate, we're all the same.

I've lost a friend today.  He was a good man, and I liked him, and this even if we didn't get together that often.  I knew he was there. 

He's not there anymore...

May you rest in peace, Michael.

Monday, December 31, 2018

Eight Posts This Year! Woohoo!

Would you look at this, it looks like I went all out this past year with eight posts.  Man, we are a long way from me writing a post almost daily to now writing a post every now and then.  Thinking back to my blogging days I will say this, I sure had fun and met some pretty cool people through those years.  I was even lucky enough to actually meet with one IRL.

Things did get messed up by the arrival of Bacefook and company.  A bunch of bloggers went on to Bacefook and that was the beginning of the end.  I will admit to getting hooked on Bacefook.  I started slow but when I created that Postcrossing group and became more active with Postcrossing that was my turning point.  Like I did in blogging, I did meet some interesting folks and many more than through blogging, but because of the group I've also seen the ugliness of little cliques. 

People in groups can be mean, to say the least.  There were cliques too in blogging, but I never felt that it was personal really. It was more like you'd prefer the writing style of this person, the humor of that one, but it didn't feel personal.  On Bacefook, it often feels personal.  It actually reminds me of high school.  I would lie to say I had it easy in high school; some parts were pretty rough, but I always managed to make a few friends and plow through.  I find that on Bacefook,  if someone doesn't like you or if they assume you're this way or that way, and they want to foul things up for you, they can.  It is (almost) scary at times.  I've told a few people they could leave the group (I manage) if they didn't like me; some did and others I took out myself.  Managing it all can be stressful at times, but I do enjoy it.   I think I have a good bunch.  Some, like on here, are only lurkers.  That's fine I respect that.  Not everyone cares to be out in the open, to express themselves or to share.  For some it is simply due to the fact that they are technically challenge; for others they might be too shy.  Whatever, it's all good!  It's been going good for the last few months, and I'm happy about it.

Can you believe 2018 is coming to an end? I can't! It feels like not that long ago I was celebrating its arrival in beautiful Hawai'i and now we're about to close it but this time from our home... 2018 has been a somewhat challenging year.  Health wise, both Hubby and I were good.  We had colds, pains, Hubby even had a little bout of Shingles, but overall we were good.  Work wise,  Hubby had to make some decisions and only time will tell how those turn out.  I, in this new year, will have to make some as well.  Time for me to review and decide what I want to do and how to pursue it. Friendship wise I've faced some disappointments.  I've been hurt but someone I thought of as a friend.  I've worked on forgetting about it all, and concentrate on others who are there and have been there for many years.  Not always easy to deal with unknowns, and for me this is I think the hardest:  the "not knowing" part, the reason why.  I'm learning to let go.  I'm growing up (or old!) I guess.  Family wise well... that is something on itself.  As time goes by, I'm more and more convince that blood is not thicker than water.  Family is what we decide it to be. 

For this new year coming I don't have many expectations.  I don't watch the news, so I have no clue what Trump and cie are messing up, how bad the climate is (other than when I can see around it, and let's be honest, it IS fucked up!), or how things are going in general.  I keep to myself as much as possible, trying to fly under the radar - yes, that is very selfish of me, and I assume it completely! - I do my things, try to avoid conflicts, and find refuge in our comfortable home.  I haven't done New Year's Resolutions in years, and I'm not about to start again.  I'm resolute in trying to do my best daily, how's that?

In closing, here's my wish for you:

May this new year ahead be filled with 
less stress,
genuine friendships,
more laughter,
no drama,
lots of health, 
time to enjoy it all!

All the best xox

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Post Christmas Blues

Ok, so, Christmas is over.  Already.  All this preparation for one day.  Each year, despite me loving this holiday, I can't help but think it is crazy to put out all these decorations, spend all this money not only on gifts, but on food, clothing, etc. for one day!  It's crazy when you really think about it.

We celebrated Christmas' Eve with Hubby's side of the family, at a cousin's.  It was a pleasant evening; good food, good talks, good company, the kids seemed happy with the gifts, so overall a pleasant evening. Today we (Hubby and I) did sweet nothing but watched TV (finished watching "Bad Blood" - watch it if you can, a series about local (as in Montréal) Mafia), also watched a few movies; we took it easy and enjoyed our time alone.  Spoke with my mom, she called from Florida.  Christmas isn't what it used to be... I have very fond memories of past Christmas, as a kid, and even older.  It used to be a fun (but stressful) time.  We got to see relatives that often we only saw at that time of year.  Now that my mom does the Snow Bird thing, we don't really do anything with on her side of the family.  It's a shame really but since they all live far away (as in six+ hours from here) we don't visit often and we all have our families, so it is what it is.

This year again, I kept true to myself and sent many Christmas cards, and got many back as well.  Between the cards I got through Postcrossing and those from friends and relatives I almost filled up both my doors, check it out!

I will be sad to take down the lights... I love how everything looks with Christmas lights, not only indoor but outside too.  It makes everything prettier...

We've had a few parties leading to Christmas, starting with my birthday one month before.  Had invited a bunch of friends over, played games and spent a few hours together which was nice.   One of the parties we had was for my meditation group.  That is always a fun night.  We do a big pot luck and a gifts exchange.  It is not really a dance party or anything of the sort, but more a fun night among people sharing an activity together and getting together for Christmas.  This year, I had made thirty of these Santa sleighs, as a gift for each member.  They came out really nice and were well received.

I think the worst party this year, was Hubby's company.  After being there a few hours I left him there and went back to our room.  He had reserved a room at a hotel nearby (thankfully!)  and that was great; I could escape and he didn't have to drive back so he could party on...  Corporate parties are often a bore for the spouses, and that one sure was!  For me at least!

I've been thinking about this past year overall, and I won't be too sad to see it end... it's been an interesting year to say the least.  A few things have changed, hopefully for the better (time will tell!), some friendships were lost, new ones were created, and who knows what the future holds... One thing for sure, time is flying by and before I know it I will be taking down my Christmas decorations and feel a little sad... I'm most likely to have the Post-Christmas Blues... not because of what I've spent, but because the most wonderful time of the year is now over...


Monday, October 08, 2018

Argh! Turkey. Elections. Did I say Argh?

I can't believe we are already in October; that today is our (as in, us, Canadians) Thanksgiving. 

I don't know about you, or if it is a French vs English thing, but Thanksgiving was never a big thing for us.  It was basically a day off.  We didn't do the turkey (that is a Christmas thing for me), we didn't give thanks, and we didn't even really get together as such...  It was more like the last day off before the Christmas break.  Since I've been exposed more to the English side of things, I've come to realize that more people might celebrate that day.  Nothing like our neighbors the Americans though., but still.

I will give thanks for what I've got.  I'm thankful for my health in general, for my good husband, for the family I chose, i.e. my friends.  I have a good life and for that I am thankful, and not just today but most days of the year.  I write most because I know some days I do forget...

This time of year my favorite "holiday" would be Halloween.  That I celebrate!  As I kid I used to dress up and go trick or tricking.  I just loved it.  I remember wearing my snow suit under my costume because it was so cold, or wearing a big garbage bag over my costume because it was raining.  The joy of living here, you never know the type of night you'll get.  All my goodies for the little monsters are ready.  I started assembling my little bags and realized that I had done them all.  I have one hundred and twenty of them, and I'm hoping it will be enough.  As long as the weather is cooperating, it should be good.

Things have happened here and there, and at times I feel like I should be a fucking recluse, with no neighbor, no screeching kids, no hyper sensitive people, no relatives, just myself. And maybe Hubby (depending on the day, ah!)

I've been trying to get things together for Canada Posts to issue an official Postcrossing stamp.  I've asked Canadian members to help me in this.  The response rate is low.  Oh, I guess I should be happy that some did answer my request, because after all, we are Canadians - we are great at asking for things, but when comes time to actually do something or to get involve we go roach (as in we disappear as soon as the light in on us).  We're are great for wanting, but to actually act, that is a whole other story.  And when you are one (of the rares) who do actually do something, you are judge for being a shit disturber or someone who's disturbing and even a bully because you are pressuring people to do something.  No matter what you are fucked.  Damned if you do and damned of you don't.

We've had Provincial elections, and for the first time in a long time, people actually elected a majority government that wasn't Liberal or Québécois, a first since 1966! Oh, by the way, if there is anybody from any of the political parties, the elections are now over, so please do remove all those big card boards.  We've seen them all, please take them down.  Last elections I had to send an actual email to a party to ask them to actually stop littering the neighborhood with their signs. As I was reading a news feed earlier I came across an article stating that the 'new' government was racist, because the Premier didn't want any religious signs (that old debate, again), and the Muslims, etc. were up arguing about it all.  Why are we supposed to remove any religious signs (as in crosses) from City Halls, Parliament, schools, etc. even if we are (mostly) a Christian nation and yet it would be allowed for women to wear a hijab or men/kids to wear a kirpan?  I don't get this not good for one, and yet the others do it.  If we are a lay-society,  then everybody is the same and shows nothing... but then that would be too easy.

We live in one crazy world that is for damn sure!

Thursday, August 02, 2018

Yeah I need to pass wind... or rather vent some!

Well hello there! Doesn't it fell like I just come to you when I need to vent or something? I do, don't I? Oh well, it is what it is. That is the relationship we have. You're my sounding board, of sort, the one who will listen, not interrupt and let me scream out if I need to. You will not tell me to "chillax", to not care so much, you will simply be there, quiet, for my release. Thank you for that!

 I just had an interesting chat with the husband, I needed his input or at least outlook on something and I must say, at times I do envy his Y chromosomes. Being a girl, with loads of emotions sucks at times. I try, I've tried and will most likely continue to keep my emotions on my sleeve.  I'm quick to get pissed off, but I'm also quick to laugh (too quick according to Hubby, when he hurts himself), I'm just fast... too much so at times, but eh, that is me!

The past few weeks something has been bothering me.  I tried (I really, really do!) to not let it eat at me, it wasn't always easy but I was somewhat managing.  I could not understand it (whatever it may be!) and chose to carry on nonetheless.  I was letting it go.  When asked about it I answered honestly, I didn't know what or why, and kept going.  When you're around more people, people who don't necessarily know you, one tries to behave, right?  Well... I do.  ...most of the time.  When I'm told something that I (deep down) know, even if I know (and/or knew) it stings some.  Who likes to be told they are not liked?  Yes, I know these opinions are just that, opinions of people I don't know, and who ultimately won't get to know either since they've (obviously) already made their opinion of me.  I should not care, I get that, and there is a part of me who does not, because I do know that we can't please everyone, nor should we try.  That would be a waste of time.  What bothers me is the fact that despite not liking me they are taking my ideas, those they like, I guess.

I do get the fact that people who leads will disturb people along the way, they get things moving, and that is not always welcome.  Leaders will say no, they will apply rules, they will make decisions and all of this will not always be liked by others.  In my case I do all that, and like I was told recently, I even keep on breathing which pisses some people off.  I'm really sorry but THAT I'm not planning to stop doing anytime soon.  Yes I do talk loud, express myself, and curse, but that does make me a bad person?  I think not.  What would make me a bad person would be to disrespect others, to not be kind, to be hurtful on purpose and have mean intentions.  Nobody can say that about me. They can see many other things, but not that.

I feel like a wolf, a lone warrior walking in a pack.  I also live in a pack, but I tend to be a lonely creature just like a wolf. I can be fierce and fearless, and no matter if I try to remain low profile, my personality will come out and stand out...  I don't think I was made to follow, and I know I often choose not to follow.  Excuse-me if I disturb you,  I'm not trying to be a bother, I just do my thing.  I should know by now that flattery makes friends (if you can call them that), and truth makes enemies.  I have to learn to be quiet...

Even if they say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I think it sucks.  Big time.  They should be inspired but not copy and think of their own crap!  I have to mentally train myself to detach myself from all of this, and keep on doing my thing, the way I want, and (try) not to care what others think or say about it all, because after all their opinions don't matter all that much.  I have to remember this great quote of Eleanor Roosevelt : "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  She has a point and I refuse to give my consent, damn it!

So much more to learn in this lifetime, so little time to do it all.

Monday, June 25, 2018

Hi, my name is Stinkypaw and I'm an addict...

Well hello there!  Long time no see, really.  I know, my bad, it's all on me!  I've been keeping busy and things like that.  You know, life?

My name is Stinkypaw and I'm a postcard addict!  There I said it.  The first step has been taken, in this long fight against my postaddiction, it seems.  If only I meant it!  You see I've developed this addition back in the seventies, when I was a wee thing, crying at my grand-parents' place in Amos while my folks went to visit a cousin in New-Brunswick and decided to tour while there.  They sent me a postcard to let me know where they were, had how nice it was, the fuckers.  I remember being so upset at them for ditching me at my grand parents, with no kids around!  They sent me a postcard!  I kept that card!  Yes, I still have it!  It was the beginning of my collection! From that moment on, I kept all postcards addressed to me.  A few of my uncles used to travel some and my aunts would send me a card from where they went, like Acapulco, Miami... then some friends starting to send me cards from their holidays abroad.  I went to a prep school, so it was fairly common to go away for Easter, but not for me, we didn't travel by plane.  My dad drove places.  We visited a lot of our province and made our way to the States too.  I loved to write, so sending a postcard was always fun.

As time went on, when I started to travel (by plane) I really took a liking to sending cards.  I loved to send just as much as I did receiving those little square of cardboard with a funny picture on them.  For the past seven years, I've become a Postcrossing member.  In those seven years 2,117 cards I've sent have been registered and I've received 2,109, as of today.  In reality though, I've sent out 2,590 cards, some to be registered as received yet.  Yeah, 473 cards have either been lost, received but not registered, or God knows what.

When I was in Norway, in May, I went a little  crazy.  You see I brought back two hundred ninety cards. Yeah, I know, crazy!  In my defense, they do have cards that are not only touristic and some were really nice cards, so I stocked up...  That being said, EVERYTHING is fucking expensive in Norway, so...  But still I did go overboard!

Tonight, because I had all the credit card slips from our trip and had indicated on them the price in CAN$ I did a little recap of how much I did spend in stamps and cards while in Norway...

I'll leave it at that, ok?  I think it might be a VERY good thing that I never actually sat down and calculated how much I'm sending really... It's crazy and I'm nowhere near tired of doing this yet. I think it is time for me to control myself - control such an ugly word, no matter under what circumstance or in regards to food, substances, goods, etc. - if only I had some willpower left in me.  I think that plant (of willpower) has been shut down for a few years now... sadly...  Oh, I could pretend and say that I will send less, but who are we kidding here?  We all know that when it comes to postcards I have no fucking interest in stopping anytime soon!  I'm sick, I'm an addict and I fucking assume it 'cause I love it!