Hi Y'all! (I guess I've been watching "Big Brother" a little too much and picked up on the y'all, could be worst... I think?!)
Been feeling the need to write/vent or whatever it is I do on here, for a while, and after spending an evening and a full day with relatives (you know, those folks you see at either weddings or funerals?), the need was felt once again. I don't know if it is simply because I am getting old...er, but I'm realizing that there are things I do care less about. At one point, last Saturday, I was sitting among cousins and this realization hit me, I felt out of place, or beyond what was being said around me. It is not that I was not understanding or empathizing with what was being said, no, it was more like a complete detachment and also this desire to refrain from standing up and telling them to shut the fuck up, to let go of the past and to move the fuck on. (Excuse the language, I've also been watching "The Ranch").
We all have horror stories, things we remember that were done or said to us growing up. While listening to the conversations around me it was obvious that some of us never got over the "abuse". For whatever reason they got stuck on "my father hit me" and "my mother said". True, I've been hurt too. But at some point in time, I made the conscious decision to move on, for whatever reason and as hard as it has been, because it was/is not always easy, I did manage to move on. At times I asked for professional help, tried different things, read many self-help books, whatever could help me to move on, because I did not want to be a victim of how I was brought up. I knew, deep down, that whatever happened or was happening at the time, was not determining who I would be in the future or make me a victim, I was more than a kid whose father was rough with. Granted there are some things that were/are harder to get over, feelings hurt so deep that I was/am not completely ready to let go yet. Those are mine to work on. And I do. Or at least I try.
We all portray ourselves a certain way, to hide our insecurities or whatever, but to hear a cousin who is a good ten+ years older than me talk about how she was always being compared to her older sister growing up and how her mom disapprove of her , etc. was sad. It was sad to see this woman who I always thought of as a carefree person who did what she wanted, to be so vulnerable and full of self doubts and even bitterness towards her mother was something else. I know that aunt was tough, like the rest of the family. I'm not trying to excuse their behaviors, far from it. I'm only trying to grasp how someone can choose to hang on to such resentment for that long. I chose to break free. I'm also choosing to remain free. I think it would be easy to fall back to being the victim, the "poor" kid who endured such horrible pains and/or words.
People often think of me as harsh, I am. I have lots of mordant... I guess that between the way I was raised, the area where I grew up and twenty+ years of martial arts, I've developed this thick skin. It could have some prickles here and there, protective measures?! I'm sarcastic and I can also be pleasant, if I choose to. I believe it is all a question of choice: to choose how we hang on or let go and move on, all the while enjoying the moment... Life would be/is so much lighter this way. Who needs all that baggage, really? Because deep down, in the long run, nobody gets out alive, so might as well make the most of it daily and live for the present, 'cause it is a gift! ;-)