Tuesday, November 11, 2014

It might be time to walk away...

I've been toying with the idea of retiring or should I say doing what was the initial plan when Hubby and I created our company: to do our books and that's that.  A part of me feels guilty and don't like the idea of being a woman at home (with no kid) and feeling like I'm not pulling my weight.  Hubby has been telling me to ditch clients for months.  I did drop a few here and there, but have kept others.

We took one week off, and since I feel really overwhelmed and despite some serious efforts still not seeing the load getting lighter.  Plus to add to this yucky feeling, I'm not even doing the things I really do enjoy.  I don't have time.  I try to catch a bit here and there, spend some time with Hubby watching the shows we both like, and even that while sitting there I feel fidgety when I think that I should be invoicing or doing some bank reconciliation for a client or another.  It sucks!

I know it's all me.  I chose to get clients, and to keep them. It's me.  I just can't let go.  Is it only my need to feel needed, my ego for not wanting to be one of those housewives, the fact that I (guess) do care about what others think?  I don't know.  I just know that I need to get off, I'm starting to feel nauseous as I'm typing this.  I'm afraid to be lazy, even if I do know that I am, but to stop "working" would be like giving full freedom to my laziness.  I would rather be sick.  Weird to realize that I'm doing this to myself. 

I've never felt overwhelmed like I do the past few weeks.  I look at my desk, and it's a mess.  There are papers everywhere. I think I'm going to crash again, and this time I have no excuse; I see myself going, I see how I'm driving this boat and I know I'm going to crash it.  I have to do something.  I thought a week away, in the sun, would help, but I'm thinking it might have been the kick in the ass I needed to drop out.  To let go.  I've been told not to care, that as long as I'm being paid who cares what clients do.  I wish I could not care.  I do.  I've tried to turn off my emotions, like they say in vampires show, and yet, it doesn't seem to be working.  I'm no vampire, that's for dammed sure, even if I've been living at nights lately. 

I have to let go.  Something has to give and I KNOW it is me.  For my sanity, among other things.  I don't like feeling this way, so I will do something... Why do I feel like I'm about to throw up just thinking of which client I could let go of... why do I feel this lump in my throat as if it's something really scary?  I really don't like this.  It's all me.  I get that.  Now how do I pull the plug?!...

Friday, October 24, 2014

We have to answer for it...

Today while I was at the salon, I was asked how I felt about the recent events, the terrorists attacks that have occurred within the last few days on our soil. At first I didn't think I should really express my opinion. But then again...

You see I have an issue with how loosely we use "terrorist attack", how fast we call a violent nut case a terrorist... It upsets me to see people jumping to conclusion about a violent act and blaming religious beliefs,  or whatever else. Why can't we just say a crime, a violent attack or act?  To say terrorist and throw in Islam is just turning things around so that we get scared and worried. 

The media is to blame for a lot of it, but there is also the authorities, how they manipulate the information that is being spread, shown.  They're leading us to believe certain things, and to be honest I'm not convinced we are told the truth.  It would be irresponsible of me to completely trust the system as it is.

Remember Denis Lortie, back in 1984 - the lunatic who walked in the QC Parliament and shot people?  He did kill three people.  Funny, how to this day, I've never heard anyone refer to him as anything other than a crazy man you blew a gasket.  There was never any mention of terrorism - granted back in the 80s it wasn't a world as popular as it is now.  Nowadays every damn crazy act is labeled terrorist. That does get to me.  It makes me mad, that we're being scared not only by actions of crazy people, but by words.

I think it is very sad to see so many of us, being scared, outraged, etc and at the same time somewaht unconscious or refusing to see that if you mingle in other people's business there are chances you might get involve in it too.  If one stirs a pot, you will not only smell what's cooking but you might get burned as well. 

As Canadians we've always been "nice", "peaceful", good citizens of the world.  We used to mind our business.  Lately, we've been following our Southern neighbors maybe a little too much, and now we may be starting to feel repercussion of it all. Until now, we've always felt safe. 

Last week, I've met an old man who did the Korea War and we talked some.  I was telling him about this idea I had to send postcards to our deployed soldiers, as a thank you and encouragement for their sacrifice (and yes, even if it is their choice), idea I shared with other Postcrossing members on Bacefook.  This week these sad events happened, yet again reminding me that I do support our troops, even if I'm not sure they should be where they are.

I don't do politics.  When I saw this, I liked the message.  I like the message on how to react.  Let's not be scared but think.  Let's not jump to conclusion but evaluate.  Let's not turn American (sorry to my US blends) and remember that we are Canadians, and what it means...

Friday, October 10, 2014

Fifty years ago...

Today I've realized that I've missed my parents. The couple they were together.  The couple I knew as Mom and Dad. 

Today I've realized that it would have been their fiftieth wedding anniversary.

Amazing to think they would have been a couple for that long, with each other almost every day until my father's death.  To think not only were they married, they worked together, they raised  me together.  They were a couple.  Not a perfect one, far from it (in my views anyway), but they worked.  How ever crooked they might have been.

Yep, today I came to the realization that I miss seeing my parents, together.  I do miss my father.  I think of him often.  I seldom really do think of the two of them together anymore, and when I did at lunch, it made me a little sad. 

Knowing myself, I would have most likely throw them a big party to celebrate this milestone.   Today, I did nothing of the sort, only thought of them and thought of my mother who left for her moose hunting trip early this morning...

Times do change.  So do people... it seems.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Don't need a test, I know I'm allergic

Hello blog friends, and talk about a way to start a post, but hey, since this blog is all about me, why not!

Sorry for being MIA these past months, life and Postcrossing are taking up much of my time.  In general all is good on this side of the screen.  Can't complain too much, except for the stupidity that affects so many of us.  We have friends (yes, we do, really!) from Zurich, who will be staying with us for a week.  It's a good thing they come over once in a while, it forces us to do a major house cleaning.  It's ridiculously crazy how much stuff we can accumulate, even if we live in a fairly small place.  Granted, I will admit being responsible for a part of it with my scrapbooking and now my Postcrossing, but it's not all my shit.  We have a Murphy bed downstairs (which we bought not long after we moved here, because of those friends coming over) and there was so much stuff in the room that we couldn't pull the bed down.  Hubby and I have been sorting through boxes, and reorganized the area.  It's always a good thing to clean house, I say.  We got rid of things we haven't used in a while, like old computing equipment Hubby was keeping for whatever reason, some old books, and since we were in a cleaning mode, we also went through our clothes and filled up a few bags that we brought to a fripperie (goodwill store) not far from here, with other goods that we either didn't want anymore or haven't used in over a year.  Let's just say, that as of now that room has never been this empty.  I love it!

I'm realizing that I have an addictive personality. Don't get me wrong, I'm not addictive, but tend to get addicted to things.  First example, when I bought my first charm on my Chamilia bracelet (similar to Pandora's) I had thought it would be all.  Four full bracelets later, I still look at charms and find some to like!  Second example, when I started scrapbooking I thought I would do one album with all my cards from birth until my 40th birthday.  I don't know how many albums I have now, and I'm not done scraping either.  I love it and keep finding things to scrap about, a trip there, a show there, I scrap about anything and everything.  Third proof, when I joined Postcrossing I had a little box with about 30 cards in it, and some stickers and tapes I use to decorate my cards. 

At this moment, I have 5 mini mailboxes (stamp dispenser) on my desk (you must admit they are cute!), my little box of cards when to a big size box with hundreds of cards, a cigar box full of stickers and so many tapes & pens...  yep, I'm an addict!  And I love it!

Just this past week, I've reached a new level of "satisfaction" - I'm actually combining two of my addictions into one.  That's real I'm a real junky!  I've started making art mail or scrappostcards, and I'm enjoying it.  I was particularly proud on Friday when I went to the post office to mail a bunch of cards when the postal employee commented on my hand made card, that I was sending to a guy in France.  He was really impressed and even showed it to the other two employees working the counter with him.  He then proceeded to ask me to show him whatever else I would make because he thought it was really interesting.  It felt good, especially since I wasn't sure about the end result.  I liked it, but not as much as he seemed to.

Today I've met a fellow Postcrosser in town for the weekend, and while having breakfast with her, talked about postcards (of course) so I showed her the three I had made the night before. Among the lot, there was one I wasn't sure of.  I had started with an idea and then went a different way and finally ended up with something that was quite loaded.  That was the card she preferred, so I gave it to her.  My only regrets is not having scan it before doing so.

Card the postal worker liked; showing map of our neighborhood, and local stamps.

Just enjoy Happy Bunny, so came up with this one.

I guess I felt somewhat twisted on this one.
These a my latest creations, what do you think?

Monday, July 21, 2014

All About Me Mentality

Mise en scène

The wife wants to get back to some level of physical shape, but isn't to incline to do sports.  The husband is quite active.  For over ten years the wife hasn't touched her bicycle, and this even if the husband cycled to work almost daily.

The wife suggests they go for a ride.

Current scene

Not only is the wife feeling wobbly on her bicycle, she's hurting.  Her crotch is sore and her wrists are also sore.  This is not as fun as she remembered cycling to be.  Maybe it's an age thing?  She used to love riding her bike.

Because the wife hadn't cycled in so long, the husband wanted to go a safer way, and stay on bike paths.  Giving where they lived, a touristic area of town, no matter where they went,  they had to go through crowds, especially since it was a nice day.

The wife often (very often) heard the husband complained about how there was anything but cyclists on the bike paths.  He would complain about how baby carriage or people walking their
dogs or joggers were taking over the paths, how he couldn't ride without being aware of others. So, when she had to slow down and almost hit her brakes because of people walking in the middle of the path she understood the husband's complaints.  When she had to get off her bicycle and walked besides her bike because too many people were on the bicycle path rather than on the sidewalk, she got pissed off.  They had to walk for a few minutes to avoid mostly pedestrians.  Not even a few minutes after getting back on their bikes they came across four young women totally oblivious of being on a bike path and were walking side by side taking the width of the path.  The wife couldn't help herself and told them it was a bike path not a sidewalk.  They looked at her as if she was a mad woman and kept on walking, giggling.

One can't help and wonder where are we heading as people, as a society?  Why are we so focused on ourselves and nobody else? We all act as if we were alone, in our own little bubble, not giving a damn about anyone other than ourselves.  It's sad to see that future generation as well as current ones are so messed up and can only think about their little selves.  Not only have we lost respect not just for elders, but for everyone basically, we don't even care about our own selves enough to be polite and somewhat considerate of others.  As Professor Farnsworth said... I don't want to live on this planet anymore...