Thursday, August 02, 2018

Yeah I need to pass wind... or rather vent some!

Well hello there! Doesn't it fell like I just come to you when I need to vent or something? I do, don't I? Oh well, it is what it is. That is the relationship we have. You're my sounding board, of sort, the one who will listen, not interrupt and let me scream out if I need to. You will not tell me to "chillax", to not care so much, you will simply be there, quiet, for my release. Thank you for that!

 I just had an interesting chat with the husband, I needed his input or at least outlook on something and I must say, at times I do envy his Y chromosomes. Being a girl, with loads of emotions sucks at times. I try, I've tried and will most likely continue to keep my emotions on my sleeve.  I'm quick to get pissed off, but I'm also quick to laugh (too quick according to Hubby, when he hurts himself), I'm just fast... too much so at times, but eh, that is me!

The past few weeks something has been bothering me.  I tried (I really, really do!) to not let it eat at me, it wasn't always easy but I was somewhat managing.  I could not understand it (whatever it may be!) and chose to carry on nonetheless.  I was letting it go.  When asked about it I answered honestly, I didn't know what or why, and kept going.  When you're around more people, people who don't necessarily know you, one tries to behave, right?  Well... I do.  ...most of the time.  When I'm told something that I (deep down) know, even if I know (and/or knew) it stings some.  Who likes to be told they are not liked?  Yes, I know these opinions are just that, opinions of people I don't know, and who ultimately won't get to know either since they've (obviously) already made their opinion of me.  I should not care, I get that, and there is a part of me who does not, because I do know that we can't please everyone, nor should we try.  That would be a waste of time.  What bothers me is the fact that despite not liking me they are taking my ideas, those they like, I guess.

I do get the fact that people who leads will disturb people along the way, they get things moving, and that is not always welcome.  Leaders will say no, they will apply rules, they will make decisions and all of this will not always be liked by others.  In my case I do all that, and like I was told recently, I even keep on breathing which pisses some people off.  I'm really sorry but THAT I'm not planning to stop doing anytime soon.  Yes I do talk loud, express myself, and curse, but that does make me a bad person?  I think not.  What would make me a bad person would be to disrespect others, to not be kind, to be hurtful on purpose and have mean intentions.  Nobody can say that about me. They can see many other things, but not that.

I feel like a wolf, a lone warrior walking in a pack.  I also live in a pack, but I tend to be a lonely creature just like a wolf. I can be fierce and fearless, and no matter if I try to remain low profile, my personality will come out and stand out...  I don't think I was made to follow, and I know I often choose not to follow.  Excuse-me if I disturb you,  I'm not trying to be a bother, I just do my thing.  I should know by now that flattery makes friends (if you can call them that), and truth makes enemies.  I have to learn to be quiet...

Even if they say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I think it sucks.  Big time.  They should be inspired but not copy and think of their own crap!  I have to mentally train myself to detach myself from all of this, and keep on doing my thing, the way I want, and (try) not to care what others think or say about it all, because after all their opinions don't matter all that much.  I have to remember this great quote of Eleanor Roosevelt : "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  She has a point and I refuse to give my consent, damn it!

So much more to learn in this lifetime, so little time to do it all.

Monday, June 25, 2018

Hi, my name is Stinkypaw and I'm an addict...

Well hello there!  Long time no see, really.  I know, my bad, it's all on me!  I've been keeping busy and things like that.  You know, life?

My name is Stinkypaw and I'm a postcard addict!  There I said it.  The first step has been taken, in this long fight against my postaddiction, it seems.  If only I meant it!  You see I've developed this addition back in the seventies, when I was a wee thing, crying at my grand-parents' place in Amos while my folks went to visit a cousin in New-Brunswick and decided to tour while there.  They sent me a postcard to let me know where they were, had how nice it was, the fuckers.  I remember being so upset at them for ditching me at my grand parents, with no kids around!  They sent me a postcard!  I kept that card!  Yes, I still have it!  It was the beginning of my collection! From that moment on, I kept all postcards addressed to me.  A few of my uncles used to travel some and my aunts would send me a card from where they went, like Acapulco, Miami... then some friends starting to send me cards from their holidays abroad.  I went to a prep school, so it was fairly common to go away for Easter, but not for me, we didn't travel by plane.  My dad drove places.  We visited a lot of our province and made our way to the States too.  I loved to write, so sending a postcard was always fun.

As time went on, when I started to travel (by plane) I really took a liking to sending cards.  I loved to send just as much as I did receiving those little square of cardboard with a funny picture on them.  For the past seven years, I've become a Postcrossing member.  In those seven years 2,117 cards I've sent have been registered and I've received 2,109, as of today.  In reality though, I've sent out 2,590 cards, some to be registered as received yet.  Yeah, 473 cards have either been lost, received but not registered, or God knows what.

When I was in Norway, in May, I went a little  crazy.  You see I brought back two hundred ninety cards. Yeah, I know, crazy!  In my defense, they do have cards that are not only touristic and some were really nice cards, so I stocked up...  That being said, EVERYTHING is fucking expensive in Norway, so...  But still I did go overboard!

Tonight, because I had all the credit card slips from our trip and had indicated on them the price in CAN$ I did a little recap of how much I did spend in stamps and cards while in Norway...

I'll leave it at that, ok?  I think it might be a VERY good thing that I never actually sat down and calculated how much I'm sending really... It's crazy and I'm nowhere near tired of doing this yet. I think it is time for me to control myself - control such an ugly word, no matter under what circumstance or in regards to food, substances, goods, etc. - if only I had some willpower left in me.  I think that plant (of willpower) has been shut down for a few years now... sadly...  Oh, I could pretend and say that I will send less, but who are we kidding here?  We all know that when it comes to postcards I have no fucking interest in stopping anytime soon!  I'm sick, I'm an addict and I fucking assume it 'cause I love it! 

Monday, April 16, 2018

Thank you! Fuck You! Bye!

Whenever I think I've seen it all, as far as stupidity goes, or worst when I think that people can NOT be THAT stupid, one more person comes along to prove me wrong...  It never fails!

Let me do my best Sophia (for the Golden Girls) impression:  Let me tell you a story, picture it! Montréal, 2018.  An attractive condo owner, who was also involved in administrating her condo association, made sure to share a bunch of information with her co-owners because, deep down, she knew most of them didn't really care about the rules and regulations as long as it was taken care of.  By someone else, of course.  In order to prevent many questions, she even put together a one page document (did her best to keep it as simple as possible), explaining certain responsibilities these folks had to assume. 

Imagine her surprise when one of the co-owners sent questions her way about something clearly written about on the document she sent a little more than a week before. She did remain calm, and did manage to remind the person of their responsibilities and role within the association and was pretty clear at letting them know they should clearly RTFM.

I don't know if my message went through, but man oh man, did I talk to myself.  Unreal.  People who have spent almost half a million dollars on a house to be so clueless is beyond me.  It is not rocket science.  They are rules, there are roles to be played by different people and yet, that seems to be too much.

Then, to add to my stupid of the day, in a group I manage, I'm told one person wants out.  So I ask why. (OK, that was my bad!  I'm not exempt from being stupid either, obviously!).  You see, in this group we send and receive things (read postcards, mostly).  I created that group based on a bigger group, an official group, let's say.  In that official group, whenever you receive something you have to register it.  The way the site is set up, you can (strongly suggested) write a note to the sender thanking them or whatever.  For each item received you need to register it.  Some people don't, because people are assholes like that, but generally speaking more items sent do get acknowledged when received. 

So, in this little group I manage items are being sent and received as well. As for the the official group, some members are assholes too.  When that one person she wanted out because she felt it was overwhelming to have to acknowledge reception and was taking the fun out of the activity, I could not really bite my tongue.  I did tell her that it was no different than the official group... she gets that we have different views on this... Really?  There are different ways of looking at things... No shit!  Talk about being one of those ass wipes who loves to receive but never says thank you.  One of those people who takes but rarely gives.  One of those who complain but never get fucking involved.  One of those who as long as they are happy everything is fine. 

Yep, really, it's been that kind of day, covered in a nice thin layer of ice to top it all off!  Just a fucking perfect stupid day!

Monday, March 05, 2018

Venting Session

I feel the need to write, the need to express my frustrations, but at the same time, can't help and wonder why I should bother, since no matter what, I'm the meanie, the one who's so rough, abrupt, and/or lacking gentleness?  I have no fucking fuse left, sorry people, you burned it all out.  Yep, I can no longer be patient with dumb asses.
Last week I had to deal with the builder's rep for a smell issue we've been having coming from our shower drain.  We googled the issue, saw what the interweb was saying about such problem, and contacted our builder to have it looked at, because unlike what they are trying to tell us, it is not normal.  When the rep kept on trying to tell me that it was because the drain needed to be cleaned of hair and other residue, which is bogus since if it was full of hair and others, it wouldn't drain, and it does, I raised the tone.  Her explanations were ridiculous, and told her so.  That is a BIG faux-pas, you can not EVER raise your voice, oh no, that is too threatening and oh so disrespectful. I'm sorry but when I'm being talked to as if I'm a child not understanding something because it is way too complicated for my little brain, I will react.  I wear my emotions on my sleeves,  good and bad, so no surprise there if  my tone reflects that.

We are now in a society where we can no longer express ourselves.  You can not say anything negative, or you will be perceived as a meanie. We have to give everyone a chance, and be nice about it.  I have a REAL hard time with that.  I call a spade a spade.  This political correctness is total bullshit. I'm one who believes that if your job is to deliver my mail, you should be doing it without me having to remind you that my mail should not be folded or rained on or even written on.  That is YOUR job to make sure I get my mail in one piece.  So, the day that you fold my mail or write on it, don't be surprise if I report your sorry ass to your boss - granted I know they won't do much about it - you have ONE job, and I should "remind" you to take care of my mail, and not to write on it?  Really?  Sorry, I don't think so.

I'm trying to be more tolerant. I am. I keep quiet and choose to remain silent rather than say something.  It is hard. I'm fighting with my nature big time.  I try to remain calm, and at times I do succeed.  Maybe I should not live in society, maybe I should live in a very remote area with nobody around, and keep to myself... Even then, I've been trying to keep to myself more, and yet, like Hubby often says, they are everywhere and they find me!

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Updates, etc

Hello peeps,

Returning home after two wonderful weeks in the sun, was rough to say the least.  The weather here sucks!  No kidding, it's been a freaking nightmare!  From freezing temperatures to melting ones, snow up the wazoo, and now everything is covered in ice, WTF?  No matter what people may say or think, and this being the regular smucks to the American presidents, we broke our planet and it shows!

Anyhoo, we had an amazing time in beautiful Hawai'i, not a drop of rain, very little clouds, nice warm temperature, lovely people, so yeah, a great time.  To get there and back, I could do without.  It is such a long trek, but the return was easier that the going there.  That was one friggin' long day.

I did manage to remain sun burn free - yeah me! - granted we didn't do the toast (or bacon) much.  We visited a little, and on the Big Island we did one awesome tour.  We witnessed a gorgeous sunrise on top of Mauna Kea... what a sight!  I've never seen so many stars (except at the Planetarium), shooting stars and even saw the Hubble Telescope as it flew above us, unreal!

Observatories on top of Mauna Kea, with its shadow...
We were lucky enough to be up there, at about 14,000' high, feeling a little dizzy like we've had one too many Mai Tai, with no wind whatsoever and some snow.  It was cold though.  Had my coat from home, plus the parka they gave us and it wasn't too much!  We were also very lucky with our guide, he loved astronomy and the volcanoes, and it showed.  He was passionate and made it much more interesting for sure.  Being there was something else, where the earth met the sky, above the clouds, such a beautiful place...

We did manage to catch up with some friends while there, so that is always a BIG plus.  Even made her visit this statue, at Punchbowl, which she had never visited before.  Figures, she's local!
Made famous with the opening of the original Hawaii 5-0

And then we came home... argh.

Yesterday I woke up with my left eye sore, as if a lash was folded wrong or something...  Tried some hot compresses, some eye drops and ended up calling my eye doctor for an emergency visit.  I was lucky enough that he could see me.  Good thing Hubby was working from home and drove, since I couldn't keep my eye open.  It hurt to blink and felt like cramps behind my eye. Within a few minutes of sitting in his chair with his microscope he said I had a scratched cornea.  - yeah me! - He prescribed some antibiotic ointment, to mostly prevent infection and promote quick healing and sent me home, with a follow up tomorrow.  I will say this, that little ointment of his works well.  As soon as I put it in I felt relief!

In other news, I think it might be a sign that you've been with your loved one for a loooong time when neither of you are sure of the date you started dating... we both know it was in January 1994, so that will do...
Yep, I've been with my grumpy old man for the past 24 years... who would have thought... Half of my life, I've spent with him.  It almost feels unreal.  Where did all that time go?

One thing for sure, even if it might be because I'm used to having him around, with all his noises, and man, trust me, he generates a LOT of them from sneezing, coughing, farting, burping, swearing, chewing and even breathing this past week (he's been sick, poor thing!), he's one noise making man, but I love him.  Like I've said in my vows when we did the deed on the beach, I love him not only for who he is but for how I am when I'm with him. He makes me feel loved, he's my best friend, and even if there are (and trust me, there are!) days when I don't like him so much, I do love him.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Six More Dodos...

Christmas is among my favorite time of the year, but it is not for everyone... plus, as we are getting older it is not the same.  My mother is now a snowbird, and she doesn't come back just for me.  Hubby's father is... well... we don't see much of him.  Hubby often offered to escape at Christmas time.  We did it once, to Napa, and it was nice.  It didn't feel like it was Christmas, but the time away sure felt good.  This year we had not, yet, really taken any vacation.  I did go spend a two days at a cousin in Québec City, but other than that, we we pretty much home bodies.  Hubby worked a lot. We had talked about going to Europe, visit with friends back in August, but the scheduling wasn't working out and the funds were low, so that didn't work out.  When we talked about escaping at Christmas we did think of Europe - I would love to visit the Christmas markets in Germany or Poland, but then it would NOT be a relaxing vacation for Hubby since there would be places to see and lots to do.  Given that he's the main bread winner in this household, he needs (and wants!) to relax some.  So, rather than going someplace where we would feel guilty about crashing and doing nothing, we thought why not go some place we know.  We won't feel the need to visit or the guilt of crashing. Plus I wanted some warmth.  When we started talking about it, it was for the week of Christmas leading to New Year's.  We thought of using this damn timeshare of ours, we pay for it so might as well try to use the damn thing, so Hubby started to explore different options.

In mid-August (one hundred twenty-seven days exactly from our departure date), Hubby booked us a Christmas escape, just the two of us. We are heading back to Hawai'i... again.  A part of me feels like the luckiest girl and another part feels like the old broad who hates to travel.  The twelve freaking hours in transit are not exciting me, but, come on!  It is Hawai'i after all!

We dug out our snorkel gear and went to a dive shop.  Man we care good consumers!  Let's leave it at that!  While on the Big Island, I would love to go snorkeling daily.  I will admit, I'm not the most confident swimmer, and the thought of those big winter waves is somewhat worrisome,  especially when our local friend texted us to let us know they had to close a surfing competition on the North Shore (of Oahu) because the waves were too big... nothing to warm my insides, let's say.  But I do love to see marine life, and being in the  water, so hopefully we will manage to get some days in the blue waters of the Big Island.

This year, again, I kept up my tradition of sending (a lot!) of Christmas cards, both folded and postcards. To my pleasure, I've been getting some back.

One the first weekend of December, this is how it started:

Then, the following weekend, I had a little more...

And then, this weekend, it showed that a nice load came in... I manage to almost fill out my first door. Check it out:

I'm hoping to get a bunch more this week, before we leave, I just love it!  Last night we had friends over and the man thought those were cards accumulated over the years... come on!  These are all cards received for this year's Christmas!

Remember a few years back I used to adopt a family in need at Christmas?  That was such a thrill and emotional thing.  I loved to do it.  When a friend of mine mentioned that she was going to be an elf  for a kid this Christmas, I jump on that bandwagon, I wanted in too.  I got assigned a little eight years old boy, who wrote me a letter telling me what he wanted, etc.  I had to buy him a gift, and write him back.  I wrote him a cute letter, as an elf, wrapped my gift and dropped it off at the assigned location.  I've been following the evolution of the project, organised by a teacher in a poor income area of town, and it is so touching and fun to see everyone's excitement.  Looking forward to seeing the kids'.  Hopefully she will post about it too, even if she's trying hard to keep the kids identities under wrap.

Tomorrow, since we will be missing the family gathering with Hubby's cousin at either Christmas or New Year, I thought of taking the kids (the three of them) shopping for their gifts.  They chose the stores they want to go to, so I will pick them up, drive them there, let them choose (in our set budget, of course!) and pay for it all.  The only thing I'm not certain of right this moment, is if I'm going to be nice or naughty... Nice if I let them take their gifts home with them, or naughty and take the gifts away and ask the parents to give it to them on Christmas... hmmm... decisions, decisions...

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Being Me

This past week I turned fifty-one... I would lie to say it really bothers me, because it doesn't. I don't feel it and I don't really look it either.  Granted, there are times when I feel like my body and brain are not in sync, the body is showing a little more reluctance to follow let's say... but then again, I don't train like I used to... I don't train at all, actually!   I don't miss it one bit.  I know about the health benefits, etc., etc. I guess I haven't reached that point yet, where the benefits are more needed then how I feel about it.

One sure thing about getting is the fact that we (should) learn to detach ourselves.  We learn to let go and to not care oh so much.  If not, than it should be our goal so that our remaining days are pleasant and drama free.  I don't know if it is because Hubby told me many (many!) times over that it's ok for me to let go, or if it is one of the benefit of meditation or simply because I am learning, but I'm trying hard to detach myself, to not care, to relinquish control of things (and/or people) I can not control.  I fully understand that we can't please everyone and that not everyone will like us.  I accept that.  What I (still!) don't get is how, grown adults will spread lies about others, how they will act like teens in high school and rally against someone rather than verify (for themselves) what a situation really is about.

The past ten years, I've been working on myself, my short temper, my bluntness and came to realize that there are some things about me that I'm willing to work on and change, and others that I (me, Stinkypaw) don't dislike at all.  I've come to accept that I am this way and I don't mind it.  I like the fact that I can say to someone what I think.  I'm trying to work on my delivery, but the message I want to deliver will remain the same, only the packaging will change.  I've come to realize I'm a good person, with good values.  I have a set of beliefs and can agree to disagree.   

I will not lie, it does bother me when I hear someone doesn't like me.  I want people to like me (Sue me, I haven't reached that step of detachment yet!), or at least to not dislike me for the wrong reasons.  To hear from someone who visits with me that she was asked how I really was IRL, disturbed me somewhat.  I know we're not all alike, since I would do a perception check with the person I feel something is going on, I would verify with them directly rather than ask a third party.  Yes, that is me.  Yes, that is the confrontational me.  If I have a problem with the clerk at the grocery store, I will tell her.  I won't be going to another clerk.  I will go to the source.  Not everyone is like that, granted.  I'm asking you this:  Isn't it easier to go directly at the source and get a straight answer rather than go to a third party who will give you their impression?

A few weeks ago, I was accused of bullying after calling out members of a group to participate directly.  This person asked me to stop putting her name up, she would not participate and no amount of bullying from me would change that.  I was quite surprise by her answer, and asked her why she just couldn't tell me that she'd rather not participate instead of accusing me of bullying.  Her answer was that she thought I was a bully and found I pushed people and that she usually tried to stay out of my way.  To which I only answered thank you.  To my surprise, she came back with an apology stating usually she doesn't say mean things to people, that I've always rubbed her the wrong way.  After that I did not answer anything back. Not really worth it, now was it?  That episode did upset me.  It made me rethink my behavior and how it could (maybe) be construed as bullying.  I only wanted more active members to participate in this project, not bully them.  It also made me see that no matter how you try, if someone has decided they dislike you no matter what you do or try to do they will not like you.  It is ok. Again, we can't please everyone, nor should we try I say.  We should do our best and hope we don't rub people the wrong way too much.

In our condo association I know I've rubbed some the wrong way, because I'm the one applying our by-laws.  Some people will (do) dislike me and others will (do) like what I do.  In managing a Bacefook group I've had people say they were leaving because of me (being a mean moderator) and others that they enjoyed how well the group was managed.  Isn't funny how all our lives we try to better ourselves to become a better version of who we are, and when we are that person, we only need one person to criticize or dislike us to try to become a version they would like... how fucked up is that, really?  I like who I am (most of time), granted I could have a longer fuse, I could be more gentle in my communicative ways, I could keep certain things to myself, and I could be a little less outspoken, and not swear as much, but then again that wouldn't be the real me, would it?

I know my flaws, and like I wrote before, some I've worked on others well, I don't give a fuck.  Really.  I am Stinkypaw, and if you don't like me, well... if we're "friends" on Bacefook and you don't like what you see or what I say, there are three little dots next to my name and if you click on those the option to delete post and remove user will be offered to you, click on it, and your (and mine, most likely) problem will be resolve.  It is that simple, really.  If you're a member in a group I manage, the first box on the left, under the group's banner says "Joined", if you click on it, it will offer you the option to leave the group, voilà, another problem solved.  It can be that easy.  It's not complicated and I won't even know it until the day I might want to contact you and realize you're no longer a member.  I will get over it.  Trust me.  I will.  As Deepak Chopra said: No matter what the situation, remind yourself "I have a choice."

I choose, on this full day completed in my fifty-first year, to let go of many things, and to be happy with who I am.  It's ok not to be liked, because despite those haters I do have great people in my life who do like me just the way I am with my lack of fuse, bluntness, raw words, etc.  They know me, and take me as I am.  To those, and to all of those nice people who took the time to wish me happy birthday by Messenger, by posting their wishes on my wall, by calling me and even to come see me, I say a BIG heartfelt thank you.  Thank you for your friendship and your kind words.

and with this I wish you good night!