Falling out of...

 ... friendship - that's like falling out of love, but with friends.  That happens too. 

The past few weeks, I've been having dreams about people I chose not to have in my life anymore.  At some point, in the past, I made this very conscious decision to not have these specific people around.  I have given them enough, may it be physically, monetary, energy or just time. I decided it was enough.  With some people it sorts of happened or happens naturally... we just drift apart.  One day you realize that you haven't seen then in a long while and you're ok with it.  And this is pre-Covid, when we still had the option to see and fraternize with people. You don't really miss them, nor think of them often.  Others, well, for me it was harder, since they had been part of my life for a long while, they had an important role in it, I thought of them as friends, and (for me) that is something.  But I clearly remember walking away.  No explanation were giving, nor asked for, it just happened and that was that.  

Like for any breakup, common friends will feel they have to choose a side.  Some do and they will ask what happened, etc.  Some will try to reconcile, try to mediate, when really there is nothing to mend...

It is not even a question of pride, ego or being stubborn.  I just reached my max of what I would tolerate, do and accept, and decided that was it.  

It did cost me. Lots.  I gave up on something that had been part of my daily activities for over twenty plus years.  Granted my body was needing a break from the abuse I was giving it, but like everything I tend to do in life, I went from black to white, from zero to sixty, when I decided it was over, I stop everything.

Having dreams about these people, where I'm interacting with them, and seeing them, churned things in me.  It disturbed me.  The situations in the dreams were strange, unreal, and yet, I felt wary, I even woke up feeling on edge, alert.  Thinking about it, I'm realizing that it is not like I stopped caring what happened to them even if I chose to remove myself from their environment.  I don't wish them harm.  I won't go visit them at the hospital but I'll pay my respect when the day come.

I'm wondering why I'm dreaming of them, what part of my brain triggered this?  Am I missing them, or is it because we've been confined for so long that I'm reminiscing? Whatever the reason is, it was strange to dream of them...  I'm also realizing that I don't want them back into my life, so that's good!

Today I had a strange experience with a neighbor's dog.  This lady was walking her dog, a BIG Bernese Bouvier, across the street.  As I was working on our evergreen, removing its winter covering, I felt like I was being stared.  I turned around to see this big beast sitting on the sidewalk, across the street, just starting at me.  The lady was pulling on his leash, but the dog wasn't moving.  He just sat there and stared.  I wave at him, and he got all excited.  The lady was having a hard time holding him back.  He wouldn't keep on walking, just sat there and would stare. 

It lasted a good five minutes or more.  I had time to uncover all four trees, go up to get a bag and bagged everything and the dog was still there, staring at me.  The lady then asked me if I was afraid of dogs.  Told her no, and asked if I could go see her dog.  As I crossed the street the dog got so excited, jumping up and down, pulling on his leash, and at over 130 lbs the lady was struggling.  When I got to him, he was whimpering, tale going 100 km/hour, and trying to jump on me.  He was presenting me his paws, pushing me with its head.  Boris was quite happy to meet me it seemed.  I ended up petting him, scratching him and getting gobs of drool over my pants.  The lady looked embarrassed and told me he never did that before...  If one believes in signs - and I do! - was this a sign that I should be getting that pooch?

One can help and wonder!  One thing for sure, no matter how sweet that big beast was, no way am I even thinking of a big dog.  I want a little one, like a Yorkie or Maltese... some pooch who won't shed too much or not at all!  I have to work on the Husband as I showed him some pictures of these little pooches, and he wasn't interested...  He says he's starting to warm up to the idea of a cat. Of course!  

Is it really to write that I feel the need for?!

I feel the need to write, and yet I have nothing in mind really to write about... Weird, huh?

Thought about writing about what I find yummy about men, you know like...

but then there is also...

   

always thought I wasn't much of a hairy fan, and yet, when I see this..

... I guess I don't mind it too much... oh and let's not forget a good mouth, or more a nice bottom lip, like this... 

or this...

And of course there are the eyes...

... and the jaw, of course...

Oh! there's always a nice, round ...

... aannd I love those... (I will spare you their names)...

Ok,so, I guess I like men... go figure!

Is it cheating if it's in our head?

Dreaming of a man, other than one’s husband, is that cheating? Every time he smiles at us we have little butterflies in our stomach, or we anticipate the next time we’ll see him, or we wonder how it would be if he kissed us… We’re not doing anything wrong, right?

To bring this topic up during a dinner with friends is sure to raise some reactions if not confrontations. The points of views are really split on this one: for some it’s when we actually do something and for others, it’s from the moment someone else enters your thoughts. Who’s right? Not an easy question to answer.

I think it is absolutely normal to be attracted to other people other than our partner. It doesn’t mean our couple is going sour, just that we’re alive. For some, the idea of thinking about someone else will create a doubt: am I a cheat or what? Is the intention where cheating resides? Or how we manage said intention? I do think if we feed our attraction by creating occasions to meet this other person, then yes we are heading for cheatville.

I also see a difference between having a dream (or more) about one guy that you don’t really see in your daily life (like an artist) or a co-worker, but in both case one knows (or at least should!) that this is going on in our head, it’s not real.

I had a dream recently and I must say that I was disturbed by it for a few days, not because I had it, but by its intensity and also who it was about. I couldn’t help but wonder: “what was I thinking of when I went to bed?”. Is the fact that I dreamt of another guy threatening my marriage? I don’t really think so, because no matter what, the life I have in my brain is way busier and naughtier than the one I live daily. I also know my intentions are good, so please don’t let me be misunderstood…

It’s up to each person to see how clean his or her conscience is, isn’t it?

What a dream!

After much running around, attending a farewell get together for friends moving to FL, getting home late, doing some laundry for clothes we wish to bring with us, and finishing “Club Dead” I went to bed at some wee early hour. Since I’ve been sleeping with my CPAP (breathing apparatus for sleep apnea) I don’t dream as much as I used to. As far back as I can remember I always had weird dreams. I remember, vividly a few which were enlightening, but most of my dreams are really strange.

I was working in an office with a girlfriend of mine from high school (which I haven’t seen nor heard of since, btw). It looked like “cubeville” type of work environment. I was looking for all the account numbers that were being used. I had a list, a long list, and was walking around asking people if they used other accounts. I then went in “his” office. He was sitting there with his feet up on his desk, his shirt’s sleeves were rolled up and it looked like it was at night. He looked up at me, smiled and waved me in. I walked in and watched him, in silence, for a while. I was looking around thinking it wasn’t really as I’d expected it to be. He gestured for me to have a sit, on the couch, so I did. It was a comfortable couch at that. You know, the type you sink into, all soft but a bitch to get out of? He finished his call, and asked what he could do for me. I apologized for disturbing him and explained because I was going on vacation I should make sure all accounts being used were listed. He agreed and said he didn’t know of any accounts he would use. I told him I was pretty sure he must have a few “special” accounts, after all, he was the man in charge. He got up and walked to the couch where he let himself fall. As he sat beside me, I looked at him closely. I always thought he looked good, there was something kind about him. He had a little something that I liked. I was trying not to stare. He looked tired. He asked to see my list, which I handed over. He then proceeded to look at pictures on the coffee table and at some magazines. He looked concerned. At some point he started to laugh at something he read. While he was sitting next to me, I noticed the chair he had been sitting in. I guess I made a face or sometime because he looked at me with interest, asking what I was looking at. I told him his chair wasn’t representative of his position. He laughed and asked why not. The chair looked like a pack of wolves had their way with it, the leather was torn, the filling was ripped, it was a big mess. He said it had seen a lot of important arses and seated some as well. We laughed. It was very relaxed. I asked how come he was allowed or even wanted to have such a chair. It really clashed with the rest of the office. He said something about his wife telling him the same thing. We laughed. A woman came in, looking for me, and asked me how to send a Purolator pack. So I got up, with his help, he actually had to push my butt off the couch, walked to the lady and showed her how to fill out the waybill. I then turned to face him, who was now standing besides me, and as he was unrolling his sleeves, and said that he had to get back to it and if he had special accounts they were really special ‘cause he didn’t know about them. He hugged me and wished me a safe trip. And then I walked out of the Oval Office, and said “Thank you Mr. President”

Weird huh?

Just a little...

It’s 4:05 am and can’t seem to find sleep… My internal clock is completely out of wack. It’s getting worst. I went to bed a few hours ago, tried to read but I could feel that I was getting into my book and wouldn’t fall asleep, so after reading for two hours decided to try to meditate some. To no avail, sleep was eluding me. I then decided to get up and take down our Christmas lights. It’s official; the Holidays are over. I removed all traces of Christmas from our house. I hate this part. But it is part of the package, isn’t it?

( Poor Tobi, he’s all confused… He just came by and meowed like he does in the morning when I don’t feed him fast enough after being up…Oh well… He’s even pawing me on the forearm, poor thing… My insomnia is causing him to have false expectation.)

Hubby is sound asleep. As I sit here, I try not to type in a noisy way, but then again with the cat “chatting” as he keeps coming back… maybe I should feed him now…

The last few weeks my sleep patterns have been weird. I’ve always been a night person. I’m not a morning person. I’ve never been either. As a teen I would have slept the whole day through if only allowed. It was tolerated until noon. After that, one was cruising for a rude awakening. I’ve often been called “lazy” because I liked being in bed. Nowadays I sleep as much, or as little, as my body needs, whenever I can. That is one instance when I do listen to my body. That is also my main benefit for working from home.

Maybe I’m still awake because of that pot of green tea I had at dinner? Is green tea full of caffeine? I should Google it. Or maybe it’s due to the fact that I did some work before going to bed? My brain is racing… it’s been like that all day, since I woke up from this strange dream I was having. Ever had one of those dream where even if you don’t really remember it specifically, there was something in it that truly bugged you? That’s the kind I had last night. All day it trotted in my head, and I had this feeling that I did something wrong and was about to be found out or something… Very strange feeling, especially since the people in my dream I haven’t seen in a long time… and I’ve been wrecking my brain trying to figure things out… It doesn’t make sense… conscious sense anyway. This message is way too obscure for me in the state I am in. I just realised that I overused the “…”
Earlier when I tried to meditate, I couldn’t keep my mantra, I felt like a super ball that has been thrown against a very hard surface and was bouncing all over the place. Argh. Even now, I fell like I’m the ball, in a pinball machine, stuck on top, and bouncing off those little bumpers non-stop. Can somebody please give this machine of mine a good shove, a good pelvic thrust, but not too hard! I just want to get out of that area; I don’t want my machine to get tilted! I just want to sleep...

___

Image: Tilt

A little more sleep = another dream.

Had another strange dream last night…

Hubby and I were walking somewhere (didn’t recognize the location), it was high and there was some activity going on below. At one point we saw this elephant that was digging a foundation for a house. It had already dug a big whole. Some man came by us and mentioned how he had thought of using an elephant to dig, since they are so strong. From what he was saying I understood that he had wanted to put the elephant down, but since it was still “useful” he would wait to do it. As we are watching this elephant, it walked out of the whole it was digging and walked on this pile of crap and was just stumping all over it. I could see its feet (isn’t it strange, in dreams, how you can “zoom-in and out” on something?), and was really impressed by the strength and flexibility they showed. We kept walking and looking at it, when this “house” (it could have been a shack or something similar) is dropped on the elephant’s back. It collapsed under the weight. I’m freaking out, calling for help and for the crane operator to lift it back up. Nobody seems to be hearing me nor caring. I see this guy on the phone and asked him if he’s calling for help. He looks at me funny and says “No, Duh! I was calling my girlfriend”. I grab the phone out of his hand, call him a few choice words and start dialling when I see Hubby down there, by the elephant which is covered with piles of stuffs. I’m calling his name, he looks up, waves at me and continue to go through the pile of things when he sees the elephant’s trunk, broken (it was very small, looked like a flute from where I was standing, and quite disproportionate), picks it up and puts it in the garbage can in our kitchen! I’m so pissed at him, and start to give him crap: “How could he do nothing to help the elephant and to pick up its trunk and toss it like that, so undisturbed? What is wrong with him?” Somehow (the magic of dreams!) I’m standing next to Hubby, by the elephant when I hear this faint noise, which resembled the sounds the pooch did just before she died, and sees this baby elephant, coming out from under the pile. I then think, “it was a female elephant and she was pregnant”. The baby elephant is covered with blood and yucky stuff (like babies when they’re born), looks at me with its big brown eyes and does a head stand (like they do in circus act)! I say: “Poor thing, even as new born, elephants want to perform”. The same man as before (the owner) comes by me and says something like “I only wanted to kill the elephant, nothing else”

This is when I woke up, with a splitting headache and this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach…

A friend gave me 2 books on dreams, symbolism, etc. I'll try to read them. I find it weird that I dream of animals like that, an elephant is not the most "usual" type of animal that one encounters/sees daily, is it? Anyway not here!


That is what has been happening a lot in this house, lately. The wakening part...

Last night I took two little pills (herbal medecine), and I don't know if it was related to those pills, but last night I actually slept 5 hours straight! Woohoo! But the headache, man! All day!

Sleep brings on dream.

I’ve been sleeping like crap for the last six months. I realised that it’s been that long while talking with Hubby about my lack of sleep. I’m reaching a point where I can’t function almost.
It reminds me of this blog I used to read where its author would complain about her lack of sleep, she went away on vacation and her blog disappearred. (I miss reading you “She wears plaid”, I hope you’re well…).
When we took pooch in I would get up with her, early, for her morning pee. That is when it all started. Then the hot flashes, which are keeping me awake or waking me which ever comes first… My mind is going, non-stop. I've tried meditating, reading, listening to music, pills, nothing really works... It's getting bad.

You know all the jokes about women and their menopause, no wonder we turn bitchy, we lack sleep and eventually it does affect our moods, even the best demeanoured ones... Not a fun time.

I had the strangest dream last night, which means I was “out” for a while, yeah! Can’t remember the last time I’ve dreamt. Oh yeah, it’s true; one needs to be asleep for one to dream! I forgot that part!

My dream:

It started in our bedroom. I heard noises and I could hear the rain (yes, it’s been raining here for the last few days, no snow yet ). I see, in the dark, this big panther sitting by our bedroom door watching me (That could be our black cat, in real life). Then I feel these claws on my chest, I look up and it’s a big owl sitting on my chest. That’s what the panther is watching, ready to pounce. I try to call out Hubby's name, sleeping next to me, but I have no voice and he’s sound asleep. I grab the owl and throw it at the panther. They ran off, but somehow (that’s the thing with dreams, isn’t it? ) the owl flew back in our room and hit the ceiling fan and fell on me. As the panther is about the jump on me I grabbed the bird again, but then the panther snaps at my wrist. One of his teeth is caught into my bracelet. Again I try to scream, but Hubby isn't waking up. I’m fighting with the panther to get my arm out of its mouth; I stand up on the bed trying to turn on the light and then remembered that the ceiling was on (which I actually did turn on last night, before coming to bed, to help with the hot flashes…). So, I ducked, jerked hard and managed to get unstuck. I go back to bed, and still hear noises, and then this goat jumps on the bed, and walks away. It does that a few times. Each time I try to talk but no voice.

Since I still hear noises, I get up and go downstairs. When I get down I see our whole ground floor totally upside down, somebody has been through all our stuffs – we’ve been robbed! Then I let out this scream, very guttural and think “There are people stealing our stuff, they still might be in the house, and I’m naked.”

That is when Hubby woke me, by putting his hand on my shoulder asking if I was having a bad dream…

Weird dream, hun? The weird thing is, this is not the first time I dream something like this: people are in our house while we’re sleeping… creepy!

Do you have any idea or interpretation of that dream? Let's hear it.