Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Is it cheating if it's in our head?

Dreaming of a man, other than one’s husband, is that cheating? Every time he smiles at us we have little butterflies in our stomach, or we anticipate the next time we’ll see him, or we wonder how it would be if he kissed us… We’re not doing anything wrong, right?

To bring this topic up during a dinner with friends is sure to raise some reactions if not confrontations. The points of views are really split on this one: for some it’s when we actually do something and for others, it’s from the moment someone else enters your thoughts. Who’s right? Not an easy question to answer.

I think it is absolutely normal to be attracted to other people other than our partner. It doesn’t mean our couple is going sour, just that we’re alive. For some, the idea of thinking about someone else will create a doubt: am I a cheat or what? Is the intention where cheating resides? Or how we manage said intention? I do think if we feed our attraction by creating occasions to meet this other person, then yes we are heading for cheatville.

I also see a difference between having a dream (or more) about one guy that you don’t really see in your daily life (like an artist) or a co-worker, but in both case one knows (or at least should!) that this is going on in our head, it’s not real.

I had a dream recently and I must say that I was disturbed by it for a few days, not because I had it, but by its intensity and also who it was about. I couldn’t help but wonder: “what was I thinking of when I went to bed?”. Is the fact that I dreamt of another guy threatening my marriage? I don’t really think so, because no matter what, the life I have in my brain is way busier and naughtier than the one I live daily. I also know my intentions are good, so please don’t let me be misunderstood…

It’s up to each person to see how clean his or her conscience is, isn’t it?


Titaxy said...

i don't think it's cheating if it is in the mind, acc to me....i mean we interact with so many people on a regular basis, it's possible not to see someone and think "oh he is cute" or whatever...but that should be about it...that's what i feel

Mousse said...

Well have to discuss this on Saturday nite and see !!! I definitely have an opinion :-)
See ya'll then !!!

Marius said...

There have been many occasions where my wife got an 'energetic' evening due to me being all worked up over some sweet young thing I noticed at some point. I'd be surprised if there were any human who was completely able to control their thoughts to such an extent. To me it's what you do with that thought that counts.

princess slea said...

totally not cheating imo

my husband knows i have "a list", lucky for him it's highly unlikely that i will ever run into Hugh Jackman dressed as Wolverine though.
(also, HE has his own list, i'm not too worried that Alyssa Milano will be fighting me for him)

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I think you're reading to many vampire books! Step away from the books! LOL!!

I have no idea what's in your brain. Only you do!!!


Green-Eyed Momster said...

s/b too many vampire books. Ugh!


Meg said...

I've always been of the opinion that thinking is very near doing. Daydreaming about someone else, in my opinion, is wrong. Granted, there will be people that you find attractive, it's just not right to imagine a romp under the covers with them. However, dreaming when you're sleeping, well, there's not really anything you can do about that.

ModernMom said...

I would have to say if you are daydreaming about something you are not comforable about discussing with your partner? MMM WOuld you want him doing that? I'm the jealous type and would have to say I would tell him he is a dream cheater and to cut it out! LOL

I Say What You're Thinking and I'M The Bitch? said...

Dreaming at night is totally different than day dreaming, it's then that we choose our subjects..

Stinkypaw said...

Titaxy: I agree

Mousse: LOL

Marius: Thanks for the honesty.

princess: I'd fight him for her though! ;-) She's one hot mama!

GEM: LOL, you might be right about that! ;-)

Meg: I believe the intention counts for a lot too.

ModerMom: Welcome to my world! My husband reminds me (at times!) he's not resposible for things he does in MY dreams!

I Say...: It's all about choices, isn't it? ;-)

Barb said...

It's human to find other people attractive. When create situations in which you deliberately run into them, it isn't cheating -- yet; but it's definitely headed that way. As for daydreaming about someone and I don't mean unattainable people, I don't know, but I know I wouldn't like it if my husband did that.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Hmmm, there's no easy answer to that one. I have to think about it while I'm daydreaming about Daniel Craig.


kara said...

if you manage to stay with one person for the rest of your life and never once fantasize about another...there's something wrong with you.

Periwinkle Studio said...

Wow! That is a tough one for me to answer....

Michele said...

I don't think it is cheating, being married is a commitment that should be honored but it doesn't mean you are not still human and don't notice attractive people. It is what you actually DO not what you think.

greenduckiesgirl said...

Okay, I'm incredibly single so I don't know if my answer really counts or not but here goes:

In my opinion, the human body is an art form. For us not to admire it seems like such a waste of beauty. So I see nothing wrong with looking at someone and thinking "Chipotle guy is kind of hot." Just because I find one guy attractive doesn't mean that I find my non-existent husband any less attractive. Nor would I mind if he looked at another woman and said "Hey, she's cute."

But I am very much against cheating (to the point that I get furious when someone tells me the Pina Colada song is romantic. No, it's not. He got tired of his lady and decided to answer a personal ad without talking to her about it!). If you feel such an attraction to someone else that you have to act on it, then you need to talk to your partner about it.

Do I think you shouldn't fantasize about other people? If it's a celebrity, I don't think it's a big deal. After all, the chances of Will Smith deciding to leave Jada and declare his undying love for me is pretty slim (because I couldn't be with him if he was still married). But if you're imagining tangling in the sheets with the neighbor, that might be a problem.

Dreams do not count! Okay, I'm done rambling. I like it when you come up with these deep questions!

Charlie said...

I agree with those who say it's the intention that counts.

As far as noticing attractive people:

"I may be married, but I ain't buried."

Robert the Skeptic said...

I believe your feelings are quite natural... and if one wants to get anthropological, we can admit that society over time has developed the concept of monogamous partners as a way to safeguard our lineage. But there is strong evidence of an evolutionary basis for humans to seek multiple partners for genetic diversity. So even though we may be with committed partners, those deep-seated motivations still exist within our human makeup.

However, there are those among us who, though strongly opposed to "cheating", have still found a way to celebrate their commitment to their partners yet indulge guilt free, in those desires for multiple partners. Indeed, many believe it actually relationship-enhancing. You might Google "The Lifestyle". You may find it interesting.

Stinkypaw said...

Barb: I liked the "yet" part ;-)

Joanna: You do that... ;-)

Kara: I already knew there was something wrong with me, but I agree with you.

Periwinkle: Sorry

Michele: I agree.

Greenduckies: I also agree

Charlie: Intentions are the keys here. I've always said "It's not because I'm on a diet that I can't look at a menu!"

Robert: You're too deep for me!! And I'm not interested in "the Lifestyle" at all, at least not now. ;-)