Yeah I think it's right.

I'm realising as I'm thinking about this thing with my cat, and how much I worry about him, that he's making me feel things I thought I would spare myself from...

You see, when I made the decision not to have children (because if I were to be a mother, it wasn't to be for just one kid) one of my argument was the fact that I didn't want to love someone that much.  I know myself, and knew if I were to become a mother, I would love him/her so much, I guess like what my parents did with me, too much.  I didn't want to do that to someone.  At times, I felt trapped by my parents' love and at those times I wished I had siblings so we could share the love load.  It may not make sense, but it does to me.

I was, deep down, afraid to love.  Go figure.  I don't regret my decision.  Tobi, my kitty, became more than a family member, he became my fur baby, as I often called him.  I do know he's nothing like having a child.  I can leave him alone with water and some food for a few days, well, I could.  I wouldn't do it now, I'm monitoring his feeding since he doesn't eat much.  I'm emotionally attached to him, for the last sixteen years, and his upcoming death is making me realise just how much maybe, in the end, it's a darn good thing I decided not to become a mother.

It doesn't make anything easier, but I can't imagine how a parent feels when their child is sick or even worst when their kid is facing death.  No matter how old we get, we are always our parents' kid.  I see it with my mom.  Last week I saw Mary Osmond on Oprah, talking about her son's death, and how hard it was.  It is not the 'natural order' of things... In my case, I knew I would (if I was lucky) outlived my cat, and yet...

Last weekend we visited a friend for her birthday, she's a mother and now a grand-mother (but she doesn't look it!).  She did a great job with her kids, they are sharp, well mannered, good valued young adults.  Watching them with their kids was nice.  They are the type of parents who enjoy being with their kids and it showed.  The grand-kids (4 of them, aged between 6 years old to 3 months old) were well behaved, they looked happy and they were actually good kids.  What a nice change from some of the kids we have been exposed to in the past.  Even Hubby commented about them.  It was nice to see youngsters enjoying being parents.  Seeing their babies, I couldn't help but think how, if we did had a kid, our child would have look like.  Many people told us we would make great parents, I know we could.  We chose not to.  We may have cut ourselves from one of life's greatest pleasure or gift, but I still think it was the right decision for us.  If I don't regret it at forty-four, I think it's fair to say I'm OK with that decision.

All this to say, I wouldn't want to go through what I've been feeling because of my cat, for a child.  I would most likely go mad.  As I'm facing Tobi's upcoming death, I'm realising that I will probably be pet free for a while...

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