Be Yourself, But Be Your Best Self

Since my mother is turning 78 and because the last time we saw each other was before she left for Florida, last fall, we went to visit her on Saturday.  Since the rules are a lot looser we figured we could visit them while keeping some social distancing. We made her day, she was so happy and it was funny to see how much she wanted to hug, kiss and simply touch us. She was so excited.  I think if she'd been a little pooch, she would have peed on the spot!

It was strange to visit her, since we haven't visited anyone for a few months now... and we had not seen her nor her beau in almost nine months.  According to my mom, her beau had a rough winter.  He was sick most of the time he was there, feeling like he had no energy, didn't work around the property liked he used to the previous winters.  They got back just before the borders were closed, and since haven't been able to access his doctor as easily as normal (or pre-covid).  When I saw him I thought he aged a lot.  He's lost weight, he didn't look that healthy.  He wasn't feeling too hot neither.  He's having back issues, plus he's having some blood issues, and going for more tests, which worries him.

It was nice to see my mom, she looked the same.  She's doing well, even if she is bored out of her tree with the confinement.  She's a very social person, loves to be with people, playing cards, pool, bowling, board games, name it she plays. So being at home, doing puzzles, reading and watching TV is a real downer for her.  Plus her beau not feeling well... and me not calling much, nor visiting.

On Friday, while Hubby and I went to our jeweler to get a new battery in my watch, I decided to get my mom a little charm.  She's been wearing this heart pendant for years, it was a pendant my ex boyfriend gave me when we had first moved in together back in the late 80s.  When I left him, I gave that heart to my mother, since she was always mentioning how nice it was.  When I worked at the jeweler I had looked at a few things, with her in mind, but since we don't see each other that often, I simply looked. 

Friday we got her this ''floating'' two-tones gold heart.   I knew she already had a few chains she could put it on.  She did not wait for us to tell her to open her gift.  I had written in her card that the two halves were Hubby and I. She loved it and wanted to put it on a chain right away.   She removed the old one, and went to her bedroom to look for a nice chain.  I followed her and going through her jewels with her, reminding me of when I was a kid and would play in her jewelry box, which had a little ballerina and red velvet on the inside, and sections for rings, earrings, etc.  She doesn't have that box anymore... so we went through her travelling stuff, and lots of little envelopes.  While she was looking she was talking...  She surprised me by saying she had to get something off her chest for the past three years and mostly she had to forgive herself before anything.  I stood there listening and going through her costume jewelry.  You see three years ago, I had planned a nice outing mother/daughter for her 75th birthday.  She decided not to come (you can read more about it here).  Since then, I have been more distant.  I've distanced myself, gave her space and have not said anything to her about it.  I have been hurt, and have been avoiding being hurt again.  For the first time, in many, many years, my mother and I had a conversation where both of us listened and talked like adults.  I felt super calm. She apologized for ''not putting me first that time'', and she regretted it.  She said that a few times.  I listened.  When she said that she didn't want me to be like my father in never again offering something because she had said no once, I listened, took a deep breath and told her, she did it more than once.  Seeing the look of surprise on her face I knew I had to explain myself, so I did.  I remained calm, and told her that she deeply hurt me twice: once when she refused to come shopping with me for my wedding dress because I didn't want her then beau to wait for us in a car in January, and the second time was when she refused to come with me for a mother/daughter weekend for her 75th birthday because she felt torn up between her (new) beau and me.  We talked.  She cried, and I tried to reassure her that no matter what she was and will always be my mother and that in fact, it was because of that, that I was still talking to her.  I also explained to her that like a broken ceramic that may be glued back together and looks ok, that piece has been broken and will never be the same, no matter how much we try to make it all nice, it was broken.

She accepted my explanation, and I think that the fact that we wouldn't touch (hug, kiss) made it easier.  It was just our words, spoken softly.  I did tell her, like she did when she read her birthday card, that she had a lot more life behind her than ahead, and that I want those years, no matter how many there are, to be happy and peaceful, not filled with regrets and sadness.  I want her to be happy.  I would love for her to be happy with herself, to be enough for herself to be complete.