Thursday, May 25, 2017

Care too much, get hurt too easily

I turned fifty last November, so I'm not only an adult but I'm an old one.  Yet, at times, like right now, I feel like a fucking child in regards to my mother.  I've always known my mother to be the weak one in my parents' couple.  My dad was loud, abusive and very assertive and my mom was quiet, and very tame.  My father controlled everything, so she went along and never really making any decision for herself or even me, really.  When my father passed I thought it would be an occasion for her to assert herself, to become stronger and to decide what she wanted.  Boy, was I wrong!  After my father's death I realized that she was also a dependent woman, she needed to be with someone, she just couldn't be alone.  It sadden me, and still does.  I do understand that not everyone is able or rather want to be alone, I (sort of) get that, but at the same time it infuriates me and let's be honest, it hurts me too, when I see that she can't decide what she wants.

When we got married, back in 2000, I did ask my mother to come shop for my wedding dress with me.  She lives one hour away from town, and doesn't drive in town, so she would have to be driven by her beau. This was about nine months after my father's death.  I suggested to pick her up along the way, or for him to drop her off, but she wanted him to come with her and wait in the car.  I refused thinking it was ridiculous to have this old man sitting in a car, in January, waiting while I was trying on dresses.  She insisted and when I kept on saying it was ridiculous, she gave me an ultimatum: he would wait or she wouldn't come.  So I told her to stay home, I would go shopping with a friend.  And I did.  She wasn't happy about that, and even had an attitude with my friend for "having taken her place", but I reminded her (on a few occasions) that she gave up that role and chose to stay home.

I was hurt by how it was more important for her to have her beau with her, than to share in my big moment.  I won't even go into her attending our wedding in Hawaii. That was something else too.

A few years back, for her birthday, I decided to surprise her by taking her away just the two of us, for a night away at a spa.  I had to skip one of my class to get to her place the night before, so we could have dinner together, before making our way to the spa.  She had told me she would wait for me for dinner so we could eat together.  When I got to her place, she was playing cards with her new beau (a new one, since the other from the wedding died).  I was a bit surprise to see that there was no food on the stove or anything.  She asked if I had eaten. WTF?  Her beau had come over and they had dinner together.  She forgot that we had made plans.  She had even forgotten that we were going away for a night.  The whole time we were at the spa, she would check her phone to see if he had called.  It felt like I was with a teenager in love rather than my mother.

Move forward to just now, which prompted this post, she will be turning 75 years old in June.  Since she likes to swim, and massages etc. I decided to, again, offer her/us a get away, mother/daughter for a night, with spa, massage, facial, pedi/mani, the load.  I would pick her up, drive there and be pampered for a day with good food etc. I've asked her if she had plans for her birth day, and then told her to reserve me that day and night.  I made all arrangements.  Today she calls me to tell me that she's not feeling good.  She feels stuck between her beau and me.  I should have verified with him if he had any plans for her birthday, as well. Maybe I should, my bad, but at the same time, I did ask her if she was available before booking anything.  Anyway, she doesn't want to upset anyone and feels bad. Really?  She was away from October to March, in Florida, with her beau, and can't be away from him (or him from her) for one fucking day/night, and she feels torn?  I'm not only pissed off, but I'm hurt.  I've told her when she was asking if I was upset, that once again I got to know my place.  I know where I stand in regards to her.  I come after her beau.  Despite my best efforts to let go, it hurts. The kid in me feels rejected sort of.  I will do my best to apply this rule of mine, to treat family as I do friends, and tolerate the same.  Now I have to ask myself, if a friend did to me or treated me the way my mom does at times, would I tolerate it?  Would I still contact that friend and try to get together?  I know the answer to that, and somewhere deep in me, it hurts.  I will have to cut those sentimental strings... and whomever said that blood is thicker than water, can go fuck themselves.


DL said...

I am so sad to hear that you have been hurt so badly. It is unfortunately that not everyone understands the privilege it is to have a child, and the joy that can be had when that adult child wants to spend time with you. She is missing out on making some wonderful memories with her amazing daughter. ��

Stinky paw said...

DL: Thank you for your comment, it is much appreciated. It is her choice and she did confirm that we would not be available. So I will be cancelling the whole thing. Maybe I'll buy myself a ticket for out west with that money! ;-)