Monday, March 21, 2011

I hate this

Just thinking about it makes my stomach turn and my sight blurry. I knew it was coming. I understand that it is part of it all, but it doesn’t make it any easier to accept and deal with. I wish I were like my husband and not feel so much (or at least not show it so much). I was thinking I was preparing myself for this, but I’m realising now that I’m faced with a decision, that it was a bogus preparation. I’m ill equipped to deal with this. I’m shaking inside. My heart is pounding in my chest. I’ve been trying to reason with myself, but it hurts. I love him and the thought of not having him around breaks my heart.

He’s been my kitty cat for the last sixteen years. I don’t want him to suffer, and the fact that he behaves like normal doesn’t help at all. He’s barely eating anything and he doesn’t drink at all. He’s on cortisone. He still play fight with Hubby, they had a little bout earlier, and begs for his food like normal, but he doesn’t eat it or very little of it. He does go for his treats though.

It makes it much harder for me to think of what’s coming when he jumps up and lay down on top of me, and starts purring. He’s been my companion, the one with whom I share most days at home. He’s always been talkative, so whenever I’d call him he either came running or answered. I was never really alone; I had my cute pussycat by my side. Hubby often said I had a groupie; it is true. He isn’t just a groupie; he’s mine.

I’m confused as to what should I do next. He’s become frail, and yet he still runs up the stairs. I know cats don’t complain much, but he hasn’t changed his routine much. He still visits us in the office, walks all over us in bed and squeezes in between us, sits in the kitchen when we go to the fridge. He does all the normal things he’s always done, and that makes it all harder. I can’t imagine my life without my furry friend. I know it is coming to an end, and it hurts so bad. Should I try to prolong his life for a few months, at best, or simply accept the fact that he’s had a good life and it’s time for me to let him go, in peace without surgery? I’m trying to be reasonable and do the right thing here, but the thought of losing him is a hard one to swallow. I love my kitty and right now I’m hurting like I haven’t hurt in a long time…

9 comments:

Steph said...

Just monitor his pain levels. If he is feeling sick, it is only fair to let him go. It is hard, but a part of life, and a part of love. Best of luck... I know that we can love pets as much as children!

Marius said...

If he's not suffering, then let nature take its course. Give him all the treats he wants, all the love he deserves, and all the normalcy you can muster. If things change, and his life becomes unbearable for him then you will know it. But so long as he's happy and not hurting just enjoy the time you have left. Our 16 year old Siamese spent years as a frail-looking, crotchety old fart, then one morning we found her curled up in her favorite sleeping spot, warm, happy, and peacefully gone.

And you know that when the time is passed, we'll be here for you.

PinkPiddyPaws said...

I know nothing I can say will make the hurt go away, so I'll just send you cyber hugs ((hugs)) and wish you and kitty the best.

Wandering Coyote said...

Oh, no, I am so sorry to hear this, Stinkypaw...I can only imagine how unbearable this is. I don't know how I'd cope with anything happening to Juno. You are in my thoughts.

Attila The Mom said...

Oh Babe, I'm so sorry. It's such a shame that our beloved furballs don't live as long as we do. Big hugs.

flurrious said...

I'm sorry he's not doing well. I think this is one of those things where you have to both trust your vet and your own instincts. If you're lucky, both are in agreement. It sounds like he's still a pretty happy guy; I'll keep a good thought that he stays that way.

TechnoBabe said...

No matter what anyone else says you are the one dealing with this. What does the vet say? I know you love your cat so much and want the best for him. Sounds like he is able to do most things he usually does at least for now. I hope you have a little more time with him.

comebacknikki said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. :(
{{{Stinkypaw}}

Stinkypaw said...

Thanks everyone for your kind comments, they mean a lot.

Tobi isn't suffering (or at least not showing signs) and I can only hope to find him asleep somewhere, like Marius' cat...