Do you ever do something and then think “Why did I do that?”. I do, often. While I was visiting my mother on Mother’s Day she told me about a friend of the family who had been diagnosed with bone cancer. Even if I hadn’t seen him in years I felt sad for this strong and lively man who was now suffering and yielding away. I wrote him a letter in which I thanked him for being part of my life for so long, for being a strong character figure, a constant in my life. I felt that I wanted to let him know how he had touched me, and I wanted to do it while he was still alive. That’s one regret I won’t have.
My MIL's cancer has been progressing and finally one oncologist gave a timeline. It’s not good, about 2 months only. It must be the strangest thing to know that you have so little time left. We all know that “one day” we will die, but to know that there’s an actual timeframe, must be really, really… I can’t even say it.
My meditation teacher often says that we are here to prepare our deaths. At first I used to think that it was morbid. Now, not so much. We don’t talk about death. We don’t want to face it. That’s the only thing we should all be certain of; we will all die. One day. We just don’t know when though. But to know when, or to have an idea of “when”, what would you do about it?
If you have faith then it might be easier, I say might because faith doesn’t preclude being afraid. Maybe because I’ve been surrounded by death since a very young age, I can’t say that I’m afraid of dying. I’m scared shitless of suffering, that I don’t want. But dying…
I do think that if we live every day to the fullest, really say what we mean, not always postponed things, not hurt others intentionally, live life the way it’s meant to be lived, death won’t be so scary because we didn’t waste our time here.
Imagine being on your deathbed and using those last moments to say “Oh I should have…” or “I wish I could have…” that would be sad. A friend once told me, “It’s better to have a regret than a doubt”. It took me years to really understand what he meant. I prefer being sorry for something I did or said rather than regret not having said anything… but that’s the way I am.
I’ll leave you with this text I got from a friend via e-mail a little while back. I removed the “chain” aspect of it, but I liked the message.
WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT!What would you do if you knew that “time wasn’t really on your side”?…
A sick man turned to his doctor,as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."
Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."
"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know a little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing. I know my Master is there and that is enough. "
May today there be peace within you. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
___
Image: Beach in Kauai, taken by Hubby
3 comments:
Death is something that I've never really been afraid of. I've often worried about the method in which I will die, but not about what lies beyond death...of course this is only because of my faith.
If I knew I only had a short time left I would spend every possible minute with those I love...making sure they knew how much they mean to me.
When death is just something that will happen some day it's easier not to think about it...but when you're ill and given a timeline, I can only imagine the feelings that would bring.
I used to lay awake some nights, usually when my insomnia was at its worst (and when you are little, nights seem to drag forever, with dawn just too far away) and get really scared at the thought of death, about the fact that it is certain, and that one day, everyone i love will die, and that i will die. Used to absolutely terrify me. I think i've dealt with it since then by refusing to think about it, which is utter denial, but it stops me going mad. I cant imagine what it must be like to be given a timeframe. Your posts about living for the day do make me think a lot. I think thats why I'm so obsessed with cataloguing things, like photo albums, and collecting 'mementoes' for the littlest things, like cinema tickets, so i know i can look back and remember, and prove to myself that i am living life and not wasting it. Now, i think not living life to the full scares me more than actually dying. It worries me when i dont do anything all day, because i've wasted a day.
I feel for you in this situation with your MIL, and i hope that you and your hubby are and will be ok.
kim: The fact of knowing that the end is near must be quite something to deal with. A part of me just can't get that...
p pigeon: Interesting... maybe that's why I also collect a bunch of things... to prove to myself that I do do things. Unlike you though, I don't worry about "wasting" a day, 'cause that is also part of life and I enjoy those lazy days...
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