Surprised?

I’ve been going to meditation classes for over three years now and I do try to meditate outside of classes because I think it does help me. You know how sometimes you feel that you’ve changed, but don’t quite know how? Well, a part of me has been feeling that way. I know that I manage my stress better, not really physically but emotionally. I feel more … hmmm… calm, inside. Things that would make me freak out in the past, well don’t get to me as much. I do, still, get “excited” but not to the point of wanting to pop someone. Except for when I’m on the phone. There’s something about talking to dumb people on the phone that still gets me wind up like an old coil ready to burst through a mattress. Anyway, I digress…

Last week I read this on Trueself’s blog:

Name 3 bloggers of the same sex you’d like to have drinks with. (1) Stinkypaw because she was the first to comment on this blog and has a great moral compass.

I was surprised (and happy!) to see my name there. I’m always amazed when someone, a complete stranger, I’ve never met says something so nice about me. Yes, like Liz told me today, we get to know the people we read through their blog, but even then...

We had dinner with friends that we don’t see that often due to life’s crazy rhythm. While they were visiting our new dig, she mentioned how much I’ve changed. She seems to think that I was more grounded, not as easily shaken by daily stupidities (like all the issues with the builder). She asked if it was meditation. I don’t know. I have been working on myself, trying to think more before doing something, to evaluate better a situation and mostly to let things slide more often. There is enough crap holding us down, I don’t need to hold on to things. I choose my battle if you wish. Or like a friend told me Saturday, I’m getting older…

A friend from meditation told me last night that she felt that I had lost a certain sadness since I joined the class. It was quite perceptive of her. But before she actually said it I’ve never really thought of it.

More and more I realise that I didn’t have “it” easy. But at the same time, I would say that I had a good life. I’m learning that even if certain things weren’t the “normal” things to see, endure or live through I did it. I guess that without knowing it I carried on, because it was my life. Too many of us choose to be a victim of our own actions, or fears. We don’t take charge or responsibility. Granted it is much easier to blame others, or to rely on others for our misery. I’ve been told that I’m “cold”, “blunt” or simply a bitch. I’m the first one to call myself that, and if it means that I have control over my destiny, so be it!

Update: I received an interesting email that was perfect for my other blog, check it out - so appropriate today!