Friday, December 14, 2007

Your Friday Smile!


Holiday Eating Tips:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an 'eggnog-aholic' or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips: start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Have a great weekend everyone!
Only 11 days to go before Christmas...
If you party, please don't drink & drive.

And please, let's not forget to let me know when your birth date is (here).


Trueself said...

I'm afraid I follow those holiday eating tips way too well.

wreckless said...

I follow your advice year round.
I was wondering if you were going to surprise at the end with all the "gluttonous" leading. I'm glad it didn't end that way though, people are too consumed these days with restraint when it comes to food. Enjoy it and be active.

Marius said...


Couldn't agree more.

Ananke said...

Well, we ARE supposed to eat, drink and be merry this time of year. I plan on doing all three in great excess! :-D

Attila The Mom said...

Hahahaha! Dammit, now I'm hungry!

Daddy Papersurfer said...

Being in a time warp and having trouble with the space/time continuum I'm here to thank you very much for by e-card on my birthday ages ago ...... I've been having a bit of trouble ..... anyway, YOU were the ONLY person who sent ME a card including ALL my family - what does that say to you? Let me know if you have any answers.

[Thank you]