You Know You're a Montrealer when...
You pronounce it "Muntreal", not "Mahntreal".
You have ever said anything like "I have to stop at the guichet before we get to the dep."
Your only concern about jaywalking is getting a ticket.
You understand and frequently use terms like 'unilingual,' 'anglophone,' 'francophone,' and 'allophone.'
You agree that Montreal drivers are crazy, but you're secretly proud of their nerves of steel.
The most exciting thing about the South Shore is that you can turn right on a red.
You know that the West Island is not a separate geographical formation.
You have to bring smoked meat from Schwartz's and bagels from St. Viateur if you're visiting anyone west of Cornwall.
You refer to Tremblant as "up North."
You know how to pronounce Pie IX.
You know what a four-and-a-half is.
You've been hearing Celine Dion jokes longer than anyone else.
You can watch soft-core porn on broadcast TV, and this has been true for at least 25 years.
You cringe when Bob Cole pronounces French hockey player names.
Shopper's Drug Mart is Pharmaprix and Staples is Bureau en Gros, and PFK is finger lickin' good.
You really believe Just For Laughs is an international festival.
For two weeks a year, you are a jazz aficionado.
You need to be reminded by prominent signage that you should wait for the green light.
Everyone on the street - drivers, pedestrians, and cyclists - think they're immortal, and that you'll move first.
You're proud that Montreal is the home of Pierre Trudeau, Mordechai Richler, William Shatner, Leonard Cohen and the Great Antonio...
You know that Rocket Richard had nothing to do with astrophysics.
You've seen Brother Andre's heart.
You know the difference between the SQ, the SAQ, and the SAAQ.
You measure temperature and distance in metric, but weight and height in Imperial measure.
You show up at a party at 11 p.m. and no one else is there yet.
You know that Montreal is responsible for introducing the following to North America: bagels, souvlaki, smoked meat and Supertramp. Also, Chris de Burgh.
You don't drink pop or soda, you drink soft drinks.
You have graduated from high school and have a degree, but you've never been in grade 12.
The margarine in your fridge is the same colour as lard.
There has to be at least 30 cm of snow on the ground in less than 24 hours for you to consider it too snowy to drive.
You remember where you were during the Ice Storm.
You used to be an Expos fan, but now all you really miss is Youppi.
You don't understand anyone from Lac-St-Jean, but you can fake the accent.
You discuss potholes like most people discuss weather.
You encounter bilingual homeless people.
You find it amusing when people from outside Quebec compliment you on how good your English is.
You have yet to understand a single announcement made on the Metro PA system, no matter what the language.
You think of Old Montreal as nothing but a bunch of over-priced restaurants, old buildings and badly paved streets.
You understand that La Fete Nationale is not a celebration of "Quebec's birthday".
You don't find it weird that there's a strip club on every corner downtown.
You like your pizza all-dressed.
How about Montrealers' resistance to winter boots? No matter how much snow there is, you'll still find people walking around in running shoes
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You use a down comforter in the summer.
You know what "the main" is.
You know that the "CH" on a habs jersey stands for "Center H-ice"!
You can jay walk back and forth across Ste. Catherine street without getting hit by a single car.
You care more about which habs player isn't playing well than the current world events.
You expect there to be a Dollarama walking distance from anywhere... and if there isn't there should be.
You know you're from Montreal if you know what a poutine is.
You say Métro instead of subway.
You fear the overpasses (viaducs) like hell because they fall on you.
You know the first half of the national anthem in French and the second half in English.