I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I never thought it would happen or even that I would write it, but I do miss you. Remember how you used to tease me about me missing you but being too proud to admit it? Seems to me like you were right. Once more. If someone had told me that I would end up quoting you and thinking of you almost on a daily basis, I would have laughed in his or her face. Things do change, don’t they?
Last week I was talking with a friend, and at some point in our conversation she said “That’s one of your father’s quality, isn’t it, that you’re so direct and such a straight shooter?” I couldn’t help but laugh. I never thought of that as a quality, it was just the way my dad was. But she was right; it is one of your best qualities that you’ve passed on. Some people may disagree, but that’s their problem.
Can you believe it’s been nine years since we’ve last seen each other? I can’t. And yet, on this day you decided to walk out of our lives. You decided and executed, just like every other times you’ve decided something. You did it. I often wonder if you’re still around, or if you’re really gone. I sure hope that no matter where you ended up that you’re doing better, healthier than when you left us. I hope you’ve found that peace you were so despaired for. I hope you’ve made peace with some, if not all, your demons.
When I think of you I can help to think of the last time I saw you. You looked so frail, so weak and fragile, and oh so sad. You knew you would hurt us by leaving, like it was hurting you I’m sure. The sadness on your face is forever burnt among my memories of you. When I think of you, and recall that look of yours, I can’t help but feel this wave of emotions rising. It’s a big mixture of love, sadness, anger & compassion.
I miss you dad. Despite my best effort I see that I am my father’s daughter. You’ll be happy to know that I have a great man by my side, who accepts me despite having inherit not only some of your qualities but some of your faults as well. He’s nothing like you, but he does have one big common thing with you, he does love me.
I want to thank you again for being my father, for always being there when I grew up and despite your special way with me, I’m happy to say that despite the rough way I was brought up I always felt loved. That, I appreciate today. I now realise how much you loved me and for that I’m very grateful. You gave me everything I wanted and with that some values, some discipline, some beliefs and unconditional love. Thank you.
I sincerely hope to come across you again, somewhere, maybe in my next life, because you were a great teacher. I truly wish you well & know that I do love you and every time I find a penny I know that you’re watching me.
Je t'aime & tu me manque.
Ta fille, Stinkypaw