Wrapped in a foggy cloud

We watched “House” tonight; it was an episode about this guy wanting to die because he was in so much pain, and how it was affecting him and those around him like his wife and boy. When that kid helped his dad by bringing him some drug and told House he did that because “that wasn’t his dad anymore and he wanted him to die”, it hit a raw nerve, even after almost ten years. As I’m sitting here tonight, I can’t help but think of how I felt when I would see my dad so depressed and hurting, and how I wished I could help him. What that kid expressed was how I’ve felt on more than one occasion.

When the wife asked House to make him well enough for him to go home to do what he had to do, I remember telling my mother the exact same thing… It was hard to see my father, who had always been a hard ass, borderline mean, shrivelled to this thing filled with pain and sadness. I’m sure I have no idea how deep his depression really was, and how much he pretended for our sakes, even if he would also use that to keep us under his control. No matter what or why or even how he did it, he wasn’t well, and that nobody can’t deny.

Whenever we watch a movie or a show, and I see someone committing suicide it gets me. I don’t get overly emotional, but depending on the scene, it does jiggle the heartstrings. Over the weekend, we watched “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” (not the best Pitt movie around, but I kind of liked it anyway) and there’s a scene where one guy shoots himself. The actor, I think, showed the fear and sadness going through him before he pulled the trigger. I remember asking my dad how he had felt before he had started the engine to his pick-up truck, during a previous trial. He had told me everything he had done, from the moment he decided to leave home to him putting the key in the ignition and awaiting the fumes… The level of emotions shown by the actor, Sam Rockwell, was pretty darn closed to what I’ve had pictured my father doing.

I guess despite time, effort, and good thoughts, I can’t really get over these feelings of melancholy grabbing me from time to time, like tonight…