Monday, January 19, 2009

Wrapped in a foggy cloud

We watched “House” tonight; it was an episode about this guy wanting to die because he was in so much pain, and how it was affecting him and those around him like his wife and boy. When that kid helped his dad by bringing him some drug and told House he did that because “that wasn’t his dad anymore and he wanted him to die”, it hit a raw nerve, even after almost ten years. As I’m sitting here tonight, I can’t help but think of how I felt when I would see my dad so depressed and hurting, and how I wished I could help him. What that kid expressed was how I’ve felt on more than one occasion.

When the wife asked House to make him well enough for him to go home to do what he had to do, I remember telling my mother the exact same thing… It was hard to see my father, who had always been a hard ass, borderline mean, shrivelled to this thing filled with pain and sadness. I’m sure I have no idea how deep his depression really was, and how much he pretended for our sakes, even if he would also use that to keep us under his control. No matter what or why or even how he did it, he wasn’t well, and that nobody can’t deny.

Whenever we watch a movie or a show, and I see someone committing suicide it gets me. I don’t get overly emotional, but depending on the scene, it does jiggle the heartstrings. Over the weekend, we watched “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” (not the best Pitt movie around, but I kind of liked it anyway) and there’s a scene where one guy shoots himself. The actor, I think, showed the fear and sadness going through him before he pulled the trigger. I remember asking my dad how he had felt before he had started the engine to his pick-up truck, during a previous trial. He had told me everything he had done, from the moment he decided to leave home to him putting the key in the ignition and awaiting the fumes… The level of emotions shown by the actor, Sam Rockwell, was pretty darn closed to what I’ve had pictured my father doing.

I guess despite time, effort, and good thoughts, I can’t really get over these feelings of melancholy grabbing me from time to time, like tonight…

10 comments:

noble pig said...

Oh wow, I can only imagine how seeing that makes you feel. I'm sorry you ever had to go through something like that.

Marius said...

Hug.

Mousse said...

Perhaps sharing your story helps subside the memory and close this chapter of your life - either way, this is a difficult situation to contend with on many levels, no matter which way you look at it. I commend you for even surfacing such a sad story, I highly doubt others would handle this so eloquently....xoxo

Traceytreasure said...

What can I say, my mom's been suicidal all my life.

The older I get, the more I realize that some wounds will never heal.

I wish you peace and I send you hugs....

greenduckiesgirl said...

I attempted sucide many times but always failed. The last time I ended up calling a sucide hotline and realized that I didn't want to die, no matter how depressed I was. I'm really glad of that now because I am on Effexor.

I saw the preview for House and both my roommate and I switched the channel quickly.

I commend you for posting this, it was very well written and I am sorry for your loss.

Kara said...

quick...watch Princess Bride. it's the only cure.

PinkPiddyPaws said...

***hugs****

Stinkypaw said...

noble pig: It's ok, I guess it just hit a nerve that evening.

Marius: :-)

Mousse: Thanks Mousse.

Traceyt: Thank you.

greenduckiesgirl: Thanks, and thank you for sharing. Keep on going m'dear, life is worth what you put in it.

Kara: LOL - thanks!

PPPaws: :-)

Annake said...

Sending you huge hugs. :-) Wish there was something more I could do.

Stinkypaw said...

Annake: Virtual hugs are always welcome here! Thank you for those!