Have you ever saw a bug, which keeps buzzing and hitting the windshield inside the car at different places, as if it is hoping to find a whole somewhere to escape? I was that fly today. At least I felt like one at some point during the day. It felt like I was hitting a wall and no matter where or how I try I couldn’t avoid what was right in front of me.
As I’m typing this I’m wondering which bug is better off: the one trying to fly back out or the one hitting the windshield on the outside at 90 km/hr? Honestly I don’t know. In the end, they both get squashed.
Yesterday we had very specific tasks to take care of: get our baby foot table stored at my mother’s for the last two years out of there and get my father’s tool chest out of my FIL’s basement. My mother is moving (again) to a new place without a basement or room to store the table and my FIL is… well… he is… *sigh* …I don’t know how to say this… This is a tough one, even for me.
During all the years my MIL and I didn’t speak I tried to accommodate, to make peace, to find out why or how I could make things better. I wanted her to like me, to no avail. Actually she did in her last few months among us. That was a great gift. I wanted her to go in peace and at least she did with me. When it came to her only son that was a whole different story… I never wanted my husband to feel the loss of a parent. I knew what it felt like and no matter how we look at it, how old we get, we are our parents’ children.
When I see how my FIL acts and in the process treats his son, it infuriates me. How can a man who supposed love his (only) son be so clueless? Yesterday when I saw the poor shape the man is in, I felt sad. I also felt like I should rattle the old man’s cage. My first question to him was: “How you happy?” to which he answered: “I’m still looking for the answer”. How sad. His behaviour is cutting his son away from his life. I wanted him to know that, at least hear it. Maybe it is what he wants, and I have to respect that. It doesn’t mean I won’t say anything though. I did. As we were getting ready to leave he said we should go inside and say hello to his new woman. I bluntly said no. His son gave the “correct” answer by making up an excuse. We kissed him and left.
All evening and even during my sleep it was trotting in my head. It’s sad to see a 70+ years old man in this condition. He doesn’t look healthy, he’s lost a lot of weight, his clothes were hanging on him, and worst of all, he’s not even happy. I wish I could just cut this out of my mind and forget about it, but I don’t want to just yet. Even if I’ve been really angry with him for his lack of common sense and respect towards his son, seeing him like this did something to me. I don’t want my husband to cut his father out of his life, but at the same time I totally understand why he’d want to do so.
Why is it that family relations have to be so complicated? Does really anyone live the big, happy family? Or is that for TV only? At times I really wonder…