Sunday, June 14, 2009

Bzzz, Bzz, Bzz, Bzzzzzzzzz.....

Have you ever saw a bug, which keeps buzzing and hitting the windshield inside the car at different places, as if it is hoping to find a whole somewhere to escape? I was that fly today. At least I felt like one at some point during the day. It felt like I was hitting a wall and no matter where or how I try I couldn’t avoid what was right in front of me.

As I’m typing this I’m wondering which bug is better off: the one trying to fly back out or the one hitting the windshield on the outside at 90 km/hr? Honestly I don’t know. In the end, they both get squashed.

Yesterday we had very specific tasks to take care of: get our baby foot table stored at my mother’s for the last two years out of there and get my father’s tool chest out of my FIL’s basement. My mother is moving (again) to a new place without a basement or room to store the table and my FIL is… well… he is… *sigh* …I don’t know how to say this… This is a tough one, even for me.

During all the years my MIL and I didn’t speak I tried to accommodate, to make peace, to find out why or how I could make things better. I wanted her to like me, to no avail. Actually she did in her last few months among us. That was a great gift. I wanted her to go in peace and at least she did with me. When it came to her only son that was a whole different story… I never wanted my husband to feel the loss of a parent. I knew what it felt like and no matter how we look at it, how old we get, we are our parents’ children.

When I see how my FIL acts and in the process treats his son, it infuriates me. How can a man who supposed love his (only) son be so clueless? Yesterday when I saw the poor shape the man is in, I felt sad. I also felt like I should rattle the old man’s cage. My first question to him was: “How you happy?” to which he answered: “I’m still looking for the answer”. How sad. His behaviour is cutting his son away from his life. I wanted him to know that, at least hear it. Maybe it is what he wants, and I have to respect that. It doesn’t mean I won’t say anything though. I did. As we were getting ready to leave he said we should go inside and say hello to his new woman. I bluntly said no. His son gave the “correct” answer by making up an excuse. We kissed him and left.

All evening and even during my sleep it was trotting in my head. It’s sad to see a 70+ years old man in this condition. He doesn’t look healthy, he’s lost a lot of weight, his clothes were hanging on him, and worst of all, he’s not even happy. I wish I could just cut this out of my mind and forget about it, but I don’t want to just yet. Even if I’ve been really angry with him for his lack of common sense and respect towards his son, seeing him like this did something to me. I don’t want my husband to cut his father out of his life, but at the same time I totally understand why he’d want to do so.

Why is it that family relations have to be so complicated? Does really anyone live the big, happy family? Or is that for TV only? At times I really wonder…

9 comments:

Green-Eyed Momster said...

You know my story and my answer. It breaks my heart that our kids don't have close relationships with their living grandparents. It makes me happy that we are surrounded by our supportive and loving neighbors, though.
I'm sorry about your FIL. When I saw mine at my MIL's funeral I cried. Right in front of him, I couldn't help it. He was missing a leg, had lost tons of weight and all he did was make fun of his grandkids and family. It shocked me more how even in his last days he never humbled. He never told his children and grandchildren that they were the best things he ever gave this world....nothing. Not even kind words. I was the only one who cried when he died. I used to speak my mind around him because my MIL didn't. I think he somewhat respected or hated me for that, whatever, I don't care.

I'm sorry Stinkypaw, I wish we both had family love and support, but we don't seem to....

What we DO have is our wonderful friends and bloggy friends. Treat well, those who treat you well. They don't have to be related to you, dear!

Big hugs!!

flurrious said...

It's hard to comment not really knowing what's happening between your husband and his dad, but if your husband is at all inclined to make allowances and make peace with his dad, then I hope he does. I think with a difficult parent, you often have to let a lot of things go (assuming they're not unforgivable things) as they age, if not for the parent then for oneself.

lizgwiz said...

My family is almost disgustingly functional. Of course, since I never got married, I didn't have to add in-laws to the picture...that might have changed things, for sure. ;)

Stinkypaw said...

Momster: I just posted on my other blog "Feel Good Crap" a list of things we should live by and there's one that is SOOOO true: "Friends are the family that we choose ourselves." ah!

flurrious: I don't think Hubby is so inclined... time will tell.

lizgwiz: Yay for functional family and who knows what your future holds (read marriage, etc.)?! ;-)

kara said...

that's heartbreaking. one never knows the correct way to act when people are difficult. and the results are rarely encouraging. that's what the hallmark channel is for. pretending.

Stinkypaw said...

kara: We don't get the Hallmark channel... :-)

greenduckiesgirl said...

I didn't talk to my father for the last three years before he died. Sometimes I regret this. Sometimes I don't. It depends on the day. He was an alcoholic and abusive and really is responsible for a lot of my screw-ups but he could also be funny and gave me my love of reading and my sense of humor (which my mother hates, by the way).

I don't have any answers. I have, however, cobbled a family together for myself. I have my mom (who I get along with so much better now that she lives in Arizona) and my sister. My brother-in-law and my nephew. My two best friends and their parents. Life is pretty good this way.

Just a grail said...

Ahhhhh I wonder the same thing all the time, and when I hear about normal functional families I always wonder if they are lying.

I agree that is what friends are for, and they are the family you choose, so that is comforting but it is hard to get your head around the fact that your parent can just disregard you.

Stinkypaw said...

greenduckies: Life is good when we're blessed with people wjo love us, no matter if they're blood related or not.

grail: I often say, giving birth to someone doesn't make you a mother... and this proves it a little...