Tuesday, March 02, 2010

They say big girls don't cry...

As she’s standing in the shower she thinks how, that morning, the phone waked her up, once again. She never was a morning person. She’s drying herself and fighting back tears. Why does she feel this way? Things are going good for her. She’s healthy, has a comfortable life, a loving family and yet she feels out of it. She’s been feeling this way for a while now. At first she thought it was due to the seasonal changes, they do affect her moral, but there must be more to it than that.

She does a count down of her mental state and it pops at her; things are not going the way they should. She’s not. Is it genetic or is it a learnt behaviour, she wonders. She can’t think about it.
She realises that she has been thinking a lot, but in the same breath, hasn’t been able to think clearly. Maybe she should start drinking. So many people do it, it might numb her just enough to quiet the voice she hears, reminding her she’s not strong. Some people claim they are tough and will do it all. She doesn’t. She never claimed anything of the sort. She just did and still tries to do what she should. She only wants to feel better.

She’s learnt to say what she needed to say, but doesn’t really feel better. She fears to cry; what would people think? She’s a reliable person. The weight of it all weighs on her. She wishes she could shed a few layers and take big freeing breaths. She needs shelter from herself, some peace and serenity. She’s forgetful and makes mistakes like she rarely did before. Is this part of her aging process and she should adapt or is this something else altogether? She sees what she’s becoming and doesn’t like it. She’s trying to get a grip. She’s been down that road before; she recognizes a few landmarks therefore should know better than head this way… Is it pride or fear to show how weak she is the reason why she doesn’t listen to her own body? She does feel guilt. Guilt often has left her with a bad taste in her mouth. She’s not the same woman she once was.

She came to accept that reality and even to appreciate this emerging person, but at times, she doesn’t recognize the person she sees looking back at her in the bathroom’s mirror. She’s had to face many obstacles in her life, for some reason this one seems to be a recurring one. She has a decision to make: face it and deal with it, or keep living behind her mask the way she has until now. For some reason, the mask seems to grow heavier and thicker…


Marius said...

There is strength in release. Even the most high-pressure system has a valve somewhere to let it out should it grow too much. Whether it is the computer keyboard or the arms of the greatest husband in the world(tm) none will judge the tears as weakness.

MaximusBlogs. said...

I had a friend who often referred anorexia as a voice in her head. It resembles it quite alot. A very good post, I enjoyed reading it (:

flurrious said...

Chin up, dear Stinky. The bad times always pass. In the meantime, there's nothing wrong with a few tears.

lizgwiz said...

What flurrious said. And, if it doesn't pass, well...there are doctors for that, thank goodness.


Green-Eyed Momster said...

Sending you big hugs. I just read a blog post where my friend is losing his mom and his time with her is coming to an end. Broke my heart.

Life is short, try to find all the joy you can.

Sometimes, you just need a good cry or 10, or 20!

Love ya,

Stinkypaw said...

Marius: Thank you kind sire.

MaximusBlogs: Thank you, and come back anytime.

flurrious: Thanks, at times I feel like I might have a chin made out of glass...

lizgwiz: :-) thanks and welcome back!

GEM: It did help. :-)

Michele said...

First, huge hugs.
Second tears help let the sad out.

Hope you are feeling a bit better!

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