It's everywhere... among us...Depression

Depression... It's interesting to see how many people are battling depression out there. Just reading other peoples blog I'm actually overwhelmed to see how many of us are out there, and what worries me is the fact that many people don't do a damn thing about it. I'm not talking about being down one day, you get up and feel like crap, no, I'm talking about this feeling of general boredom or this feeling that you are filled with this sadness that just won't go away, and you don't really know what you're sad about, or even that uncontrolable anger that you feel that could burst out at any time... that IS depression!

Why is it so taboo is our society? I don't get it. When my dad was at his worst, before his death, people tried to cheer him up and so often I've heard (can only imagine how often he must have also!) people saying: "But why, he's got everything. He's young, retired, healthy, a loving wife, a good daughter, money in the bank, no debts, he can travel, so why isn't he happy?" If only we had that answer he'd probably be around today, but we didn't... To think that his first suicide attempt was made when he was 14 years old, shows that there was something seriously wrong... and "in those days" people didn't talk about depression and things like that (not that we do much more today, anyway, it's still very hush-hush), so all his life he fought his demons not really aware that there was help out there and mostly that there was nothing to be ashmed of... Not an easy fight, trust me.

He was a "Strong" man, didn't need anybody's help, especially not therapy! He would manage on his own - like he always did. My father had other issues to deal with as well, but the fact that he never really seeked help didn't help him. He went for his first therapy in January 1999 and in April of the same year, he took his life. He had been on Lithium and other medications, but was never properly followed up - when asked how he was doing, all was great - how can you help someone who resists ?

Like that quote: You can bring a horse to the water, but you can't force it to drink.

When I consulted for it I was told my my doctor that depression could be "somewhat" hereditary (doctors don't really want to say that outloud yet, it's not completely proven yet) and when I sarted to think about it, just on my father's side, a few brothers battled depression (and lost!) the same way my father did... so for me to wonder "if" was only fair...

I tried to "resist" as well, went to see a psychologist, it helped with some issues, but I always felt there was something else left. Couldn't quite put my finger on it, but... After my dad's death my doctor suggested that I'd be put on Paxil, to try it for a while. I was so against the idea, even the psy wasn't too warm to the idea, but I did it. It took some adjustments, but slowly I started to see some changes (my husband noticed them more than I did!) , so a while became longer, than a little longer and then I thought that I could get off, after all I was doing better - WRONG! I tried getting off and I did, but then I realised that my demeanors was so bad that I wanted back - I was a nicer person on - even if my psy wasn't at all happy about that. That is when my doctor told me that I might have a chemical imbalance in the brain (like low seratonin level (more a symptom than cause) that can contribute to the way I feel. Did he mean that I would have to take pills "for ever"?! He said that some people do have to and that's when he gave me the best example to change my way of thinking:

If you were diagnosed with diabetes you wouldn't fight me on getting your insuline shots, would you? You'd be aware that your body didn't produce enough insuline, so you wouldn't get embarassed by it, and you'd take the required medication to fix it, right? Now, in your case your brain might not be producing enough of certain hormones that you need (like seratonin), so taking the Paxil (or others) will boost your levels and you'll feel better. Is it your fault? Not more than the person who's dealing with being a diabetic. It's a condition that needs to be followed and "medicated".

It took me a LOOOONG while to digest, but I did. I wanted to feel better... You have NO idea how often friends told me that I'd been on for too long, that I could manage on my own, or how surprised people looked when I mentionned that I was taking anti-depressant. I had made a VERY concsious decision to NOT be ashamed or embarassed by the fact that I was taking meds. If people judged me, let them, I don't need their approval (I rarely do anyway! But when it comes to my mental well-being I really don't give a rat's ass what people think!).

For the last five weeks I've been off all meds! I'm happy about it, even if I do see a serious change in my behavior. I have no tolerance what's so ever! But yet, I manage to do my work and I haven't kill anybody yet - I gave crap to a few people, but no blows! - and I don't feel depressed. There's days where I feel like crap, but it doesn't last too long. I keep busy that helps! One thing I've noticed is that I cry a lot more, but not because I'm sad (like when I use to hide in our closet or in the shower and balled my eyes out), but because my emotions are "a fleur de peau" (ready to explode at any time!) , we watch TV and almost every night I cry! Happy or sad, I cry. As soon as it touches the emotional cord I leak! Oh well! My dear husband simply offers if I need a tissue, and that's that.

I've stopped the meds because the pharmacist changed my prescription from Brand name to generic - DO NOT let ANYBODY do that to you!Even if they say it's the same it is NOT!
The side effects were bad in my case - it gave me shakes, internal shakes, that you couldn't see, but man did I feel them! The weaning wasn't easy, but now (besides the occasional shakes) I'm doing much better, besides my extremely, almost non-existant fuse, I'm ok.

Unlike a boat load of people, I DO take care of myself, I DO ask for help, and I DO feel good about it. There's no shame, no embarassment, nothing but this will to do right by me! If only I could be a little more patient... that would be great... working on it...