Parenthood - our choice

I know that (if read) this post might disturbed some people, because I'm touching a very touchy subject. I have to express how I feel. I'm sorry in advance if my thoughts are not in order, please bear with me.
Over a week ago, a cousin of my husband questioned our decision to not want children. Since then I’ve been thinking about this in every possible angle, debated it and for why? Whose decision is it anyway? Her argument was that it was every woman’s wish/want and not wanting one was selfish on our part.

As far back as I can remember I don’t recall ever wanting a child. I remember some of my friends talking about wanting kids, the big wedding and all. I never really thought about that. I wanted to be with someone, yes. I didn’t really have to be married and never really thought about having children.

In my twenties I loved someone, ended up living with him for a few years. One of his brothers had a boy who was about 2 years old. I simply feel in love with this boy. He was so cute and loving. One night, boyfriend and I were talking about where our relationship was going, since it was rocky (to say the least) and the topic of children came on. That is when I realised that maybe, deep down, I didn’t want any! Anyway, not with him! At that feeling was mutual (even better!). That took care of that!

Then I was single for a few years and did my darndest NOT to get pregnant. I never felt like something was missing either – beside a good warm body in my bed! – I had a life and was enjoying it.

Then I met current husband. He said kids weren’t in his future. We have been together for over 13 years (married for 6, this year), we are both only children and neither one of us want kids! Go figure! If you're wondering why we are married, it was for a more "practical" aspect of our lives. In 1999, when we both got laid off from Nortel we had seriously considered moving to the States. A co-worker of hubby who had been living with his girlfriend for many years and had kids with, had to do a "rush" wedding at city-hall to facilitate her entry (and the kids') into the States. I didn't want that. If I was to marry I wanted the wedding. So we did!

Often when people ask me if I missed having siblings, I always answer “How can you miss something you never had?”. Plus, I have a big family. On my father’s side alone, 35 first cousins, so no time to miss a brother or sister! I’ve always thought that I would have liked to have an older brother, so that I could have dated his friends, but besides that...

Being a only child makes me selfish, spoiled rotten and very self-centred. Or at least that is what I’ve been told often and what a lot of people think. I don’t think it is all true. Yes I was spoiled, no debate there, but my parents were also VERY strict. As for the rest, well, the jury is still out…
I can't (and won't) speak for hubby, but here are some of MY reasons, why I chose not to have a child (BTW, IF I ever had a child I would have had more than one):

1. It is a commitment for life, and I’m not certain I want to take on that responsibility. It will change my life forever. How can you add a third person to your life and think that things will remain the same? Yes I can adapt, but what if I don’t want to!


2. A child is time consuming. It deserves full time attention. I’m not ready nor willing to do that. Yes that is selfish of me, but I’m being honest about it.


3. Don’t want to love someone that much. Yes that frightens me. I just see myself with hubby or even our cat, and I can't imagine how it would be for a child.


4. If something doesn’t work out with the father of the child and we separate, I will still have “ex” in my life because of the child. I don’t want that. If a relationship is over then, let’s move on. With a child it never really occurs.


5. Younger I always thought that I didn't want to inflict to a child what I went through (reproduce what you know), but now that I'm older I know that I wouldn't necesarily do it and even if I "know" better, deep down in some dark area, I know that this fear might still be there.


6. Life in today’s society… Yes one has to be hopeful, but one is also realistic.
   

A child should be the greatest blessing in someone’s life. Creating a life shouldn’t be taken lightly. Too many people have kids and they should not. It is not for everyone. A child will bring a lot to one’s life, but at the same time will take away some. If one is honest they will admit that. It’s not all rosé. Yes the good outdoes the bad, for most.

Knowing myself the way I do, and looking at how I behave with my cat I know that I would be a great mom. BUT it is not because I have the abilities that I want the job!
AND it is not because I don’t want a child that makes me someone who hates kids! Not wanting children doesn’t mean I hate them. I don’t want them, that’s all.

I never “goo, goo, ga, ga” over babies, I much prefer toddlers, when you can interact with them and their personality is emerging, so mommies out there, stop getting offended when I don’t ask to hold your baby or spend time over the stroller making faces and speaking in the highest pitch voice I can manage. I just don’t do that.

And why is it that because we chose not to have children that it's ok for poeple to tell us how selfish and wrong we are about this? Did we ask for your opinions? Until we do, please try to respect our choice!

Here are some of the things that people say that really piss me off:

“It’s every women’s dream/want/need” -- Not this woman!

“It’s very selfish of you not to want a child, when you have a good stable life, a good man and money.” -- Yes I have all that and yet I don’t want a kid – go figure!

“It’s not the same when it’s your child” -- Really? I would have never guessed that?

“It won’t change your life that much” -- Then why the heck did you have one if it doesn’t change anything?

“You don’t know what it is, you don’t have a child” -- What? Giving birth gave you all answers? And because my vagina didn’t get stretched to its maximum capacity I can not think or feel?

“Until you give life to your own…” -- I know, I don’t have a kid thus I know nothing! BTW, does that mean that all adoptive mothers "don’t know" either? Think about this before saying something that stupid, next time!

A few years back a friend who had been married for a little over a year announced they were pregnant. And NATURALLY then proceed to ask when WE going to get pregnant.

I then asked him “Why did you decide to have a child?” He couldn’t give me an answer to the “real” reason why, beside him saying: “well it’s the next step…” To what? The Marriage, Mortgage, Kid equation? Really? That’s a darn good reason to bring someone into this life isn’t it?
Or the “Well, the wife wants kids” – Again great reason! Wouldn’t want to disappoints the wife or the grandparents for that matter, now would we? That night I know that I stir some questions in his little man brain.

Too many people go with the flow; they follow a recipe but never question anything along the way. I’m not that way. I don’t do things “because”. That’s not good enough for me. According to my parents my “why” period was bad, never satisfied with a “because” answer. I guess I never really outgrew that period.

Did you ever think that wanting children IS selfish? We have kids for OURSELVES. Why do people decide to have kids? Nobody has EVER asked his or her kid if he/she wanted to come into this world? Ever think of that? How many people simply want children not to be alone in their old days. You will end up alone, and guess what you will die alone as well, no matter how many people are at your bedside. ...but we choose to ignore that.

Not wanting children should be a respected choice just as much as wanting some. Oh wait! Often people don’t want, it just happens. yeah ok. All this to say that some people should learn to keep their opinions to themselves, unless asked for, and most of all they should learn to respect opinions that differ from theirs. I don’t want a child, and yes there are times when I wonder if I’ve made the right decision and then I go to the mall and I KNOW I did...