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Ever feel like everything is happening at once? Or that no matter what, or how positive you think, things are being thrown your way to a point where you just want to stand up and scream “Enough already!”?
You see, with the situation with my in-laws – I write in-laws, because we not only have to take care of the mother who is actually sick and needs attention, but we also have to look after the father – I’m starting to feel that maybe things in our lives (Hubby’s and mine) should be put on the back burner… A friend was telling me Saturday that we should no put our life on hold because of the fact that we are taking care of my in-laws. Yeah, ok…
Yesterday I spent the whole afternoon cooking for them – I prepared them little portions, individually frozen, for them to be able to eat proper meals. FIL won’t cook, and if MIL doesn’t eat, he most likely won’t either. I even prepared them some fresh fruits, so that they have that as well. All FIL has to do is open the container and eat. It can’t get simpler than that. Hubby brought them everything and when he came back he was drained. He hates the fact that he’s becoming a parent for his parents. Today we both looked in “options” : his mother cannot be taken care of, properly, at home by his father, we now know that. Something has to give on that front. Hubby is currently at the hospital with both his parents. His mom is dehydrated and his dad is ready for the Looney bin!
To top it all – I received a phone call about something that we have been working on for a few weeks. It’s not really a bad news, but it isn’t a good one either. I was actually surprised to hear Hubby’s reaction when I called him about it. I’ve been making phone calls, trying to get some re-assurance somewhere… no such luck. Things are not looking that good on that front…
A part of me feels like I used to before a math test – I hated it even if I knew what I had to study for. There are too many balls being juggled at the same time, and I don’t know where to look to make sure that things don’t fall and I’m starting to get dizzy.
I wonder if things would be better, if, for the next few months, Hubby and I, basically put our lives on hold and concentrate only on his parents? Do you think that would help? Would we feel less “pulling in every direction”? When is it that our “duties” as a child reach their limits, or even, are there limits? I don’t want to do like my friend’s brother and burnout because he took care of his dying mother while his father was not coping with the situation, nor do I want my husband to go down that lane… Where do we, as the couple that we are, fit in all of this?
I just got a call from Hubby they are admitting his mother – which is NOT a bad thing – it will give FIL a chance to recuperate a bit, and Hubby will only have to “parentsit” one parent.
What’s the expression again; when it rains, it pours? Argh!!!
*I'm going nuts!
12 comments:
There are other options. There are community resources that are availible to you as a family. Maybe you could have a care giver come in a few hours a day, or even just a few hours a week. It's free, if you go thru the right channels. A PSW could help with meal prep, bathing, housekeeping, just about evrything (except for meds). This might take some pressure off of you and Hubby, and allow the in laws to still live independantly.
Take some time for yourselves, no matter what you decide. I know how taxing it can be when a family member is sick and needs added care. It can be easy to forget about YOUR needs. I don't think it's selfish of you to take a step back and breathe....
biddie: The thing is, MIL doesn't want anybody to come in to help. At the hospital yesterday she was saying that her husband was trying to get rid of her by having her admitted... Thanks for "listening" and for the advice, I appreciate it.
I feel for you! I don't have any advice for you like biddie, but I would definitely check it out.
Grab your umbrella and weather the storm. You can do it!!!!!1
Awwww...hang in there! Do try to take some time for yourselves whenever you can. But you should also take some comfort in knowing that you're doing a good thing, no matter how hard it is, and I'm sure you'll be glad later that you did.
My MIL's mom was the same way. She resented having anyone come in to help, and told MIL that SHE was being selfish and trying to ruin her life. When MIL's mom was told by a doctor that it was either that or a home, she relented.
It's so hard, isn't it? I can only imagine how I would feel if I had to have help with daily activities. ( I am actually a PSW, so I am trained to help, GETTING help would be rough!)Sometimes we don't have a choice, tho.
I hop ethat you can work something out with MIL. Does she belong to a church? Maybe someone from the church would volunteer to help, and MIL would feel better about that.
I dunno. Wish I could help.
your situation sucks, you are a better daughter in law than i am.
it's a double edge sword with whether you put your life on the back burner or not.
Put your life on hold and have resentment build up (hopefully not entirely at your husband) OR don't help out the in laws as much and have guilt about that.
good luck with whatever you choose.
My grandma is the same way. My poor dad is over there ALL THE TIME. She won't go in a home, she doesn't want anyone to help her out (like a nurse, or home health aide). At least she is appreciative of my dad's efforts, but I can see it is running him ragged. I don't know if there is any easy solution but I would like to suggest that you don't TOTALLY put your life on hold. Like princess said, you will probably build up some resentment (unintentionally, but resentment nonetheless). Good luck!!! I'm here if you wanna talk!
Wow, that's a tough one. I guess you do all that you can until you just can't manage it anymore. You said she doesn't want anyone in her house, but there comes a point when it has to happen. I know you'll find the right balance at the right time, but it still sucks and I totally feel for you.
I'm not looking forward to the day my MIL needs care. She's very difficult, stubborn and independent and has no financial resources of her own. That will be interesting.
Sounds like quite a tough situation. I haven't been there yet and frankly, I'm kind of dreading the day that I will be. I imagine when my parents are old that either one or both of them will end up living with my husband and me.
It would be tough getting old and to the point where you can't take care of yourself...needing to rely on others to do things that you've done for yourself forever. I think that will be tougher for me than having to look after my parents someday.
You and your hubby have each other and I imagine that you'll have to lean on each other even more while weathering this storm. Best of luck.
wreckless: Thanks for the vote of confidance, it just feels quite windy at times! ;-)
lizgwiz: I sure hope so, but I'm not that good at juggling too many things at once.
biddie: Wish you could help as well! ;-) Thanks for the idea. MIL has been in the hospital for the last few days, so that "kind of" relieve some tension...
princess: Thanks. We went ahead with our plans and are trying to take things as they come... we'll see how that works...
pg: Thanks I might take you up on that offer! ;-)
Already resentment isn't that far and then I feel guilty for thinking that way - we'll pass this friggin' test - I know we will!
paisley: At least my in-laws are financially independant - it's everything else... plus they are a bit "close" to their pennies...Being an only kid (we both are) I knew that day would come, but I didn't think it would be that fast!
kim: We do have each other and do rely a lot on the other. I know we will get through this, it's just that I feel a little overwhelmed... at times...
sounds like you are having a really hard time, and although i cant really offer you any advice from experience, try not to feel guilty when you are doing the best you can. If your MIL has refused anyone coming to help, theres only so much you can do. Make sure you do take a breather from it now and again, and dont put your own lives totally on hold, or you may go a bit crazy! Im thinking of you chuck, hang on in there.
elf: It's a bit "busy" and I'm a little flustered but overall we are managing... It's all or nothing and unlike some, I "do" get stressed and things do get to me... Thanks for the thought, it's appreciated!
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