It never fails.

Just when I think things are good, something pops up. On Friday, my mother called. She rarely does. She called because a life long friend of the family had called her to let her know he had cancer. Again. He's been battling it for years, and I thought he was in remission, but he called my mom to let her know that his brain and lungs were now attacked. The end is near for him. When I had first found out a few years back he had cancer, I had written him a letter (I think I had posted about that back then). After I spoke with my mom, I felt sad.  He's a good man.  He wants to live and it saddens me to think of him going.  But such is life.  It sucks, but what that is why we're here, to live some and die.  Sad, ridiculous but true.  We don't have much choice about it. That's life.

Tonight, I found out the brother of a friend passed away.  He was only 42, father of two young ones.  It is sad.  I know he had a hard battle.  Not easy for anyone.

At times, I can't help but wonder if it is worth the effort we put in.  We're doing all of this, for what?  Nobody gets out alive, nobody's found a loophole, no matter your fortune, your relationship status, no matter how well or poorly you treat people, you will die too.  Nobody escapes it.  When I think of it, I then wonder why am I trying to be a better person, to be honest, to respect others, to be nice?  Does it really matter?  The way we live doesn't reflect on how we will die.  You can be an asshole all your life and go quietly in your sleep, while the nice person will suffer through cancer and all of that. 

Even if I do believe in karma, at times, it all doesn't make sense to me.  I guess I don't have that type of faith, the kind that will explain or rationalize it all, 'cause even if I try not to judge, because when I think someone isn't deserving of suffering I'm judging that person (in a good way, but still it is my judgement), and I shouldn't.  I should mind my own business, do my best and trust in the universe, or the energy or whatever.  At times, it is fucking hard to do.

I know life isn't easy, I get that.  We all have a path, that we choose or not to follow.  When I think of people (relative and friend) who stopped talking to me because I did or didn't do something, that they disliked but never had the gull to talked to me about it, it makes me... angry more than sad.  We have little time here, why are we wasting it this way, are we that arrogant?  Do we think that death will pass us by, that we have all the time in the world?  Can we really be that stupid?  Argh.

I swear, when I feel this way I so get why my father took the way out he did.  I'm assuming that was a way for him to claim some control over what he felt he could no longer control...  I still think it showed courage, and desperation, but courage to pull that trigger.  Courage I don't have.  At least not for that.  I have courage, but what I'm lacking at the moment, is hope, or is that faith?