Yesterday I’ve learnt a lesson. Maybe it’s more like I’ve come to realise something? Either way, I grew up… or older.
I have often wondered why my mother could not decide anything. When my father was still around I thought it was because he was the decision maker, but soon after his death I saw that maybe she just couldn’t make up her own mind.
The kids for their parents’ 40th wedding anniversary are celebrating her best friend of over sixty years in July. I wasn’t really planning to attend, but was sure my mother would. Given her beau’s health (he’s on dialysis 3 times/week) and how far it is (six hours heading North from her place) she decided not to go. When she told me this I felt sorry for her, assuming she was disappointed not to be there for her old friend… so I offered her to drive up with me, just the two of us, for a weekend. When I asked her she only replied: “Hmmm, let me think about it”. In mother’s speak I knew that meant, “I don’t think so”, but then again, she could surprise me.
The RSVP was June 1st, being already over two weeks late, I called my mother to get her answer. She mumbled something about looking for an answer, because she didn’t know what to do, etc. At some point I lost patience with her, and said “Mom, I’m not asking you to sign your life away. Do you want to go to your friends’ party or not?” She then answered: “I’m deciding right now! I’m not going!” We said goodbye and that was that.
This isn’t the first time she does this. For some reason, I always think it would please her to do something with me. I guess it’s not really the case even if she often says she misses me. I’m disappointed. When my father passed away I thought it would be an occasion for us to get closer, it has not been the case really.
Yesterday I realised it was my time to “let go” of this image or expectation I had of my mother. Like a parent in regards to its kids, it’s time for me to accept and deal with the fact that my mother isn’t the person I thought she was or wanted her to be. My expectations aren’t meeting reality. It’s ok, it’s all part of growing older, isn’t it?