Saturday, November 17, 2007

Anyu (final)

A few years ago, Hubby had to have a hip replacement. On the eve of his surgery he talked with his mother and told her that the day of his surgery (which was the following morning!) he didn’t want ANY visitor but me. That was all. They could come and visit him the following day, but not on the day of his operation. He knew he was going to be out of it, and didn’t want to be social. His mother agreed and asked him to make sure that I would call them as soon as I knew anything.

The morning of the surgery I drove Hubby to the hospital, waited with him until he was rolled off to the O.R. A nurse told me it would be a few long hours and that I should go home. I did. At the approximated time he was supposed to come out of surgery I called the hospital and was told that he was waking up. Everything went well and he would be taken to his room within the hour. I noted his room number, and proceeded to call my in-laws. At that exact moment I felt more nervous than when I saw my husband being taken away for surgery, that’s how bad it was! She answered. I told her the little information I had and as I was wrapping things up, she said: “We’ll drop by later on to see him”. I asked her what she meant exactly, since her son had requested no visitor the first night. She then told me that she knew what he asked, but she was not a visitor, she was his mother. I was so pissed off that she couldn’t respect her son wishes, and told her so. “He will want to see me” was her answer. I was about to tell her off, so I just said: “He asked you, yesterday, not to come on the first night. He asked me to let you know how things went. I did that. Thank you.” and I hung up. I made my way to the hospital, in a snowstorm, fuming! I called a friend to vent and man did she get an earful!

When Hubby was brought to his room later on, he was wide-awake and was managing his pain. At one point he asked if I had called his parents. Told him about my conversation with his mother. He then asked me to call his parents; he wanted to talk to his mother. I dialled the number and watched. It was the first time I heard him give crap to his mother. I didn’t understand everything, because most of it was in Hungarian, but there was no mistake about the tone! His parents came to visit the following night, and she gave me the cold shoulder. That was fine – it was not like I was happy to see her anyway!

There are so many other anecdotes I could write about, she had a way with me that just didn’t work. Last year, she got sick and this is when her attitude towards me started to change. I wrote a few posts about it all. Here’s one.

Last year, at Christmas, we all knew it was going to be her last Christmas together. Her cancer was spreading and one evening while we were visit her we made peace and I wrote this. Some people were actually surprised that I forgave her and moved on. It was pointless to hold on, so I let it go. It's all a question of choices, we choose how we live (and to some extent) and die. I felt sorry for her, for all that time she wasted being angry. She had to face the fact that she was dying, and that wasn't easy.

Despite everything said and done, I'm happy that when she died we were friends, she realised that I was there for her and that in that in spite of our "history" I did love her. I know she died knowing that.

Hubby wrote a beautiful eulogy for her where he was honest. He didn't sugar-coat it in any way. You can read it here.

She touched my life in a very special way, and she also gave me the greatest gift ever; her son. Notwithstanding her crazy behavior towards me, she raised the most wonderful man, and for that I will for ever be grateful to her. Köszönöm szépen, Anyu!


Marius said...

This is sort of the reverse of your Karate experience. This tale starts off badly, and ends with a smile. There is a peace to be found in forgiveness, and it's great that you both found it.

Anonymous said...

no doubt about it- you are a much better person than I am.
You have given me something to aspire to

Stinkypaw said...

marius: It's true, I had not thought of that before (the reverse of karate). Peace is all I ever wanted.

monkey: I don't know about that, but if I've given you something to think about about your views, that is all good. Life is too short to hold on to grudges, we have to let it go and live life!

Paula's Poetry said...

I give you a lot of credit. I too forgave my mother in law after being shunned for ten years.
During that time, I continually had to remind my husband to call his mom. I made sure she received birthday, christmas and mother's day cards as well. I spent many years watching my husband and daughter receive birthday and christmas cards from her without as much as a good wish for myself.

You see, for my husband and child's sake, I too forgave and moved on. Today, we have a great relationship and I am glad for that.

Kim said...

it's good that there was a happy're pretty incredible to get past everything she did to you over the years...not everyone tries so hard to fogive.

Stinkypaw said...

paula's poetry: Welcome to my blog! It's funny 'cause I was doing the same with my husband, reminding him, etc. He chose to ignore me/her but that's another story. At least you are able to have a relationship with her, I wish we had mmore time, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. Thanks for commenting and hope you'll be back.

Stinkypaw said...

kim: Even with your belly, you managed to sneak in!

I wanted (and still do) to live in peace and for her to leave in peace as well. It wasn't easy, but I'm happy I did.